...or is this just rude?

[wheresmycat]

Just spent a fairly harrowing night at DBiL's...he and his wife are always quite hard work and I've really bent over backwards to think the best of them. He's a funny old stick but is kind in his own way and really loves DH so that's fine. Have really, really tried with DSiL but think I might have just cracked.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant. I've seen DBiL recently and he's happy for us. I haven't seen his wife since Christmas. Guess what she had to say to me?

....

Nothing. No 'congratulations', no 'how are you'. We got through the whole evening without either of them alluding to the fact that we were going to have a baby. DBiL made a vague allusion the next day. That's it.

Seriously what the fuck? If I'm clutching at straws I do know they've been trying for a while but it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for us either. I don't expect to be fawned over, and wouldn't be going on about it, but COME ON. When you have guests, you offer them a cup of tea and ask them how they are-that's the absolute bare minimum (tea didn't happen either btw-I eventually went and made my own). When someone's pregnant, and especially if you know they've been through a lot to get there, you say 'congratulations'. Or am I just being an entitled bitch?

[wheresmycat]

daisypond nope no nothing, incorrect assumption sadly!

[LostSight]

I don’t think this could happen to me because if I wanted someone to comment, I’d start the ball rolling (after I’d asked after them first).

“Did DBIL tell you our news?”

Why didn’t you bring up the subject?

Not saying “How are you?” and offering refreshments when someone comes round is unusual though, but if someone didn’t do those things and they were family, I’d ask for tea or offer to make it myself, or if I felt they were deliberately being offensive, I wouldn’t go back.

Did DBIL or DH offer to make you tea?

[Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar]

Would you really ask someone if they're "excited" about your forthcoming baby? How utterly cringey. It's odd to completely ignore it but it's their prerogative. Why would you try to force a reaction out of anybody?
Nobody will ever care as much about your pregnancy as you do, that's just a simple fact.
At 23 weeks in, the pregnancy will be an established fact, and even anyone who was liable to gush and dance around with delight at the news will surely have levelled off at this point?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'd be really, really sympathetic if I thought she was breaking her heart about her own troubles-and as I knew they were trying I deliberately didn't start talking about it. But I just didn't get that sense from her.

Given that, from what you say, she's socially awkward at the best of times I really don't think it sounds like she'd give off clear signs of her upset. Of course she should have asked how you were - and they definitely should have made you tea! - but I think by far the kindest thing to do would be to chalk it up to their own difficulties and try and forgive. It doesn't sound like you're close so you're not going to have to be around her lots for this to continue upsetting you.

[wheresmycat]

iama and others - I haven't seen or spoken to her since DH told DBiL, which we did quite late with everyone, at around 18 weeks. There's a world of difference between gushing (which I don't expect at all) and a very basic acknowledgement. I met someone for a work meeting the other day, for the first time ever, and they were more polite about it (it came up because we were talking about scheduling). Literally just 'oh, congratulations. So if you won't be around in March maybe we can move this to...'. Totally fine!

As for the tea...yes that really happened. They are generally quite inhospitable, if I list incidents it'll sound petty but it's cumulative.

[wheresmycat]

Yep Lisa I know...you're right she's not a big part of my life and I'm not really upset about it now, just wanted to check I wasn't being completely deranged in thinking it was a bit off.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

No, you're definitely not deranged! I think your OP gave the impression you had been really upset by this and that's why some people thought you were overreacting. If all you're wondering is 'is it me or her?' then you can rest assured it's her - and, as I said, I think the generous thing is to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's sad rather than nasty.

[wheresmycat]

tone comments noted for future ref thanks

[catboygeckoandowlett]

With pregnancy I always take the mums lead. I don't tend to mention it unless they do as people have been known to miscarry etc.. and the last thing I'd want is to be all excited for the mum when yesterday she miscarried. If mum mentions being pregnant but not much more I don't say much more either - some mums are nervous, don't want the hype, would rather forget it etc...

However, if mum is excited, talks a lot about baby (but this doesn't sound like you OP), then I'd definitely also show excitement! I love babies and get very excited for pregnant friends when I know it's ok for me to do so!

If you want excitement and congrats, then show you are excited! Talk about baby! Don't stop gleaming!

[Bluntness100]

Harrowing means acutely distressing.

You’ve a number of options

Either she’s forgotten
She’s totally disinterested
She’s struggling with her own infertility
She might not want to have raised it unless you did.

I’m not sure I’d have found it distressing, never mind acutely so, a little weird, but if I wanted to talk about it, I’d just have said “so you know I’m pregnant then, due in x”.

[Ohyesiam]

They have no manners, but you really need to not let it get to you.
Once you are showing, people will think you are public property, and not let you alone.

