Christmas, newborn, MIL...

[gilson]

A very boring Christmas + newborn one! I'm getting upset, in my current hormonal state. I'll try to keep it short.

I am due to have DC4 mid-December. DCs1 to 3 are all under 6 ( I know...). For the last few Christmases we have alternated except last year we spent what should have been my parents' turn with my PILs as last year we moved 'away' (= from around the corner from them to 45 minutes away) and, at my suggestion, I felt MIL would like us there and would like the gesture of an extra year with her at Christmas. I don't know if she ever realised this but felt we should offer and we did it. Have always done what she would like and put her first.

Christmas is a big deal for my MIL in that she has never worked but always cooked and hosted and comes from a Mediterranean culture that places great importance on family get-togethers and on top of which is very anxious about family harmony (not for any factual reason, she just dreads things not being harmonious and her biggest fear, self-confessed, is that her children or family won't see each other once she is dead... she is only 69).

So in my opinion for all of these reasons any kind of home hosting situation takes on a hugely disproportionate importance to her.
That sounds mean but don't know how else to put it.

She has even referred to Christmas Day and Boxing Day as "my day": when some rare tension emerged a couple of years ago over something tiny she said "don't ruin my day"...

So this year it is definitely my parents' 'turn'. They live near us. My MIL gets that it is their turn. But wants us to visit her at her house "within the few days" after Christmas so that her brother and his family (3 sons in their 20s, all still living at home) can meet the baby.
And so that she can cook big meal etc. I've suggested they come to us, 45 minutes away. I've been told "but you know they don't like to leave XXXXXX (sleepy suburb of Hertfordshire/north London)". I know this is true. They are all lively professionals but in many ways quite insular. They too come from a particular background with regard to family and so forth. I have to say I don't even think the sons would care, it is all projection from my MIL because she is so desperately worried about causing offence, always and at every turn.

So... they won't leave but I am expected to? Dragging three young children, newborn and that's even if I am not sore/having other postnatal issues etc etc.

The problem too that she won't let my FIL drive - he has been diagnosed with mild memory loss and is still allowed to drive but she won't let him - yet does not like driving herself (hates motorways). So all of this makes it difficult for them to come to see us. They could afford a taxi ten times over but won't take one.

The only thing that is making me ask this question and hesitate about whether IABU is that she is on ongoing treatment that gives her pain and fatigue and I do understand that it makes her more tired than usual, I really do.

The funny thing is that several of my friends think I should be much more My Way or the Highway and not even let people visit us much but I am not even considering that! I do want to keep her happy but need to put myself and my baby/family first this time.

(My parents on the other hand while definitely not perfect are completely cool about Christmas and wouldn't even mind if we said we were off to cocktail in the Caribbean (if only!) and weren't seeing them until January.)

Splinterz, of course I have considered and spoken to DH. He would rather stay at home. Am leaving it to him to discuss with MIL.

Actually disagree about hard to turf out visitors - in my experience they are always courteous enough to leave after a few hours with new baby or earlier. I've never minded people staying for a couple hours visiting a newborn, no need to do this thing where you only stay a short while.

MIL's is as I said packed with people, have to get there by 11am on a deadline and can't leave till 7.30/8pm for bedtime. Otherwise I'd agree it can be easier to be at someone else's in such circs. But not if the place or host is full of tension and demands, it's all completely on someone else's terms and you have a 10 day old.

I think I was also annoyed that her brother, his wife and 3 adult sons weren't expected to leave where they live but we were.
Anyway, thanks for all the advice!

Thanks Pickachew.
Splinterz, of course I count them as immediate family. As much as my own. Where did I say I didn't? The fact that I was happy to forego Christmas with my own family last year in order to offer MIL an 'extra'(for want of a better word) Christmas last year proves this.

Asking them to visit us (whether they take a taxi or even if my husband drives to collect them as we have offered) when I will have at most a two week old and 3 other young children is hardly "totally excluding" them, is it?! Or "horrendous"?!
You're talking about a totally different MIL situation which this is not.

Incidentally they (she) drive/s elsewhere (e.g. on holiday from London to Norfolk last week) all the time, so they don't dislike driving that much. And we've invited them to come any day they wish. It's pretty simple.

For goodness sakes splinterz. If I had rearranged the previous year to prioritise mil and this year wanted a relaxing christmas at my own parents who are close by and no effort with my 4dc, one of whom is a newborn, and have invited mil around to mine instead, I would be pretty pissed off at people suggesting poor mils never get a break. The op has parents , or her dhs pil. It's their turn for Christmas. Add in baby and it's a no brainer.

I'd tell her it's too soon to make any plans. Due mid December, your baby could be 4 weeks old by Christmas, or you could be in the process of giving birth! I reckon you'll either need to decline ( if she wants a definite commitment) or say you'll have to wait and see.
And you don't have to turn up at 11, you could arrive just before lunch and leave shortly after, it really depends on how you and the baby are on the day, which you can't predict.
It would be perfectly in order to do a short visit, on grounds of new baby, exhaustion etc, and she would be vv unreasonable not to understand that.

Splinterz stop with the pearl clutching (and misplaced z). OP is talking about MIL being overbearing FROM FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE.

Back in the box pick - you're wearisome as you know neither the Op, her Mil, myself or Uncle Tom Cobbley.

Dig your heels in over this one. They are totally unreasonable to expect you to travel with new baby and other DC's so the rest of the family don't have to travel. Sorry you won't be doing it this year. End of. I think I'd send DP with three children to visit your MIL and you stay at home with the baby. If they want to see the baby they can visit you for an hour or two. No catering and meals for 20 folk. Are they mad.

