To quietly end contact with friends

[Winter7]

I have made a number of friendships over the years and have come to realise that some have become more out of a duty and I am starting to resent agreeing to meet up. There is no particular reason other than feeling we have less in common and that I am very busy with work/family.

I don't want to be unkind to anyone so generally agree to meet up when asked but this means using up very little free time I have during a week and struggling to see my closest friends and famy at times. I work 4 days a week and have 3 young children so free time is scarce.

AIBU to say I will get in touch when less busy but then not? Should I just say I can't be meeting up as so busy? It feels wrong but I have tried to keep in touch via other, more manageable ways, ie email etc but it quickly leads to let's meet up discussions and I can't manage this really any more.

How do you take a step back from a fairly long term friendship without hurting the other person's feelings?

If the person hasnt directly offended you, but you've simply out grown them, I never see the point of a 'terminal' conversation. Really, eventually, they will get tired of asking you, and you saying no, and those invitations will dwindle away.

I always think, one day, you might need those friends so it is pointless offending them.

How cynical sloe “one way you may need them”

I’ve been on the receiving end of a friend who decided she didn’t have time for me and subsequently dodged all contact and invitations for several months before finally admitting when challenged she didn’t want to be friends with me any more. It was horrible: I suspected she was avoiding me but then I thought maybe I was being paranoid or maybe there was something else wrong in her life that she was struggling with and might need support for. And then when I found out the truth I just felt stupid for caring about our friendship so much when she clearly didn’t.

I wish she’d just been upfront and said “sorry, my life has got really busy and I don’t really have much time for friendships any more, nothing personal and I wish you all the best.”. At least then I’d have known where I stood and not ended up feeling like a complete idiot.

OP, please consider just being honest with your friends. There is nothing unkind about the situation you describe, we all know lives change and people move on. Much better to give them the truth and depart on good terms than slip away leaving them to wonder whether they’ve somehow offended or upset you.