[stonecircle]

Why are people having a go at the op for using the word ‘harrowing’? Nothing wrong with a bit of hyperbole, especially
in casual speech.

I’ve recently told people a day at work last week was a ‘complete disaster’. Of course it wasn’t literally. Just a lot of things went wrong, but nobody died, was injured or deprived of anything significant.

My feet are killing me
My dog’s a complete nightmare
It’s freezing in my bedroom etc etc

• all things I might say, but none of them are literally true.

[wheresmycat]

Ohyes you're right, I've actually found these replies to be really useful. I think I'm stung because I've been defending them to the rest of the family-basically saying what the rest of the posters have been saying to me (it's just what they're like and there's nothing you can do about it, so let it go)-and now I'm on the receiving end!

[Skyechasemarshalsfanmum]

Tbh shes probably not realised she hasnt.

About drinks or snacks we do not offer to our siblings or parents and theu do not to us. We all help ourselfs (i do ask if its a snack etc) at each others houses as thats the way its always been.
Would be different if one was making tea of coffee as then they'd ask the room if they would like one there and then.

[HeebieJeebies456]

Would you really ask someone if they're "excited" about your forthcoming baby? How utterly cringey

We're not talking about some randomer here - we're talking siblings/immediate family......
What planet do some of you live on?

[londonrach]

I dont say congratulations on any pregnancy now to people i know (id say on mn for example) until baby is safely here. Ive got a friend whos 24 weeks now and im keeping my fingers sooo tightly crossed and its the most shes gone. Congratulations are for when he or she is born. It could be this op or it could be she struggling to get pregnant, dont take it to heart. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy xxx

[stonecircle]

London - you don’t have to say congratulations, but you can acknowledge the pregnancy by, for example, asking mum how she’s feeling.

[Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar]

Same planet as you, Heebie . But really, if someone is studiously avoiding the subject they obviously have reason to do so.
Demanding they admit to feeling excitement is^ cringey.
They may well not actually feel very much at all, especially if you're not all that close, and op certainly doesn't appear to have a particularly close relationship with these people?
It's a little bit like pirouetting round in your new dress and expecting the whole room to deliver their verdict. Most people don't give a toss.

[Chrisinthemorning]

When I was desperately ttc, I would avoid pregnant people by making a polite excuse not to socialise- sorry we are busy etc. I certainly wouldn’t have mentioned it if I had to see them, I would probably have cried. It was totally my issue and I did have lots of counselling and eventually got over it. It is normal if in the midst of infertility though.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Enjoy and don’t worry about them, just feel sympathy that they are obviously struggling. They would be better being upfront- send a message saying they are struggling with infertility and can’t really deal with baby talk, however they are happy for you (lie!) and will enjoy a catch up about other stuff.
If however it isn’t to do with infertility they are a bit odd/ rude - ignore and concentrate on your baby.

[questionbasket]

A lot of the time you can't win with pregnant women. Forums are full of pissed off mothers to be complaining about being offended or asking for 'comebacks' for common pregnancy-related conversation starters such as 'ohh not long now' ,'bump's coming along nicely', 'you're carrying nearly' etc, ect. I always took them in good spirit, because, really, what else is there to say? But you wouldn't believe how badly they're taken by most so this woman might have been trying to avoid upset, or may not feel comfortable talking about something so personal to you.
I'm glad that no one made reference to my pregnancies (by the third congratulations' are very hard to come by), I'd have felt awkward giving truthful responses, reeling off endless ailments while the other person feigned interest, as really no one else is bothered.

[questionbasket]

Carrying neatly*

[MatildaTheCat]

Well she’s certainly socially awkward, as is BIL. And she’s been trying for quite a while to conceive. Which means she’s very unlikely to have the skills to deal with your pregnancy and ignoring it was their only option.

Be kind, she may have started her period that morning and collapsed in floods of tears the minute you left. You are the lucky one so be generous here. And don’t get your hopes up for any cards, gifts and excited visits when your baby arrives.

Congratulations from me, though.

[Hissy]

Well at least now you have an excuse not to go there anymore seeing as you were made to feel so spectacularly unwelcome.

Of and when you see your dB again, mention to him that whatever issues he’s got going on, there’s no reason to be so inhospitable, but at least you know where you stand, and it’s good to know sooner rather than later so you’re not hurt in future.

Some people are utter selfish wankers op, some blokes are fucking clueless, some women are seriously bitter and pathetic. Sounds like they are ideally suited, and there’s now no reason to make any kind of effort for them in future.

[Dieu]

Very odd, OP. YANBU.
And congrats!

[Louiselouie0890]

I'm lost. She ignored your pregnancy announcement or just didnt ask how you were?