To cut all ties with the family

[outnumbered81]

Just checking my name change

I do understand what you mean, OP. My DM is lovely with my DDs, and I find myself thinking, why weren’t you bothered with us when we were growing up? She loved me, and my siblings, but she was so focused on work and was aloof at home. She also failed to see that my father was abusing us, so that adds to my resentment, and I don’t have the energy for it so I mostly don’t contact her or see her.

I’m close to my DSis, we went through a lot of similar experiences; our kids are similar ages too. My DB, though, is seriously mentally unwell. He also abused us growing up, though he was abused himself. My DM has always expected me to help support him and I just can’t anymore. I have PTSD and depression and don’t have the energy.

So I can’t advise, OP, but I can empathise. I’ve gone for low contact, as I can do that without having to actually decide anything, just fade away, even if only for a period. Maybe that’s what you need too. You have every reason to be angry with your DM, you don’t sound ‘entitled’ to me at all.

There does not come a point when one can give no more.
You can continue getting pushed and pulled by abusive relatives
Then you simply break yourself. I have had to let people go and it's caused me great pain. I am sociable and would adored my family to get on. Over along period I know they can't. I have to let them go I hVe my own dc to think about. How can I cope with them when being emotionally drained.

I left my entire family for a years break from them. It's been 12 years now and terribly hard. I haven't really regretted it though as they were very negative, jealous, controlling and uninterested. My kids have grown up with this decision and they are ok with it. The hardest part I think are family celebrations, birthdays, xmas etc... It stings then but my choice so I just do other things on those days. It hurts a little that Aunts, cousins etc.. have not bothered to try and get in touch but I'm sure they were fed a pack of lies about why I removed myself from the family. I hope you work out what to do, slipping out slowly might just make their behavior worse. It's your choice.

Hi OP. Some similarities in your situation and mine. I have a very toxic mother, and sister. I won't go into details but I really emphasise with you. I went NC with my mother and sister 6 years ago. I can't begin to tell you how relieved I feel. It's like a rock being lifted off my back.

Maybe in future I will feel sad about it but, who knows? A friend said to me recently wow, you smile a lot. I actually hadn't realised that for years, I hadn't really smiled. I now focus on my lovely DDs who are in their early 20s, doing well and happy . My lovely OH who I've been with for 5 years. There is bliss in knowing that, he won't be meeting my mum - so she can't do as she did previously ie belittle me in front of partners and absolutely gloat when relationships went wrong. OH knows my story, doesn't judge and is really supportive. We are happy.

I'm convinced if I didn't go NC, I wouldn't feel as happy and peaceful as I do now. Everything feels ok now in all aspects of my life. I don't know your age but I'm in my 50s. & I should've gone NC so many years ago. I was always afraid to.

Don't leave it too long, will you? & ignore anyone here who calls you entitled, or conveniently ignores that yes you have been less-favoured and that's hurtful, or infers you should prostrate yourself in front of your mum, explaining the hurt etc. You know your mum will thrive on it. & nothing will change. Ill-behaved people know what they're doing, there is absolutely no purpose in thinking you telling them, will change anything.

& unfortunately there are people out there who will read a story like yours and stick their oar in to put you down. Compounding the shit others have been through makes them feel good

Have you been on the Stately Homes thread? You will get a lot of understanding over there. People who have gone through similar to you.

Concentrate on yourself and your DCs. That's where your real happiness is. Live your best life, as they say. & you don't need people around you who don't mean you well, in order to do that.

Softlycatchy I’m mid thirties.

Mittens I’m so sorry. That’s awful. You went through such a lot. Thank you for the post.
My brother has OCD and is well just a little odd at times. He doesn’t generally like other people holding his baby and gets really funny if we say baby looks like the mother and not him. He also speaks terribly to women, mostly his partner. My DH has said to me in a quiet moment in the kitchen before that is my brother continued to speak to his partner the way he was he would ask him to leave. My brother tells us all the time how much his partner drives him mad so we were a little surprised they had a child together.

November Completely agree. I too am sociable and would love my children to have a large family around them but they don’t really. No ones really bothered (on both sides if I’m honest) about what our children are getting up to. Every word that comes out of my mouth I think to myself did my mum ever speak to me like that? Because I don’t want my own children to ever feel how I did.

