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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dh to spend large chunks of our money on his daughter?

44 replies

beansprout · 16/04/2007 20:57

We are v skint at the moment and have a few things hanging over us (car about to go into garage, dispute with leccy company - you know the kind of stuff) and we find it difficult to save with our current outgoings (childcare, maintenance to dh's dd, mortgate - you know this stuff too!)

Yesterday we officially declared ourselves skint and said that we were going to "save like mad" for a while. We don't go out, take lunch into work and are now eating (even) cheaper meals.... you get the picture.

Dh comes home tonight and says that he will be going out for the day with his 19 year old dd on Sunday to buy her "everything she needs" for her upcoming trip to India. He doesn't know exactly what this entails but doesn't exactly have a history of turning her down. Any plans we had for the coming months (getting ds a bed, getting the fence fixed etc) have just effectively gone out of the window.

I'm feeling fed up. Can I have some constructive advice please? His dd receives about £350pm btw, and is currently working.

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 16/04/2007 21:58

why does he give her £350 pm? as she is 19 this can't be maintenance cos doesn't that stop then? has he always given her this money or has he only started giving it her since he didn't have to pay child maintenance anymore?

i would also be interested to know that if your ds at 18 wanted to do it would you make sacrifices so you could help him?

is her mother paying anything towards this trip at all? i think it would be fair to agree on an amount between her and your dh and then split it equally.

electra · 16/04/2007 21:59

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Don't agree with Kaloo. And if your husband's dd knows you can't even afford a bed for your ds she is being selfish and spoilt imo.

BrownSuga · 17/04/2007 11:56

I don't know what's wrong with kids today. I was working full time at 18 and since then my parents have only ever helped out partially with wedding costs. My DSF offered some assistance when that ended in disaster, but even though a very generous offer, seeing I was in a position to help myself I said no. I've been brought up with the mantra, if I can't afford it myself (without loans) then I didn't get it.

Why should parents continue to subsidise their adult children's lives when they have genuine dependants, and also need to save for their retirement?

motherinferior · 17/04/2007 12:01

Oh no, I hoped this wouldn't be you.

No, you're not. And a 19 year old is definitely an adult.

custy · 17/04/2007 12:01

wtf is he giving her money for?

shes 19.

fuck that - she's all grown up.

my 17 yo gives me money.

my turn.

stop that giving of money immediatley.

shes going to INDIA?
fking INDIA

its hardly a cefax holiday to benidorm is it?

bigbird2003 · 17/04/2007 15:51

Think I'm alone here but.....

I have 4 teens, I get (and have got for 8 years) £400 pcm

I have paid for everything (uniforms, school trips, pocket money etc) and am looking to find money for driving lessons, uni etc in the near future

My kids are now old enough to understand dads money doesn't cover hardly anything and mum has done the most. They are confronting him theirselves now for neccessities and luxuries and as it is the kids doing it (and not me) he is finally contributing a little more (but still doesn't cover hardly anything)

Maybe this girl is thinking, mum has paid for years, it's dads turn

It is hard to 2nd famillies though. Luckily my ex doesn't have anymore children and only a partner

sorry, just my feelings coming from the other side

agnesnitt · 17/04/2007 16:20

That's fair enough, but if she is a working lass she needs to be paying her own way.

Agnes

FloatingLikeALeadBalloon · 17/04/2007 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SillyMillysMummy · 17/04/2007 16:56

btw pmsl at custys comments

LittleSarah · 17/04/2007 17:01

I have to agree with the majority here. If she is getting £350 plus wages I don't see why her dad needs to buy her all this stuff. And I am a single mum who worries about future step-parents!

Why does she get £350? A friend of mine got money from her dad as she was still in full-time education, is that it? If so I think that is alright (wish I'd got it!) but no need to spend more on India trip! My sister went to India last year for a month and took a few items of clothing and some money. Is she planning on mountain climbing?!

Basically she is old enough to fend for herself, and she sounds very lucky financially already, she doesn't need anymore.

Chocolattegirl · 17/04/2007 17:15

I don't see why she can't fund the essentials out of her £350pm or her wages. I'm sure that would go a long way in India, especially if she's backpacking. I would love to have that amount of disposable income per month as 'pocket money' .

Yes, buy her a nice rucksack or decent sleeping bag/travel insurance but 'everything she needs' somehow translates to me as 'everything she wants'.

At 19 I would have felt guilty asking my Dad for more money if my DB/DSB didn't have a bed to his name. Maybe she needs to be put in the picture a bit more re family finances?

OMGhelp · 14/10/2007 16:47

At 19 the daughter should be sorting this stuff out herself, if she doesn't know the real value of money now what is she going to do when she gets into trouble in India? My DD left home at 17 because she was holding down 2 jobs and a full time college course and needed to be nearer so that travel time didn't take up too much of her day. DS1 (21 yrs) is still at home but recently went to Hong Kong and China, paid for with his own money, we just helped him to source cheap flights etc.
It doesn't help the daughter to grow up if she doesn't take responsibility for her own money. Why can't she go next year when she's saved up her own money?

OMGhelp · 14/10/2007 16:52

And again.
A young friend I know, has held down two jobs for the last 18months to pay for a round the world trip of a life time. He stayed at home and the only financial help he had from his parents was that they reduced his 'keep' to £20 per week. He flew this morning to Miami, where he flies to South America for 4 months, then onto New Zealand and Australia for another 4 months and then to Thialand, Goa etc for the last 4 months.
I certainly admire him more for going alone than I do your step daughter for milking her poor dad.

edam · 14/10/2007 17:02

It's dh you've got the problem with. Sounds as if you have different priorities - is he feeling non-resident parent guilt?

I don't think it is unreasonable of a 19yo to say 'yes, thanks' when her dad offers to contribute to a trip, or anything else. But I think your dh needs to sort out his attitude to your joint finances.

edam · 14/10/2007 17:02

And does she work work, or is she still in education?

serenity · 14/10/2007 17:05

As this seems to have been resurrected.....beansprout, what happened in the end?

edam · 14/10/2007 18:51

Oh, didn't realise OMG had brought up an old thread!

OMGhelp · 14/10/2007 23:13

oooops, sorry, I'm new to this, I should check the dates.

helenhismadwife · 15/10/2007 15:25

I would be interested to know what happened as well

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