Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

should I get involved?

57 replies

purpleangel17 · 10/11/2017 13:36

My younger DD is an immature 8yo with some autistic traits. Her best friend at school is into horror and ghost stories and keeps telling her ghost stories and urban legends. It is literally two or three a day and my DD always comes home anxious about them and needs me to reassure her they aren't real. Every night I am spending extra time settling her and she is genuinely scared that Bloody Mary or the Girl with the Slit Mouth or whatever is going to appear out of the shadows and attack her! We are Christian and I have always taught her there is no such thing as ghosts and if anything ever scares her praying will help. So I pray with her and she does calm down but it is every night! WIBU to raise it with the teacher or other child's mum and ask her to tone it down?

OP posts:

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 10/11/2017 14:31

When she is older I will tell her what I believe and she can make her own mind up. For now I reassure her that Bloody Mary etc is just a story and if she asks me to pray with her, I do.

No I am not pursuing a diagnosis at this time.

OP posts:

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 10/11/2017 14:33

I phrase it more carefully than that when I talk to her.

OP posts:

Laceup · 10/11/2017 14:35

Are you sure this girl is her friend? Could she of picked up on yr daughter being a tad vulnerable,and is this girl playing on that?possibly she's not a friend,as friends don't tend to deliberately up set each other

OldWitch00 · 10/11/2017 14:37

What does the school have to do with this?
Have your dd, tell her friend she doesn’t like the stories. Practice with your dd what she should say “ I don’t like scary stories, please don’t tell me those”.

Tainbri · 10/11/2017 14:38

Sorry but personally I think she sounds confused as to how some "spirits" (the holy type) are real and there to help and others aren't - 'in which case what about Satan and the devil?? Are they real? I don't see how you can expect her to pick and choose what's likely to be "real", especially as she has autistic and literal traits. Yes, I would approach the other parent as perhaps they can help their child understand your dc is upset by it.

Mittens1969 · 10/11/2017 14:39

This definitely.

EdmundCleverClogs · 10/11/2017 14:40

No I am not pursuing a diagnosis at this time.

Then why mention it in your op. Either your child has a condition which makes situations like this far more difficult to deal with, and as a parent you are possibly denying her professional help to deal with social situations/anxiety long term. Or you're minimising the term 'autistic' like those who say 'a bit OCD', which undermines much of your post.

If your daughter is just a bit sensitive, just say so - there's a huge difference between not liking silly ghosts stories, and having a condition that often makes it hard to differentiate between truth/stories told to them and causes anxiety.

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 10/11/2017 14:43

Her dad is autistic and I think she probably is slightly so but not as severely as he is. I have made an informed decision, in consultation with the school and GP, that pursuing a diagnosis isn't useful or helpful right now. She is not missing out on any support and I am not denying her anything. I included it because I consider it to be relevant.

OP posts:

Fraying · 10/11/2017 14:45

I wouldn't speak to the other mother. I would mention it to school.
Ignore all the posters taking a pop at you for praying. There's a world of difference between saying prayers and telling a DC ghost/horror stories.

Littlecaf · 10/11/2017 14:51

Religion is relevant as the OP has made it relevant.

This religious choices are relevant here, especially if the child has/will be diagnosed with ASD. Understanding of the 'supernatural' is confusing enough for poor kids, but it may be even more so for someone with autism being told 'no that thing is made up, pray to this other totally unseen/unproven entity will make it better'. It may well be making the situation worse, if the child is already getting anxious about these things. is obvious.

There are no snide remarks about religion on here. If the OP included all the othe information about the issue and nothing about praying or being Christian, nobody would suggest that praying to calm her down would help. We’d all be suggesting calm baths, a chat about how ghosts aren’t real (not just because you are Christian, just in general), nice stories at bedtime etc.

EdmundCleverClogs · 10/11/2017 14:52

that pursuing a diagnosis isn't useful or helpful right now.

Even if she's struggling with understanding that scare stories aren't real? That it's causing her stress and anxiety, and whilst your personal beliefs are absolutely yours to have, that adding more stories into the mix may not prove helpful in the long term?

Anyway, obviously you best. Hopefully her teacher will make it clear to her that stories aren't real and can't hurt her, or at least stop this little girl telling them to your day.

FizzyWaterAndElderflower · 10/11/2017 14:53

OP, if your daughter is like my son, giving her permission to prioritise herself is the secret - DS1 got so hung up on being polite, on being nice to his friends that he didn't realise that he could just walk away from stuff he didn't like.

Give her permission to leave the conversation, make sure she knows it's not only fine, but something she needs to do, that enforcing her own boundaries is good and sensible.

WhatwouldAryado · 10/11/2017 14:57

Religion and the paranormal are all in the same category to many.
I Don't think something intangible is ideal for supporting someone with autism to make sense of reality.

