To be annoyed with my sister's view of my life.

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dsis is a couple of years younger, went into work from education, whereas I stayed on to get a degree and post grad (and three student loans). This meant I had a better paid career initially, but obv had loans to pay off.

We both gave up work after kids, she has walked into her present job through conversation with a contact, I am unable to find one atm. Despite starting off with school hours shifts, our parents now regularly pick up her kids from school and give them dinner before dropping them home. If I had a job that required the same help they'd be exhausted.

My dh often works away, due to his job we've moved a few times, have always had a house much smaller than dsis, with much bigger mortgage and considerably less equity. Most of our savings went in the last move.

She has at least six plus weekends or hobby breaks a year (by herself), with an extended family holiday and usually another week somewhere else. We go on the extended family hol with them, with a few day trips at weekends with our kids.

Her sil is v well off and will be leaving everything to dsis dc, as will her mil (I don't know why I needed to know this). My kids have the tiny trust fund account we set up for them as babies. Sil regularly gives dsis and kids nice shoes/clothes, masses of presents at xmas etc. I pass down clothes/coats etc to dsis, obv nothing comes my way from anyone.

Im sure theres more, but this is quite long. My issue is that despite us getting on well, dsis (and our parents) seem to have the set view that we are so much better off financially than her, which is just not the case. Her dc do 4 after school activities between them, mine do one each, she complains about the cost, but can't be that hard up if they can afford it.
I know someone will say I'm just jealous - I've always been happy for her good fortune, but it's increasingly grating on me that everyone thinks she's badly done by and has to work so hard, despite the fact that I and dh have worked just as hard (if not harder) and in reality are in the same position. Our children will be substantially worse off than hers in the long run, but she doesn't appear to appreciate this either, still thinks we are much better off and speaks/acts accordingly. I'm not expressing it very well, but it's like reverse snobbery, if thats a thing.

AIBU to be increasingly peeved to be seen as the one who doesn't need any help, while she gets a bunch of sympathy and handouts? What can I do to feel less peeved about it (apart from pull up my big girl pants and ignore)?

[I'm aware neither of us are on the bones of our arse, so are luckier than some. The issue is more the inequality of treatment rather than the value of material goods/finances involved.]

'Although one thing that really grinds my gears as someone whose job is all about contacts and making the most of opportunities - she didn't 'walk into a job'. Someone thought an opportunity would work for her, no doubt after a significant amount of energy, networking, etc and she has no doubt worked hard to convince them of the rightness of their decision.'

This. I reap benefits from contacts, but it comes after I have proved myself.

OP, I think this pattern is repeated in a lot of families, particularly as our parents' generation didn't reflect anywhere near as much as we do on their parenting and the assumptions they made about their children. I get that it is galling, but comparison really is the thief of joy in your case. You don't have to engage with your sister's lack of self-awareness. Cut it off, as kindly as possible, when she starts up about you being better off, and get on with living your life.

What did you do with your education OP? Why are you not using it?
The OP is raising her children, which would be more than enough but also looking for a job.
Staying home with your kids is never a waste of time or talent. Making snappy judgments about other people is not such a great example for your own kids...

Maybe part of your frustration is that you ‘did the right thing’; uni, degrees, mortgage etc? And she didn’t go to uni but is living with more flexibility and cash to hand?

What did you study op? Unfortunately many degree holders are finding that their work and life decisions thereafter just aren’t paying.

I'm probably projecting her, but it sounds like your parents have a lot of sympathy for her, none for you, and it's annoying. I get that.

It sounds like you want to start working again but are having problems making that happen. That seems like your bigger frustration.

Neither DH or I will inherit anything ever, and we both find it odd when people talk about what they will get when someone they theoretically love dies (I say theoretically because I find it hard to believe they love people when they are so looking forward to them being dead.)

Will the sacrifices for your DH's job pay off? For us, my DH's income continued to rise, and we ended up quite nicely off by the time the children were ready for uni, though when they kids were younger, we just seemed to be going in circles.

