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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To prefer that my kids were adopted by anyone BUT my inlaws in the event of my death?

54 replies

whomovedmychocolate · 16/04/2007 20:10

Am currently on holiday with MiL, DH and DD (hotel has wireless so have snuck away). We stayed with SiL last night and DH (quite undiplomatically while I wasn't around, told SiL - she would NOT be named as legal guardian in the event of both of us dying because she is too old.
She went flipping mental and was still going on about it three hours later when we had dinner, wherein I tried to calm things by pointing out that she is 50-something now and she may not want to inherit a 13 year old when she is in her 60s, that as I am 20 yrs younger it'd probably never come up and that social services would have to assess her suitability if it did and that perhaps my brother and his wife (my age, three kids) might appear a better fit.
At which point MiL (80) pipes up 'well if it happens we would FIGHT for her'. SiL agrees and says 'I'm sure I could convince a court I was suitable if I hire a good barrister'.
When I responded that my daughter is not an object or prize to be wrestled for they said 'well it won't be of your concern - you'll be dead'!
DH and I discussed it later that night and as soon as we get back we are appointing two sets of guardians and making sure DD is protected from all this.
Would you leave your daughter in the care of these self-obsessed harridans? Not to mention any future children we might have.
I'm so angry with both of them.

OP posts:

gemmiegoatlegs · 16/04/2007 20:19

it sounds like a conversation that got carried away - maybe they were a little hurt to know they would not be considered in the event of your timely demise...were you all on the vino?

At the end of the day, it is you and your dh who will make those decisions. I think anybody would have to make a bloody big committment to look after somebody else's kids FOREVER anyway. I find looking affter my own quite hard enough

Lovecat · 16/04/2007 20:20

Oh Good Lord...

No, you are not being unreasonable! Not at all!

I suppose, trying to be even-handed, that SIL may have been upset by your DH's tone or the way that he put it, but to say they'd 'fight' for her?? Madness...

ValnBen · 16/04/2007 20:28

Whomovedmychocolate?.. know exactly where you?re coming from on this one.

Had similar myself with the in-laws ? now thankfully the out-laws.

XP (DP at the time) decided to get our ?things? in order.

Part of which was our wills.

We both decided that we didn?t want either of our parents to be appointed guardians ? party due to age but mostly due to differing/aged parenting methods.

Anyway, we decided on each of our youngest siblings ? my sister being 18 years younger than me, his being 5 years younger than him, but 12 years younger than me ? so mid 20s for my sister early 30s for his.

His mother HIT THE ROOF!!!! to say politely!!!!

But, on hearing that her youngest was one of the guardians her response was ? ?oh good only xx (my sister) to fight then!!! Bring it on!!!? complete with hand clapping ?like hurry up and die then so I can get my hands on him ??

Thankfully they are out-laws now and XP?s idiot of a solicitor has convinced him that he has PR already?..erm..DS born 2002 ? before the law changed in 2003 ? we were never married --- thing JF must have been involved here somehow ? Not champing at the bit to tell him different ?.so out come ? he has no PR ? neither do the GP?s????.Never actually got round to signing the will anyway?..

Original poster

whomovedmychocolate · 16/04/2007 20:50

VainBen - do we SHARE inlaws?

Mind basically hated me till I got pregnant and then kept patting my belly saying 'when is 'our' grandchild/niece coming out then.

Gemiegoatlegs - I don't drink so no, that wasn't the problem. SiL basically thinks the sun only shines to reflect light on her shiny arse and that the world revolves onto to show off her best side She's the most insecure, conceited piece of jumped up flibberty jibberteryness I've ever met...did I mention I don't like her much?

DH was undiplomatic, but she takes any decision she doesn't like as a personal affront. We are both secularists and plan to raise our children with no religion. SHE had a hissy because this meant SHE couldn't be a godparent and had bought a new dress for the event (which we'd never discussed with her because it was never going to happen).

The only good thing I can say about them is that they live a VERY long way away.

OP posts:

gemmiegoatlegs · 16/04/2007 20:53

i meant them drinking, not you
like a I love my granddaughter," "Not as much as I love 'er" "Well my dad's bigger than your dad!"

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 16/04/2007 20:57

if you have a will in which you have appointed guardians they won't have a say. Your child, your choice. tell them to get stuffed.

Original poster

whomovedmychocolate · 16/04/2007 21:12

Hi wannabewhatiwannabe - We've got our wills pretty much sown up but actually you can't bequeath children as such. Also the wills aren't read until 30 days after death by which time it's pretty blooming late if your inlaws have indoctrinated them

I'm going to ask my mum (she's a social worker) the best way to make sure it happens how I want it too.

I'm also going to make sure I outlive my inlaws (even if that means running them over myself!)

OP posts:

chocolatechipmonkey · 16/04/2007 22:13

OMG if you're unreasonable, then so am I! MIL already goes behind my back with the ds's. One night she made ds2 repeat a prayer he didn't know seven times till he had it off by heart. That'll teach him to love religion, NOT! They dread her babysitting, never mind being reared by her. The only person I would want to have my boys would be my dsis but I don't know if her dp would agree, they take the boys for a week every summer but I think he has had enough at the end of the week!

munz · 16/04/2007 22:17

J has my parents end of! lol. in the event of them not being about he'll go to either of our brothers (pref mine but only as he's settled down with as partner and house etc where as BIL is still young and has no job) but that's all likely to change.

