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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend large chunks of our money on his daughter?

44 replies

beansprout · 16/04/2007 20:57

We are v skint at the moment and have a few things hanging over us (car about to go into garage, dispute with leccy company - you know the kind of stuff) and we find it difficult to save with our current outgoings (childcare, maintenance to dh's dd, mortgate - you know this stuff too!)

Yesterday we officially declared ourselves skint and said that we were going to "save like mad" for a while. We don't go out, take lunch into work and are now eating (even) cheaper meals.... you get the picture.

Dh comes home tonight and says that he will be going out for the day with his 19 year old dd on Sunday to buy her "everything she needs" for her upcoming trip to India. He doesn't know exactly what this entails but doesn't exactly have a history of turning her down. Any plans we had for the coming months (getting ds a bed, getting the fence fixed etc) have just effectively gone out of the window.

I'm feeling fed up. Can I have some constructive advice please? His dd receives about £350pm btw, and is currently working.

OP posts:
colditz · 16/04/2007 20:58

No, IMHO, you are not being unreasonable.

PanicPants · 16/04/2007 20:59

Does she get the £350 from your dh?

serenity · 16/04/2007 21:00

Why does he still have to pay maintenace if she's 19 and working? Genuine query btw as when I was 19 and working I was giving money too my parents!

Kaloo20 · 16/04/2007 21:00

Sorry, yes you are being unreasonable.

harpsichordcarrier · 16/04/2007 21:05

weeeellllll
tricky. 19 yo is an adult. if you had money to spare fair enough, but imo she shouldn't expect to be subsidised

Kaloo20 · 16/04/2007 21:06

It's a big thing for her and him, she is spreading her wings and travelling. This will be one of the big adventures in her life, and he wants to help her prepare in a typical Dad way - spend some money on her.

He is aware of your money situation ... he's a grown man, please try not to worry, the fence can wait a little longer and the £350pm payments are likely to stop soon now she's finished f/t education

Quasi · 16/04/2007 21:06

No, you're not being unreasonable. If she's working AND he's still supporting her, why can't she pay for her stuff out of that?

Wotzsaname · 16/04/2007 21:06

Well...if you knew what she 'needed' then that might help.
FWIW I left home and 17 and would loved to have had a trip to India, didn't get one, was busy working!

jampot · 16/04/2007 21:07

maybe dh wants to contribute towards her trip somehow and figures the fence can wait til maybe next year?

I think possible a bit unreasonable

KnayedFrot · 16/04/2007 21:10

No, if you are having to be v. careful with money at the moment this applies to everything, why should this expenditure be any different?

How long has DH known she is going for, and how long has he been planing to spend this money? it doesn;t sound like it was part of your joint financial planning.

liquidclocks · 16/04/2007 21:11

It's the 'everything she needs' bit that I would draw the line at - I mean, OK, go and buy her a backpack or a first aid kit - something useful - but 'everything she needs' sounds like it will cost lots and it's not fair to effectively ask you and your other children to make 'basics' sacrifices (especially food) so she can have some luxuries she ought to be buying herself.

I think you need to tell it like it is tbh if your relationship will allow it.

FloatingLikeALeadBalloon · 16/04/2007 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jampot · 16/04/2007 21:18

is she working full time or just in a part time student job?

ash6605 · 16/04/2007 21:21

to be honest i can see both sides of the argument. your dh fathered this girl and its up to him(and her mother)to ensure she has everything she needs.she is still young so i wouldn't expect her to pay for these kinds of things all on her own-think of it this way if it was your hubby and your daughter wouldn't you be buying these things for her?

saying that i do not think it fair that your children should be missing out for the sake of her trip-i have been there with the cutting down and its awful having to tell your kids you can't afford things-worse still if their half sister is getting things when you are supposed to be cutting down.

i have always said i could never be in your position,i would find it very hard to be married to someone who had kids prior to our relationship as i'm too selfish and would be really annoyed by situations like this.i truly admire people who can have this kind of relationship.

LowFatMilkshake · 16/04/2007 21:21

I was paying my mum £280 a month at 19 (13 years ago)!!

She must be quids in!