PhilODox · 10/11/2017 14:57

Have your dd, tell her friend she doesn’t like the stories. Practice with your dd what she should say “ I don’t like scary stories, please don’t tell me those”.
This ^ right here.
Teach her how to stand up for herself, and stop her 'friend' telling her stuff in the first place. If she has autistic traits, do you know about social stories? Use that method, to help her, and some role playing to practise saying she doesn't like it, and doesn't want to hear them.

My DS of same age has AS, and he very much knows his own mind, and we've taught him to express his opinion politely but firmly, and then walk away. (He hates "bad language", but some of his friends are v enthusiastic about it!).
Helping her to be politely assertive will help in other situations too.

PhilODox · 10/11/2017 14:58

And what fizzy water said more eloquently than me.

Trafalgarxxx · 10/11/2017 14:58

Oh fgs, no there is no relationship between the religious beliefs in a family and horro stories told by an 8yo.

If MN was to be believed, no one should ever believe anything religious unless they are also happy to be torn apart.
Which tbh pretty bad on a ‘accepting everyone beliefs’ pov.

OP I agree with PP, go and see the teacher and explain the effect those stories have on your dd.
And please carry in with the prayers. Much better to pray every night if that means yur dd isn’t anxious than her developing some much less helpful startegies to cope with her anxiety (ocd, self harm come to mind)

ifyoucantstandtheheat · 10/11/2017 14:58

i'm in a similar situation with my daughter who is also 8 and who is being assessed for autism at the moment.

If the child is autistic (and I'm sure for some NT children) there can be difficulties with appropriate relationships. The child can be more fearful of telling their 'friend ' that they don't like something.

In my child's case they are being forced to do inappropriate things at the moment. I've only found out because my child has been so anxious that a 3rd child has spoken out.

OP I would talk to school and ask the teacher to gently handle it. It may be that all it will take is for a teacher to tell the friend that your daughter doesn't like it and it will stop.

I think it is out of order that people have been bashing your religious beliefs - it has nothing to do with your situation.

BernardBlacksHangover · 10/11/2017 15:00

Some of the comments on here are fucking hateful.

Op, yes, I’d speak to the teacher or mum if you know her well.

MynewnameisKy · 10/11/2017 15:02

Typical Mumsnet goading.

Distressed parent comes on for advice and get's a load of abuse for being Christian and her beliefs ridiculed.

Speak to the teacher OP

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 10/11/2017 15:02

I have suggested she tell her friend she doesn't like scary stories but she still came home yesterday with two more.

Yes, how would a diagnosis help in this situation? It wouldn't. I am aware, her teachers are aware and her class accept her as she is. That matters more than if a medical professional has decided she crosses an arbitrary line on the spectrum. I am not autistic and I struggled with ghost stories as a child. I learned to avoid them, I will try to teach her to do the same.

OP posts:

Oddmanout · 10/11/2017 15:05

"Religion and the paranormal are all in the same category to many.
I Don't think something intangible is ideal for supporting someone with autism to make sense of reality."

This definitely. I don't care what religion you are or whether you use prayer to calm your daughter. But you've asked for advice on how to stop your daughter being so anxious about it and I think there is a correlation here. How can your daughter believe that the ghosts/spirits/unseen beings in the horror stories aren't real when you tell her other ghosts/spirits/unseen beings are?

Genuinely not having a pop, I just don't think you see the connection here.

ifyoucantstandtheheat · 10/11/2017 15:05

OP you are lucky with her teachers then. Often for girls it is so subtle that a diagnosis is very helpful, the fact my daughter is on the pathway for assessment has made our school take her needs more seriously. At least that's my experience with both of my children.

BernardBlacksHangover · 10/11/2017 15:05

My mum was a serious alcoholic, (who eventually died of an alcoholic cardiomyopathy). My dad is a very certain atheist, (he’s very ethical, has thought it through a lot and knows exactly what he believes - there is no god). When my mum went to aa she became Christian. Even my dad said that it did more for her than any other treatment. The day she saw a minister and prayed with him was the day my dad felt he had got his wife back. She died a month or so later, but was completely at peace. My point is that, whether or not you believe in God, it’s ignorant and hateful to bash the op for encouraging her dd to pray when she’s anxious. It can do wonders for some people.

EdmundCleverClogs · 10/11/2017 15:05

Distressed parent comes on for advice and get's a load of abuse for being Christian and her beliefs ridiculed.

I personally have not ridiculed anyone's beliefs. I have only pointed out that if a child with autism is having difficulty and being scared by intangible stories, there may be a far clearer way of explaining to her. If ASD hadn't been mentioned then my reply wouldn't have mentioned the religious aspect what so ever.

bookwormnerd · 10/11/2017 15:09

I would mention to teacher. We had simular issue but my daughter was 5 at time. A few of the children in class had older teenage brothers and sisters who had told them ghost, zombie and monster stories. My dd wanted reasurance it was not real as her friends were adament it was as they had believed older siblings. She did have some nightmares but with some constant reasurance she now ignores the silly stories. I would just keep reilliterating its a story and not real. I can remember being scared at around 8 as my parents had watched a few to many strange but true and ghost hunting programmes in front of us

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread