...or is this just rude?

[wheresmycat]

Just spent a fairly harrowing night at DBiL's...he and his wife are always quite hard work and I've really bent over backwards to think the best of them. He's a funny old stick but is kind in his own way and really loves DH so that's fine. Have really, really tried with DSiL but think I might have just cracked.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant. I've seen DBiL recently and he's happy for us. I haven't seen his wife since Christmas. Guess what she had to say to me?

....

Nothing. No 'congratulations', no 'how are you'. We got through the whole evening without either of them alluding to the fact that we were going to have a baby. DBiL made a vague allusion the next day. That's it.

Seriously what the fuck? If I'm clutching at straws I do know they've been trying for a while but it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for us either. I don't expect to be fawned over, and wouldn't be going on about it, but COME ON. When you have guests, you offer them a cup of tea and ask them how they are-that's the absolute bare minimum (tea didn't happen either btw-I eventually went and made my own). When someone's pregnant, and especially if you know they've been through a lot to get there, you say 'congratulations'. Or am I just being an entitled bitch?

[ittakes2]

If she asked how you were - then why didn't you say it then? Maybe she thinks it's odd you didn't mention your pregnancy and considers that you are actively chosen not to talk about it? Some people might not want to invade your privacy.

[Louiselouie0890]

You don't sound close either so maybe she didn't think it was her place or was uncomfortable asking?

[monkeysee100]

I've been on both sides of this. I fell pregnant accidentally not long after my friend had a 12 week miscarriage (the first of many). She avoided me and deleted me off Facebook. We're fine now.

My SIL wanted to do a great big pregnancy announcement over Christmas dinner one year. I was the only family member who didn't know. We were awaiting the results of genetic testing to decide whether to have another child. My DH asked maybe they could do it another time. As it happened she ruined Christmas by sitting in pyjamas in a dark room and leaving loys of clues around anyway- pregnancy vitamins etc.

At the next few family events she and my BIL bickered publically creating an unpleasant atmosphere, and not really conducive to small talk. She was pissed off that we didn't make a big deal over her being pregnant.

We were summoned to the house for a last minute birthday party for my niece (despite SIL being in labour and her DD being autistic so dropping a bithday party which was likely to end with her mother disappearing to hospital). We went over the next day to meet the baby but as I was full of cold I didn't hold the baby. I basically didn't fawn enough for her liking and it led to a falling out.

She loves the attention of announcing the pregnancy/parading a new baby and then passes the majority of child care to others. Her first DD is autistic and shoved off to grandparents several times a week overnight while she writes and blog detailing her saint like devotion.

Long and short is you don't know the circumstances, some people don't feel comfortable for lord of reasons and your pregnancy is about you and your family, not gathering comments.

[JamesBlonde1]

It’s rude.

You talk about something that is a big event for someone. New house purchase, new job, recent operation, upcoming holiday. Really, honestly, having a baby is a big event that you would mention to someone.

I would have expected her to ask how you feel and what your plans for the baby are.

It’s just good manners. I can only think she’s pissed off you’re pregnant.

[Jojofjo44]

I think you sound entitled tbh. You know they have been trying for a while but you don't know details. She may have had 1 or more miscarriages that they haven't chosen to tell anyone about.
Or she just may not like you. Calling this experience 'harrowing' is completely OTT. I think it may be you that's hard work tbh.

[MasterofKittens]

Bluntness, disinterested means impartial, uninterested means not interested x

[northernshepherdess]

16 miscarriages under my belt.
I lost 2, 11.6 and 12.1 before my daughter and 3 before my son... my best pal was 3 days behind me in our preganancies and it was so exciting to be going there together....when I lost mine at 9weeks and by 20 weeks shed pretty much cut me out of her life despite me never bringing it up.
I lost 2 more after that.
they've been trying for a while but it's been no walk in the park for you? she's still going through it... you've crossed the bridge.
you know what happens when they try to talk about it...they cry.
then someone says...she made my pregnancy all about her.
cut her some slack. she'll be dealing with a whole lot right now.
I had my baby in 2016. he's 1. my friend got in touch when he was admitted to hospital in a bad way. she said she was so sorry, she felt ashamed that her pregnancy was so bad and she felt she couldn't say anything because my baby had died. we are closer now than ever.

[reluctantlondoner]

Wow you sound quite entitled. You know they have been trying for a while. Have some sensitivity. It’s fucking awful finding out that other people (especially close family members) are pregnant when you have been TTC for a long time. For all you know she might have suffered from a recent miscarriage that she is still getting over. Try to remember what it felt like when things were difficult for you on the TTC front. She’s probably finding it really hard and didn’t want to talk about it.

[bemusedmoose]

Maybe she isnt able to conceive and cant cope with the whole thing, maybe she had a miscarriage she hasn't mentioned but your pregnancy is difficult for her...

Or she could just be rude but the fact Dbil also avoided it would suggest to me something far deeper than bad social skills.

[FritzDonovan]

I think I'm stung because I've been defending them to the rest of the family-basically saying what the rest of the posters have been saying to me (it's just what they're like and there's nothing you can do about it, so let it go)-and now I'm on the receiving end!
And there we have it. You've said a number of times they are inhospitable and she has always been like she is. You obv didnt address it before, therefore accepted it. But now you're expecting a certain response and didn't get it, its suddenly a problem. How self centered.

[Hornbeamer]

I spent many years trying to conceive and was lucky enough to fall pregnant by ivf and now have a lovely boy. When we were trying it was hard to hear news of pregnancies initially, but I tried to be there for friends and sisters and actually took enormous joy from nieces and nephews. I was pretty sick when pregnant and my family and friends were wonderful, really supportive and it made such a difference. They will be the aunt and uncle of your child, so it is natural that you would want them to show an interest and is disappointing that they did not. I’m sure it is not personal, but it is odd! Congratulations on your pregnancy!

[Littlemissamy]

I think pregnancy can be very difficult for people to deal with sometimes, esievislly wjen you’re TTC.
I had two miscarriages last year and still find other people’s oregnancues incredibly difficult. Some might call me rude, but I don’t want to talk about it.
You don’t know that she’s not had a recent loss, we didn’t tell a soul about our second loss. So when a colleague announce her pregnancy the day after I miscarried, I couldn’t talk to her about it. No congratulations, nothing. Call me childish, jealous, distant, rude, whatever.
Maybe she simply doesn’t want to talk about it.

[Protectingmydaughterfromfilth]

Pengggwyn I so love you and your way with words!! X

[Protectingmydaughterfromfilth]

Just keep your distance OP, or have it out with them. One or the other

[manicmij]

Perhaps she thought you would be fed up with the "how are you and pregnancy" talk aftér all you're not ill
Or maybe the fact she is finding it difficult to conceive makes pregnancy very emotional to speak about.

[TheClaws]

Be gentle. Remember that sometimes, everything is not always about you. Try and look through her eyes - seeing someone who has conceived successfully and obviously, and who clearly wants you to acknowledge the fact - but you have the pain of failing to fall pregnant. At doing something other women find so easy. Here it is, in front of your face.

OP, it would have been nice of her to ask how you were, but it would have been ever nicer if you had simply given her a hug and understood.

[willyougotobed]

You just don't know what others are going through I suppose.

I think generally, it's polite to enquire how other people are, what they're doing, what's going on with their lives.

[Putyourdamnshoeson]

Harrowing?