...or is this just rude?

[wheresmycat]

Just spent a fairly harrowing night at DBiL's...he and his wife are always quite hard work and I've really bent over backwards to think the best of them. He's a funny old stick but is kind in his own way and really loves DH so that's fine. Have really, really tried with DSiL but think I might have just cracked.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant. I've seen DBiL recently and he's happy for us. I haven't seen his wife since Christmas. Guess what she had to say to me?

....

Nothing. No 'congratulations', no 'how are you'. We got through the whole evening without either of them alluding to the fact that we were going to have a baby. DBiL made a vague allusion the next day. That's it.

Seriously what the fuck? If I'm clutching at straws I do know they've been trying for a while but it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for us either. I don't expect to be fawned over, and wouldn't be going on about it, but COME ON. When you have guests, you offer them a cup of tea and ask them how they are-that's the absolute bare minimum (tea didn't happen either btw-I eventually went and made my own). When someone's pregnant, and especially if you know they've been through a lot to get there, you say 'congratulations'. Or am I just being an entitled bitch?

[DenPerry]

Sorry forgot to add.. People are who they are.. my brother/SIL and I get on really well but they haven’t visited my baby yet and he’s 9 months old, they live 15 mins away. They’re just not visiting people and they lost a baby 20 years ago when she was two weeks old. It hurts but I get it. People are who they are, the trick is to not let it bother you.

[MardAsSnails]

Can I be honest? It's possibly almost 3 months since you told people (assuming around 12 weeks, so not far off that again since you told people). She may not have realized she'd not seen you since.

I wouldn't necessarily bring up someone else's pregnancy in a conversation. It'd either not cross my mind to raise it first, or if it did and as the conversation went on and I realized you or your DH hadn't mentioned it, id be wondering if there was a reason why you weren't mentioning it and therefore steer clear.

I've had friends who have had horrendous times during pregnancy with excessive sickness, threatened miscarriage, sad results from testing etc and therefore on the basis that you never know what's going on, I wouldn't raise it first. And also friends who are so fed up to the back teeth of all conversations being centered around pregnancy and babies that they're fed up to the back teeth of it and want to discuss anything and everything else.

I would have asked a general 'how are you doing' though. And made a brew - I thought that was the rules of letting someone in your front door?

[Mehfruittea]

Awwlook I don’t mean this in a floating way. To deliberately ignore and show disdain for my son is something very different from lacking social awareness and platitudes. I don’t know what goes on with her, she refuses to be in the same room as me.

I’m happy with my life. It took a bloody lot to get pregnant. I can’t have another child. I became disabled. If I didn’t have a baby I would not have my disability now. I’m happy, not gloating.

During the 5 yrs it took me to get pregnant I had many people close to me have baby’s and abortions in equal measure. I was happy for each person, who were happy for their own decisions. Genuinely.

[HateHomework]

Is this your first child?

Are you serious? What does this have to do with being civil?? She doesn't have to jump up and down and start dancing the Pow Wow Indian dance but wtf can't she just acknowledge a family members pregnancy after nearly a year of not seeing her?

OP she's jealous, understandable in a way, so fuck it move on... and congrats!

[TheStoic]

she's not racist

High praise indeed.

[TheStoic]

Are you serious? What does this have to do with being civil?

Take your time, it’ll come to you.

[FritzDonovan]

If she's always been like this, as you say, i don't know why you are all of a sudden offended now. She prob already knows her dh has passed on congratulations so doesn't feel it necessary to repeat in person. She might not give two hoots whether you're pregnant or not. Not in a nasty way, but its just not that important to ne at the forefront of her mind. Come back for another moan if she doesn't acknowledge baby in any way after the birth, but i think you'll find she will, when its more tangible and 'real' to her.
I'd be really, really sympathetic if I thought she was breaking her heart about her own troubles-and as I knew they were trying I deliberately didn't start talking about it. But I just didn't get that sense from her.
Some ppl can hide it well, you know. The fact that she's not excited about you being pregnant while trying for her own would lead me to believe she's possibly struggling with it on some level. She's not going to come out and say that to you though, is she? Tbh, this update makes you sound more unreasonable, not her.

[HateHomework]

Take your time, it’ll come to you.

[WildBluebelles]

Hmmmm. Maybe it just didn't come up. You could have dropped it into conversation if you wanted to talk about it though. Also, presumably she has known you are pregnant for a while, even if she has not seen you so it wasn't brand new news to her.

I saw a friend once who was 6 months pg but I had known for ages because our other friend had told me. But I didn't directly congratulate my friend because I thought it seemed unnecessary so far along in the pregnancy- it wasn't like she had just found out. Thinking back though, I wonder if it was harrowing for her that I didn't. Pretty sure I asked how she was though...

I would probably leave it, especially as she may have problems ttc herself and might be finding it hard to put on a brave face.

[wheresmycat]

I feel like now I'm trending I should derail my own thread and ask whether anyone has feelings about F+B Brassica...it's really lovely to me but my teenage bedroom was purple...

