Was I really naive?

[purpleangel17]

The infidelity thread got me thinking.

Before I was ever cheated on, I thought that if someone was caught cheating they would admit it.

My ex played merry hell with me for years insisting he wasn't cheating despite plenty of evidence he was. Eventually for this and other reasons I left.

It sounds like he is far from the only person to do this.

Was I really naive or did anyone else think like that when younger? (I was 20-21 when it started.)

Just a guess, but I think what you are saying is if you were cheating and were confronted then you would confess. We often use ourselves as a starting point for judging what is normal behaviour, how people should behave in a given situation. And yes its a shock when you discover that other people are different and behave differently. I think it happens to us all. Unless Im being naive?

One thing I know for sure is that being cheated on leaves you with baggage. I'll never fully and naievely believe someone is incapable of it even though everything with my DH points to 'he simply wouldnt'. My ex did. And my only naievity was to feel really secure and to laugh off the women who hit on him. Then I saw one or two tiny indicators and everything changed. I wasn't naieve and gave him the benefit of doubt, I think as soon as I saw something small I knew. But until it happened, I was very trusting. Now I find myself occasionally feeling horrified or jealous when DH is out and I have to stamp it down as he's done nothing to deserve any mistrust. And until he does, I have to control my own emotions that are left from what my ex did.

it never used to even cross my mind that someone would cheat in a committed relationship. Now its all i think about

I used to get so confused when my ex would lie to me. I Knew he was lying, the proof was right there, I would tell him how I knew, tell him the proof, stuff there was no way he could get out of and yet he would insist I was wrong and he hadn’t cheated or whatever. I just couldn’t understand how I could be wrong. I wasn’t wrong. I just hadn’t realised that some people will never ever admit their wrong doing. Regardless of the proof against them. They just won’t do it. To this day I still don’t know what was real or not about our relationship.

I think theres a difference between honest and naive.
Naive to me is when there's fairly good evidence of cheating but you have your head in the sand.

Cheating is worse than lying morality wise. They Also benefit from keeping things how they want them (either keeping someone around or in back up or to feel smugly superior in their duplicity). Most cheaters are missing any sort of empathy as they don't give a fuck about anyone but getting things their way.