But you cannot come bewteen a man and his daughter. Therefore I would tell you DH you have some concerns, especially after you had both just discussed your situation.

Ask him to put a limit on what he will spend, if possible take the cash instead of a card. Also make sure he asks his DD to write a list rather than taking inspriation as they wander round.

If she needs things like back packs etc, why not offer to source one for her from by borrowing or from e-bay etc, meaning the cost is kept down.

If she demands everything new then I think she knows she's is on to a good thing with her dad.

I can understand how frustrating this must be for you. We are always trying to save just as the car needs tax, the fence blows down, the children need shoes - it never ends!

PanicPants · 16/04/2007 21:23

No I don't think you are being unreasonable, but maybe he could buy her SOMETHING, rather than EVERYTHINHG.

A happy compromise?

chicaguapa · 16/04/2007 21:30

Would you feel any differently if the girl in question was your daughter? I ask this because when I went travelling at 18 my dad & step-mum bought me nothing saying that they had no money to help. This was fine with me at the time as I'd been brought up to not expect things and to work for them; so I funded the whole trip myself.

But when my step-sister was 18, my dad was expected by my step-mum to fork out for her daughter which he has done. Their financial situation is no different and they have paid half of her travelling costs to go round the world.

I always felt that my step-mum should have treated me the same as her daughter and if they were able to stretch themselves for my step-sister then why resent my dad for spending money on me?

catsmother · 16/04/2007 21:34

Errrmmm ...... I'm sure a fence might be able to wait, but if money is totally tight it's a choice between getting DS a bed he actually needs, and indulging a 19 year old working adult who, let's face it, is going off on a jolly, then there shouldn't be any choice.

I think you need to sit down with DH and find out exactly what "everything she needs" means.

What about what DS needs - like a bed, which is a pretty basic requirement ?

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 16/04/2007 21:37

When I was 19 and went travelling my parents obviously decided that "everything I needed" was to learn the value of money. Accordingly I had to work, save and pay for everything myself.

Even though my parents were very well off it never crossed my mind that they might have paid.

powder28 · 16/04/2007 21:45

Am torn by this one. Can understand your annoyance, but also she is his daughter, so it's difficult to say. The fact that your ds needs a bed possibly swings me to your side, yes it does actually. She is 19 yrs old and earning her own money. She should just go and get her stuff herself. She's not a child.
Your dh could still go with her but she can buy the things herself, as she can afford it.

MuminBrum · 16/04/2007 21:50

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I can kind of see his point of view too. However, she doesn't need anything much to go to India - backpack, malaria pills, visa - or is he buying her air ticket too?

agnesnitt · 16/04/2007 21:51

She should pay for it herself. Isn't there another thread somewhere on here about holidays not being a right but something to be worked for and so on?

Buying her a couple of gifts to take with her, or maybe even contributing towards decent health insurance would be a nice gesture, but 'everything she needs' sounds a little too vague and credit card damaging to me.

Somebody suggested that he leaves his cards at home. I like that idea, why not combine it with you and your child/ren going too, so you can get stuff the entire family needs so his older daughter can see that his financial responsibilities do not begin and end with her whims?

Agnes

jampot · 16/04/2007 21:53

he should do what he feels he should along with looking at their joint finances. This could be a super trip for her she's not just off to Ibiza for a party

I think he should have discussed the matter with the OP and definitely not at the expense of their sons bed but maybe the fence isnt importanbt in the scheme of things

bozza · 16/04/2007 21:54

Actually I think a fence is more important with a toddler than a bed! It is a safety issue. I don't think we really have enough detail here to decide. Who does his DD receive £350pm off, and why, and what sort of job does "currently earning" mean.

KnayedFrot · 16/04/2007 21:54

I would not expect DH to pay for e.g. my stepchildren's driving lessons if we were finding it hard to make ends meet. I would expect him to help them out if we could afford it, though, just like we will do when DS is that age.

My stepchildren are 18 & 20 and both working, so DH no longer pays maintenance. he will obviosly continue to support them in whatever way possible and affordable.

I think in the circs buying her one item would be reasoanble, but not just an open ended "everything"!