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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents getting involved with pre teen dramas. G

47 replies

Quiddichcup · 14/11/2017 09:25

I'm wondering if I aibu to be pretty angry right now.

My dd has just moved up to year 7. She's made lots of new friends and as such has finally broken free of the bullies from primary who are now in the other half of the school, so rarely seen.

Dd was walking to school with them, because she was nervous to walk alone but since she has grown in friendship confidence has stopped this and now has nothing to do with them.

This morning dd got a text from one of the mums saying her dd was very upset that she wasn't walking with my dd any more ( to be fair she wasn't a bully but part of the group and went along with it) and how nasty dd is being and to show the message to me.

I am furious and replied giving the full picture which the mum said she wasn't aware of at all but will speak to her daughter about but she just wants everyone to be friends.

I will not force my nearly 12 year old dd to call for anyone, least of all someone who is very close to the bully and is very fickle. I am actually proud of my dd not creating drama and distancing herself with miminum fuss.

So. Aibu to be angry that the mum has seen fit to do this?

OP posts:

coddiwomple · 14/11/2017 10:34

She should have gone through the proper channels. Which is through school

because a girl is not walking with her to school? No, absolutely ridiculous to contact the school about that. Kids have to be civil towards each other, they don't have to be friends.
It's even more ridiculous when the one putting some distance is a victim of bullying in the first place!

JonSnowsWife · 14/11/2017 10:39

No coddiewomple if the Mum genuinely believed her DD was being bullied, she should have took things through the school, not contacted the child.

Lloyd45 · 14/11/2017 10:44

I feel for you, a similar thing has happened with my daughter. The good news is she has much nicer friends and is doing really well at school, they have done her a favour at the end of the day

MerryMarigold · 14/11/2017 10:49

It's possible the girl whose mum got in touch, is now being bullied herself in the absence of the previous victim (OPs daughter). Perhaps she thought the OPs dd was part of it, and not walking with her was deliberately excluding her. She certainly wasn't aware of the OPs daughter being bullied, so she may still think OPs dd is part of the other gang of girls.

Not saying the Mum should have intervened with the dd directly, that's not right. But it is another possible, and in fact likely, perspective.

coddiwomple · 14/11/2017 10:52

if the Mum genuinely believed her DD was being bullied, she should have took things through the school, not contacted the child.

sorry, misunderstood, yes on that point you are absolutely right.
Not walking to school with someone is not bullying however! It would be like be called to HR for "discrimination" or other nonsense because you are not giving a daily lift to a work colleague.

There are enough horrendous examples of bullying around, let's not minimise the real problem with non-issues.

JonSnowsWife · 14/11/2017 10:59

I know coddiwomple it sounds like the mum taking everything her DD says as face value.

DDs bullies used to do the same to her in Primary, tell the Parents it was my DD doing all the bullying, the same ringleader said the same about a year 4. Bit hard to successfully bully a group of year 5s when you're a terrified year 4 being cornered in a toilet by a group of them .

Theres a name for this and I think it's called covert bullying, where you bully the other person by making out they're the bully. We're having the same bloody problem with DD in secondary school now.

MerryMarigold · 14/11/2017 11:00

Agree Coddi. So often we do need to deal with things ourselves and not rely on school as the issues they deal with are much more severe. Someone being a bit marginalised and excluded is not going to interest the school unless it goes on for quite a long time, and has a significant effect on the child. This Mum was just being over protective and probably thought the OPs dd was being mean on purpose, especially if the other girls are at it. Hopefully the info the OPs mum gave this woman about previous bullying will enable her to get more of a handle on what the other girls are like.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/11/2017 11:05

The mum said dd was lovely and she didn't want them to lose their friendship. She doesn't think dd is anything to do with any bullying and I guess is just trying to stop her dd from being upset

Dd hasn't walked with this girl since maybe mid oct, so this is all a bit of a delayed reaction in any case. The woman's dd wasn't upset when they first stopped walking.... only now when she's fallen our with the bullies, gone back to my dd to try to walk with her and my dd has said no.