Mollydot sometimes I wonder if relocating to another country and just making that clean break would help. I get what you mean about fading out slowly. Although to be honest I don’t know that we would notice much of a difference to now.

Mistress Thank you that’s really helpful. Yes I do fear telling her why I’m upset would make no difference at all. She always likes to make me feel rubbish. Usually she comments on my weight as she knows I have had issues in the past. So I get called fat a lot.
I’m so pleased that you are happy and it’s worked out well for you. I just think maybe too much has happened and you’re right I don’t want to keep dragging it out feeling miserable.
I think she could do with some counselling but I fear it’s too late now. She has been offered it many times and always refuses. I would never allow her abusive parents around my children and that used to cause issue.

I guess what I really need to ask is are any of us getting anything good out of these relationships. I fear I already know the answer to that. The only member of my family that’s close to and makes great effort with my children is my sister.

OP, just the way you have engaged with everyone who responded to your post tells me how lucky your children and DH are to have you and that it really is your DM's loss not to have you in her life.

My friend hasn't gone nc with her narc mother. What i see is her mother refusing to admit she was a bad mother (physical and emotional abuse).
My friend has almost forgiven her but still gets angry when her mum makes out shes done everything for her kids. Friends kid are scared of nan and dont like her very much.
My friend loves her mum but really doesnt like her. Her mum will never admit her mistakes. Maybe you're hoping your mum will?
Only you can decide if you would be better off going nc.

So, we've ascertained at last, that your brother has some form of difficulty - you've decribed him as being odd and OCD. You are NT? Do you not think he needs more support than you? Thats often what it comes down to, who needs the help. And yes, you need help too, but you have a reliable partner. Your DB doesnt seem that stable himself.

Then there age factors. how old was your mothe when she had you, was she capable of being an effective parent? Was she a bit older and more experienced, confident with your brother?

To me, it seems like she too has some form of MH issues, you say she had PND etc after having you. What was her family support like? Was she very young when she had you?

you seem to be holding a lot of responsibility on her for the fact that you ended up pregnant and single. That is entirely a result of your actions, not hers, and the best way to avoid those problems is not to accidentally fall pregnant if you are single and have no money. (the mirena coil is an excellent form of contraception which you only need to think about once every 5 years).

There is absolutely nothing about being a grandparent that makes her responsible for babysitting your children.

So if you want to cut ties, it should not be because she is not sufficiently babysitting your kids.

It sounds like you want to punish her for not babysitting your kids and for not being positively supportive of your having so many kids and then struggling. The posts are continually about how she didn't babysit your kids enough.

Minerva what a lovely thing to say thank you.

Splinterz Perhaps she does feel my brother needs more help than me. I don’t think that would enter her train of thought though. Possibly that she can get more out of him ( he has more disposable income I would presume). She was in her thirties when she had me and had all her children within 4 years.

Kimmy I don’t hold her responsible at all for my being a single parent. But in life, no matter what your situation don’t we all want the support of our parents. I was in an abusive relationship ( the abuse started after my first pregnancy). I was young and thought I could change exp. I am well aware of how contraception works and I don’t want to go into all the details of that relationship.

Expat it’s not the babysitting in itself so much as the fact that she is treating the grandchildren differently. Like I said there’s no way she would have had any of mine so I could go to work, so why can she have my brothers baby. What’s wrong with my children? I don’t however, think I’ve been wrong in asking her to babysit over the years. It has honestly been very rarely. Is my brother not asking exactly the same of her?
I thought it was normal to expect a bit of support from your parents once you have left home (I’m not talking babysitting, I’m talking emotionally). I will certainly be there for my children and I can’t thinking of anything better once they’ve all left home than spending time with them and my grandchildren .

Your brother has one baby you have four children that’s a considerable difference. Was she working when you had your first two is she now available now but doesn’t want to care for all 4? You stated previously she would have one.

Also not to be right it isn’t a right for your parents to babysit we have three dc and we don’t get to go away for the night it was a decision to have three dc that people will not be able to accommodate caring for them so we can go away. I was a single mother with ds i paid for full time childcare and didn’t expect my parents to do childcare for me.