[lljkk]

It's quite nice to be treated as ordinary person in your own right & not as primarily an incubator. Nice that the incubating function doesn't have to dominate social interaction. I'm in the YABU camp, sorry.

[Linnie444]

I really do sympathise them if they are struggling for baby . But not even asking how you are? . That is what I would call rude and crass.

[wheresmycat]

lljkk yeah it would have been nice to be treated like that but that's not what I got either.

[Tara336]

Some people have no manners sadly. I'm watching my niece being brought up same way. I did point out to sil that would be lovely to be thanked for the birthday gifts, treats and Christmas presents I buy for her... her response was "oh the little moo not saying Thankyou" well no she won't because your not making sure she does, it's called parenting my love 🙄

[DN4GeekinDerby]

It does feel rude, and if it's really bugging you maybe talk to one of the family members that knows her better about it as she may not have thought about it. If she's "always like this", could it be a cultural/family difference? To some, it would be rude to bring things up unless the other person did first with the thought that it's their business and if they wanted others to know in more detail or such, they'd talk about it without being pushed to do so.

If she hasn't done it before, should she really change tact because you're pregnant? I've had more than one pregnant women tell me they're tired of everyone who wasn't' concerned before asking all the time and treating them differently.

With my pregnancies there was a bit of clash between my spouse and I because he and his family wanted to know and talk about it as soon as there was a positive test whereas I didn't, I waited as long as possible and generally didn't want congratulations until the babies were born well. I found most of the conversations around it, particularly with my body and what I should be feeling or doing or planning, really horrible especially with my first. I was grateful to friends and colleagues who talked about anything else.

[stonecircle]

You are being seriously precious first born OP (can't believe someone had to ask if this was your first

Are you serious Crunchy?!

Surely when you invite a friend or relative, round you follow some basic levels of courtesy -

Ask them how they are
Ask them about anything you know has been happening in their life (pregnancy, new job, new partner, illness etc)
Offer them some refreshments

What on earth is precious about expecting that? It doesn’t matter if they’re struggling to conceive or have been told they can never have children, surely she could manage a quick, ‘hope the pregnancy’s going well’ even if she then swiftly changes the subject.

[HeebieJeebies456]

She might be really, really struggling to accept the news that you're pregnant, if they've been trying for a while.

Hard as she might find it due to her own issues, the world doesn't revolve around sil, she isn't the only person in the world with feelings.
It won't kill her to be polite and courteous and it's not asking/expecting 'too much' of her.

You can bet if/when she gets pregnant she will want it to be acknowledged and be congratulated......otherwise she'll be taking offense and have something to say about it!

OP, she sounds like a rude and ignorant cow so don't pussyfoot around her.
Next time you're at bil's start the conversation yourself - ask bil if he's excited/looking forward to becoming an uncle.

[wheresmycat]

Tara yeah I really think this is what all this comes down to, all the rest aside. Good manners matter! I never thought I was much of a stickler but the older I get...

DC to be fingers crossed we get that far will have thank-you cards coming out of its ears . First time DH came to visit my parents he sent them a thank-you-for-having-me-to-stay note. What a gem.

[TheStoic]

ask bil if he's excited/looking forward to becoming an uncle.

Oh please do, and then report back here.

[wheresmycat]

Good to hear that stonecircle, that's what I think is normal as well! I might just give her your list (tongue is in cheek here).

[flumpybear]

I’d put money on the fact they’re struggling - and when it’s family or good friends around you who have fallen pregnant it gets really hard, perhaps talk to her and tell her how it was hard for you to get pregnant and see if she needs someone to bounce experience off of (if this is the problem of course lol!)

[daisypond]

Unless you know them very well - and it seems you don't - I don't think it's that off for them not to mention it. Maybe they were waiting for you to bring it up? Pregnancy is a personal thing - it's your body and it's not in the public domain. I assume they said congratulations when you announced the pregnancy.

[Witchend]

Next time you're at bil's start the conversation yourself - ask bil if he's excited/looking forward to becoming an uncle I did laugh at that. Unless you are very close and seeing a lot of each other, which you clearly aren't, it isn't really going to effect him much, so you wouldn't really expect him to be excited.
I think if I'd asked my dc's potential uncles that then three would have looked at me with a and the fourth would have gone into a long monologue about how wonderful an uncle he would be. Guess who my dc would vote as the most useless uncle?

It may be she's struggling to conceive, but the most likely explanation is that actually she isn't that interested in babies. A lot of people aren't.
If she doesn't generally ask "how are you?" (and tbh how many people actually ask that question and are interested enough in the answer if it isn't "fine, how are you"?) then I doubt it would have occurred to her to ask now.

[NoKidsTwoCats]

I'd be more pissed off at not being offered tea tbh. What kind of savages are they?!

[greendale17]

Maybe it's just not a big deal for her? Other people's pregnancies are not that interesting.

I don’t see how you can ignore the fact that a member of your family is pregnant???