Really, Splinterz?

You seem awfully invested, here.

I say don't make a problem where there isn't one, and by that I mean don't make this a subject of debate. You have 3 very young children, plus a newborn, and you will still be recovering from childbirth. Therefore, you WILL NOT be traveling anywhere. Not for 25 minutes away or 45 minutes away. End of story, no more discussion. Your MIL will get over it, and if she is upset or offended, that is entirely her fault and her problem. For her to think you'll be in any position to travel is utterly absurd.

If you are able to leave the house for Xmas for your own parents then it cant be that hard to leave for your DPs parents. If you dont want to do the full day thing then say so but if one side gets your effort then the other should as well.

With a newborn, my family would expect and agree with me being at home in my own house! If its your parents 'turn' and they are prepared to do it, than that is where your second choice is. If you are due the babs in mid december, can your inlaws be told when labour starts and allow them into the room after little babs is born so they feel part of it. Arrange a new year visit (though I strongly feel in the first 3 months of a baby, people should be make the effort to come to you). You have to start your own tradition.

But surely if you are travelling to your own Mums you can do the same for your DHs Mum?

But they're only travelling 15 minutes to op's mums, which is much easier especially if they need to pop home quickly for some reason, e.g. leaving early if one of the children becomes ill. Whereas mil lives 45 minutes away, so that's an hour extra travelling in total, and with four dcs it's not quite as simple as the two 15 minute journeys. Plus they'd probably have to leave at 10 at the latest to get there and may not get back home till 9 so that's almost 12 hours away from home. Sounds exhausting if you ask me!

Insisting that you bring a brand-new baby and three young children to a nine-hour party and dinner for 30 is too much - just tell them it's impossible.

It would be kind of you to compromise by saying you will go to them in the new year when there's less of a crowd, but inviting them to yours instead just for once seems fine too. You don't have to comply with a plan that makes no sense, especially since you've offered a reasonable alternative.

‘I say don't make a problem where there isn't one, and by that I mean don't make this a subject of debate. You have 3 very young children, plus a newborn, and you will still be recovering from childbirth. Therefore, you WILL NOT be traveling anywhere. Not for 25 minutes away or 45 minutes away. End of story, no more discussion. Your MIL will get over it, and if she is upset or offended, that is entirely her fault and her problem. For her to think you'll be in any position to travel is utterly absurd’

I agree with this wholeheartedly, however I’m literally in the same situation as you (only due at Christmas) and I’ve yet to attempt this battle with MIL who will no doubt take great offence.

OP you sound extremely reasonable and considerate. I think she is very lucky to have to have a DIL like you. But please, prioritise your own feelings this year over your MILs. You’ll have such a young baby, you’ll be physically recovering. You can do without extra stress of travelling. Stay where you are comfortable and tell your DH to let them know they are welcome to come to you.

Don’t your dcs want to be at home for Christmas?

Op, you don’t ‘owe’ your mil or your parents anything. You do what you want and what is best for you and your tiddlers at Christmas. And any time actually.

It sounds to me like you’re trying to please everyone and you sound very considerate but this year, just give yourself a break.

Your mil had an ‘extra’ year of Christmas last year so that should be enough for her.

I would be terribly upset if I knew my dcs and their spouses were having to think like this every Christmas. I’ll have to say to them that they must do exactly as they please.

If it were me, I would speak to MIL and agree on “hope for the best plan for the worst” basis. If baby comes early, is a good feeder, good sleeper, you don’t have any issues at birth etc, then it’s very doable, however if baby comes late/you’re tired/overwhelmed/still recovering then you reserve the right to pull out. It sounds like the gathering would be something that would happen anyway with or without you there so you’re not putting anyone out. Your MIL sounds pretty reasonable, if a little overbearing.

FWIW, I took 8 week old DD to visit my family on her first new year which was a seven hour drive. My husband doesn’t drive so I had to drive the whole way. Would certainly be more difficult for you with your three older DC, but the thought is often more scary than actually doing it.

Also agree with hesterton be very clear that you won’t be staying all day.

Can you be really Mediterranean and suggest you go to her for a Twelfth Night feast? So, your parents for Christmas, then a couple of weeks peacefully st home, and then MIL can pull out all the stops for Epiphany.

Because of due date, I really don't think you can have any solid plans at the moment as you don't know when baby will arrive.

Just tell your MIL that and explain that when baby arrives you'll reassess the sitch and judge whether travelling 15 mins to your mum's on one day and then 45 mins to hers on another is do-able.

You don't have to spend 8 hours plus at your in laws. If you do go they need to understand that you are recovering from just giving birth, and will go home when it suits you and your family, not when it suits your MIL.

Gosh my dhs family are like this. Its always a bloody crowd. Except with not enough food unless i host. Why does everything need to be so intense?
Taxi for them.
Or you go there for a few hours, possibly. Eg. We will try and pop over on x date depending on kids. We will get there at 1 but need to be back by x because of babies routine.
They will still call at 10.30 to see if you have left yet.

Given that going to MIL will be a whole day of fussing & lots of people whereas staying at home (which OP & DH want & prob what kids will want) is a couple hours and a mince pie I think it's a no-brainer. They're getting the chance to see new baby, they just have to put a minor bit of effort in - and a lot less effort than feeding the multitudes would be. Add in the recent birth (and the exhaustion of already having 3 young kids to look after) - seriously, how can anyone thinks it's unreasonable to want to be in the comfort of your own home. Put your whole immediate family first OP & say you're staying put.