I don't think you're unreasonable it's down to you who has your child, and who will look after them best/guide them as you would wish iycwim.

chocolattegirl · 16/04/2007 22:25

I haven't appointed a guardian for my DD yet but I vaguely said my sister could take charge in the event of my death. Events since then have caused me to revise this opinion (she disapproves of my lifestyle/life choices and never hesitates to let me know it) but so far I've not done anything about it to appoint anyone else. It would have to be a family member really.. gulp.

stitch · 16/04/2007 22:29

only read origiginal post.
had to laugh. how lovely that you have inlaws who would like to have your kids. so much so that they are acting like this.
by all means draw up the legal arrangements, but also, enjoy the love of these nutty people. you are blessed

ZisforZebra · 16/04/2007 22:45

DH and I have named my mum to have our kids in the event of "the dark scenario" (as our solicitor refers to us both dying at the same time). We've told her that she must give access to MIL (who is lovely) but stepFIL is a strange, selfish man and we wouldn't want them raised in that house. If it was just MIL there it wouldn't have a problem but sFIL was jealous of the cat she owned when they got together. A CAT!

It feels reassuring to have everything in order. I wouldn't want a court to decide my childrens futures.

At the end of the day, you must do what you think is right for your children and fuck everyone else.

Bonniecat · 16/04/2007 23:10

I have named my cousin who is also godmother, although she is 50 this year (a very young at mind and in body 50) I am 36. My DD is 4 and I am (nearly!) divorced, ex lives abroad and my in-laws contact us about twice a year if that. They live over the other side of the country and DD can only just remember maybe 2 of their names. My lawyer says that my wishes will be taken into account in addition to any blood relatives wishes as it would depend who she has known and how much contact she has had with different people over the course of time. Although the will is not a definite solution it does record the fact that I have thought about what is/isn;t acceptable for her and as long as I keep records of previous wills and mentioned the same thing consistently that shd be ok.

CarGirl · 16/04/2007 23:16

our guardians are the childminder & my best friend!

ellceeell · 16/04/2007 23:45

We agreed a reciprocal arrangement with my brother and his wife. They moved to a lovely area and we had a great visit with them and all our children together. A short time later dd1 (then aged 10) asked what would happen if me and her dad both died. We explained about them going to her uncle and aunt. "Oh" she said. "That would be really great!"

pastalady · 16/04/2007 23:48

Agree with gemmiegoatlegs in that it was a conversation that got carried away - but still what a horrible thing to say to you. I can see why you feel so angry.

It's easy to say such blunt, stupid, tactless things about somthing so hypathetical and thankfully, unlikey.

But still, it'll probablly niggle at you until it's sorted. I would work out who you would definately want as guardians, get their permission and make it legal in your wills. If something ever did happen, your SIL and MIL would just have to accept things because something like that is unquestionably yours and yours alone to decide (and your DH of course).

Our problem is the opposite - on paper the only appropriate people in our family that could take on our two year old if something happened is my SIL and her husband. I would actually rather him be adopted by stangers because my SIL can be very cold, pedantic, detached and depressive. My BIL is a good guy at heart but is extremely racist (which DP and I detest) amongst other things. Their outlook on life is the total opposite of our own. I want it stipulated that my DS should go to anyone in our small family who at the time can offer the best home for it but not them!

Still have not resolved the issue and have nothing on paper.

agnesnitt · 17/04/2007 00:34

Is it bad that I can think of nobody in my family I would trust to bring up my children in the event of my death?

I would have said my ex, but knowing the woman he has chosen to consort with, and the absolute nightmare her daughter is I would rather have her be adopted by utter strangers than him take her which is a shame as he is a good dad, he's just screwing an utter cow.

Yes I am a cold and heartless bitch. It's just one of the things I have to live with

Agnes

agnesnitt · 17/04/2007 00:35

Sorry, forgot to say that I think the original poster and her partner should do as they wish and to hell with the family.

Agnes

(who is tired and pondering her bed)

UmSami · 17/04/2007 00:40

YOu sound completely reasonable...and so does your husband...

Thank goodness he is of the same opinion as you and you are united in your decission...

Good luck with the rest of your hol, and lets hope that all of this is hypothetical anyway!!!

MarsLady · 17/04/2007 00:57

You're not being unreasonable. Good move to appoint guardians.

I wouldn't rest easy in my grave knowing that my ILs were raising my kids. Have chosen their guardians also.

Stigaloid · 17/04/2007 14:49

You're not being unreasonable, but serious question - i always thought godparents were to be the guardians in an untimely death of parents?

piglit · 17/04/2007 14:52

My dses' guardians have strict instructions to keep my dses away from my poisonous evil mil.

Tell your guardians what's been said. It might change their views about being a guardian but it will also let them know what to expect.

sunnysideup · 17/04/2007 15:16

stig, I really don't think so! Not unless you specifically name godparents as your chosen guardians in a will anyway.

Being a godparent gives you no official 'stake' in the child's life.

expatinscotland · 17/04/2007 15:21

No, that's not unreasonable.

I wouldn't want my children brought up by anyone but my sister and her family, tbh.

Stigaloid · 17/04/2007 15:22

Really?

What's the point of Godparents then?

Mind you, my godparents were pretty rubbish - i never heard from my godfather (i actually only met him at my wedding last year when i was 31) and my godmother stayed pretty much out of my life till i was 18.

Not sure who would look after our DS (will be born later this summer). Damn hard question to think about.....

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