I would want to know what your dsis sees you have and she doesn’t.

Most of the time, people always see what they don’t have but their friend/sibling/person down the road has. And they stubbornly refuse to see what they do have but the other person doesn’t.

It would also tell you wat your dsis values too.

After that, lifestyle will have a big impact your how wealthy you will appear.
Eg moving a lot for work has a big cost financially but is allowing yu to meet new people, see new places etc... it will restrict you on work pov.
Staying at the same place avoids all the moving costs, you can build up a strong network around you (so easier to just ‘find a job’, get support from family etc...) Obvioulsy if you thrive on meeting new people etc... that’s not going to work for you.

These are all choices though. And what you need to do is, instead of looking at what your dsis has or hasn’t, if she has it easier or not etc... is to look at what sort of life YOU want and strive to create it.
It might mean that moving so often is NOT part of your dream life because you cant build up a career, because you have no network support etc... or it might be that it is because you get so much out of it (and so is your DH)....

You never know what is behind the facade. An ex colleague of mine had a fabulous lifestyle and income: business class to NYC, big house, and several other properties all rented out. It turned out that her (now ex) husband was a complete scumbag. She still has the house and is very comfortable financially but is very lonely and heartbroken.

My own sister calls herself a 'lady of leisure' on FB and is always posting picturesque snaps of the five bedroomed detached house in its own grounds that her family live in. What people don't know is that the house is rented and she is unemployed and financially completely dependent on an alcoholic in a self employed role that is very age sensitive. He is getting older every day and they have no savings, no investments and no pension plan as they both prefer 'living the good life' and spend every penny every month. AFAIK he also evades the tax man, at least that is what my sister told me when we were speaking.

Sounds like you have way too much time to spend thinking about all of this OP.

Remember OP COMPARISION IS THE THIEF OF JOY. Your OP is all the evidence of this truism you need.

I agree with that, RagingFeminist.

People I know who married straight out of university, bought a house and stayed in same graduate job are mostly very well off now. I moved around a lot, lived abroad, did some pointless and some not-so-pointless jobs... and consequently I did not buy a house when they were 25p so could move up the ladder, do not have a large network built up over decades and certainly don't have a big pension to look forward to (which is the latest boast it seems to me, things having moved on from house prices and how super-intelligent people's dcs are...).

But... would I swap? Nope.

I kind of get it OP.

My Mum once said she was unable to come and help look after our 2yr old DS even though DD was in intensive care in a hospital 40miles away at the time! It was the one and only time we have ever asked family for help and yet she looked after my DSIS's kids on a daily basis.

It did hurt but I have learned never to treat my own kids anything less than equally. I also built up my own support network of friends who I can count on in emergencies.

Focus on your own family and your own goals, could you write a 5 year and a 10year plan for where you want to be career wise? but don't let jealousy eat you up.

I sometimes come across people who settled early, got everything sorted and could even afford early retirement but were very bored with their lives and often felt trapped.

I've never been bored, and although I have sometimes felt trapped, my experience tells me that you can shake things up very easily. Would I swap? Not sure. I definitely have a broader mind and understanding of people in all kinds of situations.

OP, you took a different path to your DSis. It is annoying when parents etc have a certain view of their children, but unless you say something it won't change and maybe not even then either.

Squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Ohhh I like that - so true.

Also, are you both playing to 'roles?'

You sound self sufficient, responsible and 'adult' while she is dependent, needy and 'childlike'. Sometimes these 'roles' can be assigned as children and then lived up to as adults. Parents in particular find it hard to see past the role applied to their children.

I am in a similar situation, I have half the help but often my Dsis tells me our parents need a break and I need to reduce what assistance I am getting! Although last time she did this I spelt out exactly the difference and where the reduction needs to come from. She's not mentioned it again....

i understand - my parents have done a crazy amount of childcare for my siblings over the years, and none for me, people are always on holiday when they come to see us. Bitterness due to comparisons with other family is no way to live though, it'll only drag you down mentally - that's what the outcome is, not anything improving (I say from experience). You won't change it - cutting off the statements is all you can do and changing how much you let it get to you.

