To want more out of life?

[SleighBellsRiiing]

I’m 29. I have 2 DC (3 and 1). I am a SAHM and I left my hometown 8 years ago after marrying DH, a soldier, to support his career. In that time, we have lived in numerous houses but this is expected to settle down in time for DC1 starting school.

I had good career prospects but due to our current lifestyle, it’s something I have had to give up and it’s something that won’t work for us in the future either. I’m living in a married quarter which is the nicest one we have had (thankfully). Money is always tight though. I want to be able to take our kids to Disneyland, to be able to eat out, holiday abroad etc. I don’t want to live with these money worries. I want to see what else the world has to offer by travelling a little and I want to give the children great life experiences. Instead I feel I’m stuck in this cycle of normality. Breakfast, nursery drop off, cook, clean, play with 1 year old, nursery pick up, feed kids, bath time, bedtime and then I feel ready for my own bed. We don’t have enough money to be able to break up this monotony with some excitement.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because I know how lucky I am to have what I have. I just feel like time is passing us all by and we’re not enjoying any of the finer things in life. We’re almost just stuck on repeat.

I’ve got my first piano lesson today in 15 years and I’ve got a dream of finding a way to reach the standard to be able to teach (although it’ll take me years and I may never reach the standard). It’s worth a go though. I feel like something needs to change.

Has anyone else been through this and felt this way while raising small children? Or am I being totally unreasonable?

Its difficult for me to advise because I would never dream in a million years of giving up my career for my DH, and so I am not a very good person to advise someone who has.

But why precisely can you not get a job to make you feel a bit more relevant in the world, and give you a bit more money?

I don't think you should feel surprised or guilty about losing a massive part of your life in giving up work.

DH is away for up to 8 months at a time and we have no family in this country so by the time I pay childcare, it’s just not worth it. Also, I feel DC need me even more to make up for the fact they don’t have a circle of family locally. I also feel like I’d run myself into the ground trying to work in my old field (which really needs to be done full time and very long days to be successful with it) on top of trying to take care of everything else, children & house related, all alone. It would work while DH is here but certainly not when he’s away.

Hence the reason I’m looking to something like piano teaching. Something more flexible that I hope to be able to fit round family life once DC are both in school.

Do you actually play the piano, though? Are you a complete beginner?

If your husband is away for 8 months of the year, could you live in your home country during that time?

Its difficult for me to advise because I would never dream in a million years of giving up my career for my DH, and so I am not a very good person to advise someone who has.

Yup.

If DH is away for 8 months of the year anyway could you live nearer your parents/family?

It is only 'not worth it' financially now... when the children are in school it will be 'worth it'. TBH I woudl look at getting back into your old job since you obviously really liked it. Working, paying into your pension etc now will reap benefits when your children are older and you are more senior, earning more, more fulfilled etc.

Piano lessons sounds like a great idea - for you now and to have a goal to work towards so go for it I say! Could you do other training like to be a personal trainer or something like that? I understand how it feels to be a trailing spouse (not military though). I gave up my career to move countries and also look after our children but it does get better when they are both at school and you can find something to sink your teeth into.

mybrilliantdisguise I played for years when I was at school. I never sat an exam but was playing grade 6 pieces when I stopped so I do have some experience although I’ve forgotten a lot.

I think the feelings you're having a pretty common. Lots of SAHMs get restless and want more but while the youngest is still well under school age, you're a bit stuck. Doesn't mean you can't make a start.

Having piano lessons now so that you're teaching by the time they are school age is a great plan.

In terms of generally giving them more experiences of life, look out for deals - free film previews, cheap family meals out, nectar points of similar to trade for days out in interesting places. Loads of museums are free (in UK - not sure where you're based) and there are often free concerts or shows for children in major cities (again, I'm talking about UK.)

Save up for holidays abroad. We never took DC abroad until the youngest was 7 (apart from a weekend at Disneyland Paris) because they'd barely remember it. Lots of friends did long haul and expensive holidays their DC have no memory of. The later the better for the big experiences, imo.

Have a look at doing a TEFL course? Could be a way out for work and travel opportunities later

I feel this way. I have given up my teaching career to stay at home with the dc, and I don't know that I'll ever get back into it to be honest. I don't feel unhappy, we have a nice life and it's lovely being at home and a real luxury. But I often feel very unfulfilled. Like my brain is withering away. I try to challenge myself but who is it for really? This Autumn I have made lots of Christmas things for example, and have lined up several craft fairs to sell them, but it's hardly a career for me! I find the 12 months to 2.5 years the most draining with little dc, they need you so much but you want a life too. And let's be honest, toddlers are hard work, so a simple coffee out with friends or a trip to the farm is just a 2 hour mission sometimes. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to want more from life. I fully support Dh and his career and it's the right thing for our family right now, but I think when Ds finally goes to school I will be very glad to be part of something 'big' again as opposed to the all consuming microcosm that is being a sahm.

Glad to hear I’m not alone in feeling this way. I feel like I need some sort of guarantee that these things I want in life will still happen and it won’t be monotonous like this forever. I absolutely love having the opportunity to watch my children grow up so closely and to spend so much time with them, I just want a better future for us all I suppose.

There is no guarantee about anything in life - life is too short to wait around until children grow up or phases pass, it’s a cliche but you have to live in the present -try and fix how you feel now. It is just a few short years until they start school and then you do have a bit more freedom but I think if there are things you want you need to start building and preparing now.

There is no easy answer. The longer you are out of work the harder it is to get back in. My experience of my friends that were SAHP is that they never got back to being part of something 'big'. They picked up low paid jobs that fitted in with school hours, particularly if their husbands career took 'priority'. I retrained, became a teacher and for the most part it has worked. My children are now teenagers and it does not become easier. It is just different with different issues and stresses. I do not regret going for a career - it enables me to be independent and I want to instill in my children, particularly my daughter, the advantages of work/independence. However I will say that parenting teens while working full time has been the most stressful time of my life and I do now feel burnt out. Yes - build and prepare for your future but ensure that it does not mean you become the person managing the whole of the home/children situation and working your arse off as well. Very difficult - I do not have an answer.

There is no guarantee that the things you want to happen will happen. However if you invest time in planning and researching and setting some goals then you stand a much better chance of it happening. So I would like to recommend a book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It changed my life.