To feel like cutting ties with friend

[eveteen]

Long long friendship since mums and tots . We have been through a lot together and i love her and her 3 children dearly. Her eldest dd has just gone to uni leaving her with 2 DSs. 15 and 16 . She had always been a bit erratic but a great mum. Last few years she has been a bit restless - tried setting up a business, got hooked up with a bloke she met abroad and keeps going off to visit, falling out with ex etc . Business didn’t take off but I was able to employ her in a well paid admin role. She started in Jan . Doing well . The job pays 20k and I am very flexible with her . Her relationship with her sons is a bit volatile- I help out where I can (my DH Has taken the eldest on as an apprentice) . Youngest is thrown out of school so doing a college Btec type thing (not attending much). I come back from holiday today and find out she had handed in her notice to go travelling and find herself . Wants to teach DSs a lesson!! Says they will have to go to there fathers ( he says no! He lives about 20 miles away with a new family) . I talked to her about getting family therapy or something but she won’t . Says the boys are disrespectful and abusive so she’s off . Flights booked goes in a month . Don’t know how to respond to her but I just feel that she will never fix her relationship with her boys if she goes away . We had a shouting match today. Do I just step away or support her?????

It sounds like a massive scream for help, doesn't it. I can understand why you're not just walking away. [and, like others, I feel the damage she could do to her sons and their future relationship with her could be longlasting and horrendous beyond this trip].

But I don't think her "scream" is directed at you. It's just that you're the person hearing it at the moment.

I can't help but wonder if she's hoping you'll be a last resort for her boys?

You could threaten to contact SS.

But this isn't your fight/breakdown. It's hers (and her family).

Worth talking to her boys maybe?

Keepserving I have thought about speaking to the boys directly - I have been keeping a gentle contact up to now- checking in and general “how are you”. I love them v much but am wary of overstepping. I can’t take them in as I have a full home (DH would not be over keen either)

I think its well past being worried about overstepping. These boys need to know that there is someone who is going to help them. Even if you can't take them in there is lots you can do to help them. Oh my heart is breaking for them.

I really feel for you eve. This must be a horrendous thing for you to be witnessing. Try and keep in mind this isn't your problem, and you're not responsible for solving it.

I am going to contact the boys and ask if they are ok and let them know I am available to talk to . Her flights are booked for the 1st week in December , I am beginning to feel so angry towards her so I need to sleep on it (or try to). Thanks everyone for your thoughts and insight.

Did she get the family home as a divorce settlement? Seems unfair on the boys to lose their family home at 15 and 16.

I couldn't support someone who was abandoning her children and that is what a 15 and 16 year old are.
She is selfish and doesn't deserve to be pitied.

Hopefully their dad steps up. What’s his excuse for not having them?

If he doesn’t, and you really are concerned for their welfare, it might have to be you opening your home, OP.

I'm trying to work out how this is going to happen.

Is she going to push the boys out of the door when she's leaving for the airport? Because if their dad is absolutely adamant he's not having them, and they have nowhere to go by the morning of her flight, is she still going to leave?

It's ridiculous that she literally has to leave the country and sell her house in order to get their dad to step up. He is the one that could de-escalate this by offering to have and care for his own children. I find it difficult to vilify your friend in this scenario. Perhaps she is at the end of her tether - I can't imagine raising three boys alone has been very easy.

So she is leaving them now she is not getting child support and government tax credits for them?

Poor kids.

I can't believe any mother would do that.

And yes as Motoko says what will,she do if her X won't take them? She sounds unhinged.

Yanbu to step back from the friendship a little - not break it off entirely but you can say that you think she is making a mistake but you respect her right to make it and won't try to stop her or persuade her not to go but will not be actively supportive of her leaving either.

Tbf she clearly has a very disfunctional and probably violent relationship with her sons anyway so even if she stayed it would only be a good thing if combined with some serious family therapy.

Those poor boys are going to need a lot of help wherever they end up living. Sounds like they have had 15/16 years of being taught that in relationships the person with most physical strength sets the rules and violence is an appropriate action when you are disappointed. They could go seriously off the rails and end up in prison with that kind of attitude combined with being abandoned.

I know you can't taken them in yourself but please do what you can to stay in their lives and be a sane grownup on their side. Perhaps see if you can help them get counseling of some kind?

I had a long term friend like this. Left everything. When she finally run out of money and the new toy boy ran off with another old lady to bleed dry she came home. I say home. She had no home. Was given a council house as she told them she was homeless. Technically she was but told them she had her two kids, which she didn't. They don't see her. So at the grand old age of 50 she has no job, No house or savings, no contact with her friends or family and sadly when she text me like everything was all ok and normal I had to say goodbye to her. 30 year friendship.

She's been smacking her teenage kids? Not surprising they want to smack her back what a dysfunctional mess.
Legally she can just fuck off as long as she has made arrangements for them to be cared for and if she's left the country nobody will be pursuing her anyway, but morally she's a total twat.
Why won't their father have them though?

The children have their dad. I think she deserves a break! She's held it together for years. Be nice to her shes obviously reached the end and truly had enough.

Alot of people are left in this situation, my Mum had to raise two children from when we were 8 and 10 without considerable help from my Dad. I don't recall her resorting to violence or abandoning us as she'd got bored!

That should read 'A lot' not 'Alot'.

She's obviously at breaking point to do this. Poor woman. It would be nice if their fathers did step up and give her some breathing space. Its only the 15yo to be considered and SS wont care as there are other family to step in.

I'll be honest OP - you sound over involved in her life, a bit "lady Bountiful" and trying to fix all her problems. What she does is actually none of your business, you are massively overstepping the boundaries with the employer/employee relationship.

The Op is bound to be concerned. If this woman has hit them all her life, these poor boys must be bearing the brunt of what sounds like an adult that takes no responsibility for the chaos that has ensued. That is not their fault, maybe the Op has tried to help her see this as she felt sorry for these children.

Comments that I may be over involved in her life are probably true. There have been several times over the years that I have very nearly just walked away. She had a very difficult upbringing and i was always proud of how she cooed with it and remained positive. If I became a “bountiful friend “ it wasn’t intentional. However we are where are - she’s off.
You are right that the ex should have done more to help (although his relationship with them is not too bad- they go camping, hiking etc) . He will have to the kids but the younger one will most likely end up staying locally with ex mil as otherwise he will not get to college (gcse year).
She is very wilful and I don’t see trying to stop her as an option.
The home she bought was out of divorce proceeds but she has remortgaged a couple of times to fund her business and holidays etc . I can really feel myself getting bitchy now. If I throw some of what I really think considering her actions over the last 3 years there will be no going back

I don't think her children will ever truly forgive her for this. She is ripping the carpet of security right out from under them. No mum and no home. She is really going to regret it.

She is really going to regret it.

Hopefully. Hopefully the kids never speak to her again, and any kids they go on to have in the future are never exposed to her, that's what I would do.

Friendship and all contact with friend would be over; would inform social services and the boys’ school/college, and offer a listening ear to the boys.