...or is this just rude?

[wheresmycat]

Just spent a fairly harrowing night at DBiL's...he and his wife are always quite hard work and I've really bent over backwards to think the best of them. He's a funny old stick but is kind in his own way and really loves DH so that's fine. Have really, really tried with DSiL but think I might have just cracked.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant. I've seen DBiL recently and he's happy for us. I haven't seen his wife since Christmas. Guess what she had to say to me?

....

Nothing. No 'congratulations', no 'how are you'. We got through the whole evening without either of them alluding to the fact that we were going to have a baby. DBiL made a vague allusion the next day. That's it.

Seriously what the fuck? If I'm clutching at straws I do know they've been trying for a while but it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for us either. I don't expect to be fawned over, and wouldn't be going on about it, but COME ON. When you have guests, you offer them a cup of tea and ask them how they are-that's the absolute bare minimum (tea didn't happen either btw-I eventually went and made my own). When someone's pregnant, and especially if you know they've been through a lot to get there, you say 'congratulations'. Or am I just being an entitled bitch?

[wheresmycat]

Crunchymum literally anyone but relatives and I wouldn't care a fig.

[CoffeeBreakIn5]

She was rude, struggling or not it is not polite to ignore someone's news! We had similar, it wasn't great and the relationship between us has never really recovered. The relative actually has 2 children now and pretends as if there was never an issue, I'd never bring it up as obviously things had affected her but her behaviour is always in my mind when I think of family gatherings and baby DS.

[wheresmycat]

yep iamgrey

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Does she have children of her own.
Could be natural jealousy.
Also there's no comandent that says
Thou must jump up do a merry dance and star jumps over every pregnancy announcement. She just may not be interested and she doesn't have to be.
It hasnt changed her life has it

[wheresmycat]

Hahah ok thanks, I'm relatively new... and promise not to be 'offended' by anything else

[Appuskidu]

You went round there and weren’t offered a drink and had to make your own? Did they actually invite you round?

[expatinscotland]

I think you'll need to just get over it and let this go.

[wheresmycat]

Appuskidu yes of course we were invited!

[ShoesHaveSouls]

I would think she probably wants to be pregnant herself, and isn't - or she just doesn't want children and so hates talking pregnancy/babies?

Very unreasonable of them both not to offer you a cup of tea though. That's a crime in my family/social circle. The very first thing we do is get the kettle on

[wheresmycat]

Ah people are really freaking out about 'harrowing'... it was meant to be a sort of tongue-in cheek exaggeration but obviously the tone was lost.

[Elephant17]

Crunchy, what is 'precious first born' about expecting people to have basic manners?

[wheresmycat]

oh yes expatin I know...it's just I've been holding off thinking about her like this, really really tried to see the positives (errrr...DBiL seems to like her and she's not racist), but will find that a bit trickier now. But you're right, I mean whatever really, she's not a huge part of my life.

[SleepFreeZone]

I would guess she just didn't want to open the flood gates. It's very easy to talk pregnancy for ages which is a total nightmare for those of us who can't conceive or have had lots of miscarriages or both.

[Mehfruittea]

My SIL hates me and never really understood why exactly. I had 2 rounds of IVF and when we announced I was pregnant she didn’t congratulate me or us. When DS was born she refused to hold him and in 6 years has never liked or commented on a Facebook post or pic of him. Do I give a shit? Not really. I can’t imagine what hurt and hate is consuming her to be so deliberate and consistent. She’s not happy. I am.

Move on and be happy. Congratulations.

[wheresmycat]

Yep shoes the cuppa has equal weighting imho!

[Belleoftheball8]

Is sounds like she’s introverted when you describe your DMil interactions I wouldn’t over think things and may also be struggling with her wanting to conceive aswell.

[DenPerry]

Even if they’ve been struggling, it’s weird not to say anything.. along with the tea thing it sounds like they have bad social skills and manners. Don’t think about it anymore!

[LockedOutOfMN]

What 2017RedBlue said. Congratulations from me.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

"She's not happy, I am."

That sounds like very gloaty, and I'm alright Jack attitude, though.
You must know what its like to be In
despair due to your IVF.
How do you know shes not going through the same thing, but her day hasn't came. Not everyone tells people

[mummyhaschangedhername]

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it’s not all about you. Granted it would be nice if she made a fuss because this is an exciting time for you. But you haven’t answered any questions about their situation and my first instinct would be they are having major issues themselves, so no, I wouldn’t expect it in that case. I had lots of close friends who never wishes me congratulations because they were struggling themselves. I don’t have much in the way of extended family so not really had those issues, but I have had family react negatively to my news and while it may hurt, I understood their reasons.

People don’t think the same, if she is struggling herself or even if she just wants another or wants her first and they are not ready, it can hurt to see someone get what you can’t. Don’t get me wrong, that is a poor attitude, it’s not like you being pregnant is taking away from them, but even those most rationale of people can hurt especially when it comes to babies. It may even be she doesn’t know what to say, perhaps she doesn’t like babies. I had a close friend who revised to hold my baby. I wasn’t offended in the slightest.

It’s not all about you or yours baby, although I appreciate it probably feels like the most amazing and important thing in your life, it isn’t in hers. It would be nice for her to say congratulations but I really don’t think you should be offended that she didn’t. But each to their own.

[BubblegumFactory]

My DB and ExSIL were like this- when we would meet up (seldom) at DF’s house, they would often just walk in and not even say hello. Rare occasions we’d drop by their house, never a warm greeting, had to ask for a drink after an hour of sitting there making small talk. Always felt hated by the exSIL, still have no idea what we ever did wrong. I actually don’t think we did do anything wrong, but she clearly did not feel comfortable in our company. Her loss!!!

[Yeeeha]

I don’t think I have ever congratulated someone on being pregnant.

I work on the basis they are probably sick to death of everyone going on about it and it dictating every conversation they ever have, and on the basis that since they are grown ups if they do want to talk about it they will raise it themselves.