OP posts:

just5morepeas · 14/11/2017 11:05

Even if there wasn't a bullying issue, people change friends and grow apart - especially at that age. No one is entitled to be friends with someone and it doesn't make them mean if they stop being friends.

I would never get involved in my child's friendships like that. They've got to learn to navigate these types of things themselves.

Flicketyflack · 14/11/2017 11:07

It sounds like her Mum is still trying to co ordinate her daughter's friendship and your daughter is right to move on from it, as are you!

I can understand your response, especially if your daughter saw it as well.

Personally if it happens again I would exhibit the behaviour you want to see in your daughter and do not get involved in the text. There is no need for you to respond to another parent! It sounds like her daughter has had her friendships micro managed in the past and wants/needs this to continue!

I wouldn't beat yourself up about what you did. The action you took was with your daughters knowledge and involvement.

coddiwomple · 14/11/2017 11:10

I think the best thing you can do when your kids feel somehow "excluded" at school, is to reinforce after school clubs as much as possible. The more friends they make through a shared hobby in the evening and at weekends, the less bothered they will be about friendship disappearing. Hopefully they will make other friends anyway.

coddiwomple · 14/11/2017 11:11

I mean clubs out of school, with different people!

EdmundCleverClogs · 14/11/2017 11:12

only now when she's fallen our with the bullies, gone back to my dd to try to walk with her and my dd has said no.

As a side observation, do you think maybe this girl has now become the 'main focus' of the bully, now your daughter is not in the picture at all? Maybe she's looking for support/is feeling completely friendless if she's now not hanging with that group, but since everyone else in secondary have already found 'new groups', she's just trying to find her feet somewhere. Again, this doesn't mean your daughter has to 'make friends' at all, and still doesn't give the mum a right to text your daughter. Just trying to think of why the mum would be so silly or even desperate to text your child like she has.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/11/2017 11:18

Very possibly, but again, not really any of my concern, not dd's and no reason an adult should be texting my child, telling her off and telling her to show the message to me!

Dd isn't being excluded. She has actively decided to walk away from the girls. I do not know what is going on with the girls now as d's has had nothing to do with them.since mid oct.

I do know several children have asked dd how she has made new friends as they are struggling. But that's not really part of this.

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 14/11/2017 11:25

Very possibly, but again, not really any of my concern, not dd's and no reason an adult should be texting my child, telling her off and telling her to show the message to me!

No I do agree with all of the above. The more I read this thread, the odder it is in all honesty. Just wondering how a grown woman can justify texting a young girl like this. Either she is far too over invested in her daughter's life and friendships, or perhaps her daughter is really going through a tough time at the moment. If it's the latter, well much like you she's a mum who's looking out for and trying to help her child (though no denying, in completely the wrong way). I do hope it's the former, and this girl isn't hugely struggling.

luckylavender · 14/11/2017 11:26

Funny thread title, you sound just as involved.

coddiwomple · 14/11/2017 11:35

you sound just as involved

What parent would not get involved when an adult starts texting their child, whatever the reason!

brasty · 14/11/2017 11:36

YANBU, the other mother should not have got involved.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/11/2017 11:42

I wasn't involved at all till the text arrived this morning. Other than encouraging dd to make new friends and supporting her in doing so ( I just had a few of them round this weekend)

OP posts:

JonSnowsWife · 15/11/2017 11:53

Hi OP. How are things today?

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 15/11/2017 14:04

Ah, thanks for asking. Dd was very upset about the whole thing, especially the text from the parent and she said she felt bad all day.

I shut down the conversation with the parent, so that was the end of that.

I was still quite angry yesterday. People behave so oddly sometimes, and all over not walking to school together, the girl only lives maybe 3 mins from the school as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 15/11/2017 16:03

Poor dd.

She felt bad and had wanted to offer an olive branch to the girl, so had offered to meet her after school for a hot chocolate, checked with her and confirmed this morning.

She was stood up. The girl never showed. Eventually dd got hold of her 30 mins later and it turns out she had gone to walk her dog, didn't even think to let dd know..

Pretty mean.

But bridges now burned I guess, and it just shows dd she was right all along with distancing herself from these girls.

OP posts:

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