Parents evening

[aibutoask]

Ok, so nc for this.
Parents evening last night. I’ll just give you the basic info
My DD is 7, a Bonny girl and taller than most. She’s so caring, very motherly, likes to look after younger children. She is in a group of friends, loves to talk about what they get to to but from what I get from her she doesn’t have a “bestie” . There are a little group of 6/7 girls who usually play together. She’s told me that sometimes they run away from her in the playground. I’ve told her just to go and play with someone else, but she wants to play with these certain friends.
Two weeks ago she broke down, saying they wouldn’t play with her. I asked her did she know why and she said it was because she was “shouty”....I asked her why she shouted and she she said it was because they didn’t listen to her, so I explained that to be listened to, you don’t have to shout and that her friends would probably listen more if she talked nicely instead of shouting.
Anyhow.... cut to parents evening.... feedback from teacher is that she’s very bright, can always answer questions and solve problems when there is a class discussion but fails to get things down on paper in the required time as she’s too busy making sure everyone is ok..... Lovely in theory but not helping her as she doesn’t complete work in required time.
This was a negative in parents evening from her teacher. Anyway this really upset me as I can see she’s trying to please people.
WIBU to get upset?

She sounds lovely op - she really does. But I would sit with her (maybe with dolls or teddies) and role play with her

Types of conversations - letting every teddy have their say - that type of thing. It does sound like she is taking the motherly role but that is just her personality

I would get tough in her regarding not doing her own work though.

What do you mean by "Bonny"? Do you mean she's overweight OP? I'm asking because it could be affecting her poetry.

YANBU to feel upset as it’s always sad to hear something negative about our DC.

But as you’re getting this feedback it makes sense to try and do something about it. It may be for the nicest of reasons, but it sounds like your DD is interfering a little too much with her friends (both socially and in lessons) rather than letting them play how they want to and focusing on her own work.

Role play is a good idea as a pp suggested. Does she have any siblings? How does she interact with them?

I don't think yiu need to be upset.

Thr teacher has said your DD is a lovely girl and a great pupil to teach but in class she needs to spend less time talking to others (whether it's work help or just other stuff) so she can get her work done.

Don't worry. Have a chat eith your DD about when to be talking vs working etc and she'll be fine

Did you speak to the teacher about the playground stuff? Her behaviour in class is probably a symptom of what is happening at break and lunch. I think you need to get the teacher involved.

My dd went through a really bad time at school when she was younger than your dd. One girl gave the other girls in the friendship group a choice of playing with her or dd. They chose her. So dd suddenly found herself friendless. I spoke to the school and she slowly reintegrated and I got her busy with after school activities where she mixed with kids she didn’t know and some she did.

I think taking your dd to clubs outside of school would really help her with her confidence. Perhaps take her along to brownies. Find a sympathetic group leader and tell them the issues so they can help. Perhaps slightly out of area so that your dd can find a different group of friends. Dd also does judo, martial arts are great for confidence and adhering to the rules - karate and judo are great and judo is more gentle especially in the beginning. Get your dd involved in something she loves.

Bonny just means bright and joyful not fat doesn’t it? How did that jump to puberty so quickly.

I don't really see anything that back other than some constructive feedback.

Talk to your daughter - how is her writing, is the helping others s smokescreen or if she is uncomfortable writing

Then you need to talk to her about the socialising aspect

As a teacher I have to say she sounds a little nosey. I think you’re doing the right thing in talking to her and encouraging her to play with others etc. She’s young. She’ll figure it out.

I asked her did she know why and she said it was because she was “shouty”....I asked her why she shouted and she she said it was because they didn’t listen to her

It's good that you tackled this positively - but her behaviour isn't 'motherly', it's coercive and bullying.

feedback from teacher is that she’s very bright, can always answer questions and solve problems when there is a class discussion but fails to get things down on paper in the required time as she’s too busy making sure everyone is ok

From this I take that she dominates discussion time, then interferes in everyone elses work.

Does bonny mean she's 'large' ? Tall and overweight and forthright?

I've not heard Bonnie to mean overweight.

I think you could ask for some strategies to help her and what school are doing. I'd definitely talk about the playground issues, it sounds like she needs some support on social rules and play.

This was literally what my teachers said about me (32 years ago). And to be honest school wasn’t the best of times for me, however I’m a very content adult.

Some kids, just aren’t best-suited to being a kid. I was too nosy, too interested in everyone else, this stands me in good stead as an adult, as I have the experience necessary to temper my behaviour.

I’m trying to think about what my parents could have done to help me at that age. The most popular kid I knew (one of my on-off friendship group) was so cool because she was quite disengaged and had an “I don’t really mind” attitude, maybe the opposite of what we value as adults, and I remember wishing I was more like that.

I think confidence was the biggest thing for me, it felt like everyone criticised the way I was, and that I was somehow failing. I wonder if I was more confident I’d have calmed down a bit, and stopped trying to make sure everyone else was okay, and trying to get my own point across so hard.

You may regard her as "motherly" but most kids don't want to hang around with their mothers at school, they want friends who treat them as equals and with respect.

Ds2 is also a little bossy boots and has had to learn to tone it down in order to rub along ok with his peers. He learnt and your dd will too - and faster if you don't frame her behaviour in such positive terms.

I've always known "bonny" to mean plump. It's a "kind" word for bigger than average and pretty where I'm from.

I don't mean to offend anyone. It's just OP mentioned her height and then the fact that she was bonny...so seemed to be a mention of her size being an issue.

A quick Google reveals that plenty of others also think it means plump.

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/pregnancy-64/baby-names-643/613845-help-registerd-daughters-name-but-am-now-unsure-all.html

Sounds like a girl in dds class - absolutely dominates the other girls though this one isn't particularly kind. Eventually they all got fed up with it and stopped playing with her. Your dd needs to learn from this and moderate how she interacts with other kids. A mothers indulgent view of "abit shouty" and "motherly" could be seen by her peers as an overbearing dominant bossy character they just don't want to be around anymore.

'she’s too busy making sure everyone is ok'
'Shouty'
'Motherly'

In the nicest possible way OP, she sounds bossy and maybe a bit of a know-it-all.

And yes there is a code used by teachers I think. At least she wasn't described as "spirited".

I get it's upsetting when you have only ever had "delightful" and "lovely" feedback and you sail in expecting that and it doesn't happen. The teacher has done you a favour though all this sounds sortable and now you can help her be a kinder friend and move through this as a developmental stage. Rather than her ending up an actual domineering bossyboots.

school it doesn’t work to preface a nasty comment with “in the nicest possible way”. How unkind and unnecessary that was.

We are talking about a young child who is learning social skills. Thankfully her mother and teacher are role modelling these skills better than you are.

OP does your girl mix with older children too? Some children benefit v much from being with older children, it extends them.

Definitely not trying by be unkind here, OP's DD is clearly struggling socially, she obviously needs help nurturing her friendships. If she is overbearing or if her friends find her bossy, this could be a valid reason for her struggles.

When bringing a problem to MN, especially one about our DC, we need to be prepared to hear others opinions, as different perspectives can offer new insight into how to deal with our problems.

Im curious if the Op took any comments on board

School that is such a tired argument. Being in an Internet forum does not give you licence to be unkind about a child. Which you were. Overbearing, bossy - these very negative words have no place in the description of s young child. A child is never the sum of deficits, a child is learning and deserves respectful guidance.