*maybe triggering* To feel so sad my dc have special needs?

[HCantThinkOfAUsername]

I feel so awful. DS1 has autism, doesn't really have friends, really sensitive but I love him to bits, always knew something wasn't quite right, but that was fine.
Ds2 has now been diagnosed with global developmental delay and query other things - it's come as a complete shock. I thought he was just a bit behind and would catch up and ignored what HCP were telling me basically.
I've worked as a HLTA in a SN school so how did I not recognise it?
I feel so awful but it's just hit me and can't stop crying. I struggle with DS1 and his needs and now I've two.
I worry about they're future so much.
Just needed somewhere to write it all down.
It's surely not normal to feel this way?

@Abbylee that must be very hard. With one of my children we always knew with my youngest she regressed and I miss her. I think sometimes it can be harder seeing them before and then they change. It’s something no one talks about as parents of children with Sen are meant to be upbeat and positive. I hate it. It’s not something I’d ever wish for me and I feel dreadful that my kids struggle so much.

Just catching up on the comments. Was too scared to read in case I'd be flamed - which I thought I'd deserved.
It's still sinking in.

You don’t deserve to be flamed at all. I’ve spent today wishing I’d chosen not to have my last child as she’s very challenging. I don’t think parents of most neurotypical kids get it. It’s hard and scary and sad and challenging.

Msqueen

TBH I wish I was surrounded in RL by parents like you? I never ever met not even one parent of Asd kid ! Everywhere around me is nicely put NT kids and mums, where are the real people we need to talk to? I think we'd be mentally better if we had a proper rant with co sufferers near us in RL rather than just forums

Where is everyone from? I'm in the North West x

London x

I’m in North Essex. I think raising kids with Sen is so isolating. I just can’t relate to problems people have with their nt kids. Friend: my child never shuts up Me: my child whose the same age as yours can’t talk. We live in quite a middle class area and there’s about ten kids throughout our primary with Sen. So barely any. It makes things very lonely. So if anyone wants a friend...

My dd is 17 it has recently come to my attention she is not as "normal?" For want of a better description as other children my youngest apparently has pda according to the school with no input from me they have given him a ta so I'm not complaining my middle one has extra needs however the same school can't see it even when it's blinding obvious the teacher sees it sends it up the chain to be told there is nothing wrong that mom disciplining him wouldn't fix 🤔kid has anxiety my fault too because I was in a bad marriage ok any chance of support for him? Nope your fault for having a bad marriage (That ended three years ago)

msqueen yes the comparing with friends' kids is unbearable. I think the worst is when you see a friend's kid who is over a year younger than yours and he's actually preogressing/talking more ! I avoid so many friends now it's just a joke....
And yes I definitely need a friend.... pm'ing you xxx

It sounds like an entirely normal reaction to me. DD1 was diagnosed with ASD when she was 3, the mainstream school which all 4DC attend have been fab with her, I know we are very lucky in this. But she is now falling behind in pretty much everything, but she is happy so I cannot let myself concentrate on the stuff she isn't doing. It kills me when her younger brother (only 19months between them) is overtaking her academically and in sports etc. My low point was when her older brother was diagnosed with ADHD, a month before his 10th birthday, school had queried it when he was 5 but diagnosis wasn't confirmed until he hadn't grown out of his lack of impulse control etc years later. I felt so bad that I'd been effectively trying to discipline the ADHD out of him fro so long, while cutting his sister slack for most things. Now I am paranoid about the 2 younger children - DD2 hates 'scratchy' dressing up dresses, so chooses to wear long sleeve Tshirts under them for example - but she is bright and bubbly and not showing any signs which school are concerned about. I can totally see how working with SEN all day would desensitise you to a point in looking for symptoms at home. Give yourself time to grieve for the children you thought they might be, and in time you will enjoy the people they actually are - delays and all.

It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by it all. I did not take my eldest's ASD dx well at all. To the point they no longer do diagnosis appointments so close to Christmas anymore as it made the clinicians feel so awful! That was 9 years ago, and I know it's true as they told me when my DS3 was referred for an ASD assessment earlier this year. I took that one much better but I do worry for his future too.

Of course you don’t deserve a flaming OP, you’re allowed to grieve for what could have been, what you thought you had.
There’s another thread on here that I found a relief reading
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3068955-Non-fluffy-disability-and-illness-thread-for-those-of-us-who-arent-dont-buy-the-inspirational-rubbish

I remember I used to be so jealous of people with NT kids tbh
I still find it hard reading about all the accomplishments of other people’s kids on Facebook. When my ds was younger I used to take him to a sen playgroup & it was so nice to not be surrounded by competitive parents. Any progress a child made was a cause of celebration. I miss it a lot actually!
I do know quite a lot of parents with ASD kids though, & everyone I know seems to know some as well 🤔 I’m from South Wales

I think it's normal to feel this way. My youngest brother is twelve and has severe cerebral palsy- visually impaired, can't walk, talk or eat and has epilepsy as well as learning difficulties- and sometimes we as a family end up feeling sad not because he was born the way he was- we've accepted that and as a family we're of the idealogy that as long as we have each other we'll manage- but because of what he might have been like had he not been disabled if you get what I mean. I think that's what gets you sometimes, the wondering 'What if'
Sending hugs

Thank you very much MsQueen, aero, auld. I completely understand the "What ifs" "if onlys" my heart breaks for everyone, isolation, fear, guilt, anger, even jealousy are all healthy under the circumstances. My mother used to say that the only "normal" families are the ones that we do not know. I think that everyone feels the way that we do, but we are extreme bc our children have less chance of the typical life that we dream about for them.

I don't have any good words, just wish everyone peace in our hearts and strength to keep up with dc needs. Please, everyone, take a bit of time for yourselves if possible and NO GUILT!

I can relate to so many of the comments on this thread - my DD has CF. I am so tired of feeling upset - it is very wearing and feels ultimately pointless as nothing can change. Life is not how I thought it would be.

Lots of love abby sorry I missed your post.
Thank you all for your comments and sharing your experiences, I feel so bad I'm not replying to you all individually, on my app so can't remember everyone's names.
This week I've been doing a course with work surrounding autism and special needs etc (I'm a disability support worker) and it just seems to be so overwhelming and draining when I thought I'd feel better and more knowledgeable.

I think at the start it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. I wanted to read everything I could on autism. These days now I just think what if. How would life be different if my kids could all go to the same school? If life wasn’t so hard for them. I envy the problems nt people face and worry for the future of my kids.

I think it makes it harder if you not only have to cope with the disability, but you "should" be incessantly bright and upbeat about it. Of course you can bloody well grieve the life you hope for, both yours and theirs.

Yanbu at all. 4 of my 5 children have disabilities. For my older 3 it is a nuisance that they would rather not have but with my youngest it's like he is trapped underneath his disability. He has challenging behaviour and needs to be watched constantly or he will escape, turn the cooker on, flood the bathroom etc. I'm exhausted. Before I had him I was one of those "we wouldn't change them for the world" type of sense parents. Now I'm thinking if there was a cure for my youngest I would be grabbing it with both hands.

I also have a DC with ASD and significant SEN. I think it's completely normal to be angry and sad. And I wish more people would admit it!

I agree we’re all meant to be strong and jolly about it all despite it being heartbreaking

My dd does a few hours at school in the morning as school won’t allow her to do anymore (she has ft 1:1) and she comes home and spends most of the time screaming. Unless attached to her iPad. She’s exhausting and I barely go out with her now. Even the school run is awful for her siblings. It’s like being in a nightmare. I read or watch tv a lot to try and escape as I know I’m trapped in this life for a long long time.