OP maybe the fact that you are not working makes your family feel that you are financially not in need as much as her, therefore you are in a better position? Or maybe your dsis is constantly saying how hard things are?

How does she sound needy or childlike?

If you poured the same level of energy into finding a good job (and one worthy of your degree and education) instead of directing it at your sister you would no longer feel the bitterness that you do.

Life is full of ups and downs, right now she is going through a good patch (although I am sure you don't see the struggles she must have to keep it all going) and yours will come to.

You are not truly happy for her at all, and eventually this feeling will erode and poison your relationship with her. She will be able to feel the bad feeling even if it is unspoken.

You need to stop looking over the fence, re evaluate your life and make the changes you need to make you happy. You are not content with your own life and this is the biggest problem you have, nothing to do with your sister.

Pull up your pants, get a job, build a nest egg for your kids and book a wonderful holiday and enjoy your own life.

Or stay at home and enjoy your kids and independence to do whatever you want, but you can't drag your whole family down with jealousy.

I come from a competitive family environment. It is upsetting. My brother and I used to discuss finances many moons ago until I found out he’d done spreadsheets on me. House equity, mortgage payments, investments etc. He’s an accountant. He has not had access to this information for years now. I bet he’s guessing though. Weirdo.

Honestly. Step away from the drama. It’s the only way. You are all portraying the “it’s not fair” attitude. Trying to justify the reality of the situation to them is actually immaterial. It is your reaction, which is everything. My mother thinks my brother is wonderful, he’s the golden child. For me, he’s a violent thug, who’s threatened me on numerous, recently physically hurt me and made my life hell growing up so I’ve cut him off now.

I would gently remind her that 'you never really know' how well people are doing and you may be struggling financially and she would never know.

It sounds as if she has a chip on her shoulder about your education and 'doing better than her' it is a pity your relationship seems built on competition.

Why don't you work?

I agree with others, you need to stop comparing your life with her. You also have no idea if her children will have it better, they could have bad luck with health, jobs, relationships whilst yours could have the best life ever.

@Mummyoflittledragon at brothers spreadsheet

Wow, Mummyoflittledragon , your brother has way too much time on his hands! Posts like this make me count my own blessings.

Agree with many of the posters above: change what you can; accept what you can't; count your own blessings

He only sleeps about 5 hours apparently.

What do you actually want, OP? Do you really want your family's rhetoric to become "Oh poor Jelly?" Because personally I would find that much more maddening than as assumption that I was doing fine.

Do you want your parents to do more childcare? Well yes, it would be harder to justify such as request if your sister is working and you're not, but if you think it would be fairer, why not have that conversation with them?

If you just want to change the way you feel about it, then concentrate on the benefits of the choices you've made - the advantages you see to being an SAHM etc.

You're language is very jealous.
She "walked into a job" and " I and dh have worked just as hard (if not harder)"...etc.

and
"If I had a job that required the same help they'd be exhausted."
You don't. So do you think your dp should have said they can't help your dsis just in case you required help too? That would be a bit silly.

On a more basic level if dc1 comes and asks for help with their homework, I don't say I can't because dc2/3 might need help with theirs and I can't do both. No I say "yes, I'll try" and if dc2/3 come and ask for help at the same time I sort it out with the situation at the time however it seems best.

Accept you've each got the life you chose. Both have advantages, both have down sides. if you spend your time comparing it won't help anything.

I dont really understand from your post what the inequality of treatment involves? Has she received large sums of money from your parents that you haven't?

I don't expect any help from my parents because I'm an adult. I can see that if my parents gave my sister a big handout, I might be a bit peeved, especially if we were in similar positions.

TBH it sounds like you have too much of a focus on the shallow minutiae of family life - you would probably forget about all of this if you had a meaningful job. Given all the money you have spent on your education, it would be a shame to throw it all away, given you don't seem happy.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil. So true. If you want some of the parental oil you will have to squeak for it. But that's probably not you, is it?