Absent husband. Sick father-in-law

[FunderAnna]

My retired husband has filled his life with activities. He's also the only person who visits his elderly father on a regular basis. (My brother in law lives in a European city, and although flights to see his father are frequent, fast and cheap, he doesn't visit more than twice a year.)

When my husband goes away, I will sometimes fill in for him - because otherwise my father-in-law is unvisited. However, my father-in-law's increasing frailty and my husband's increasing busyness(not being thereness is causing problems.

My father in law is 96 lives in a care home and has severe dementia. He's recently been admitted to hospital twice - once after a fall where he broke two ribs and then a couple of weeks later with breathlessness and chest pain.

Yesterday my husband was in London, prior to flying abroad to pursue one of his interests for the next couple of days. He'd been there the day befoe as well, and on that day I'd visited my father in law in the care home.

Anyway yesterday my father got a phonecall from the care home to say his Dad had been admitted to hospital after the GP had visited the carehome and found that my father-in-law had breathlessness and low oxygen levels . My husband decided to carry on with the trip.

As the person who was nearest the hospital where my father in law is I spent a frustrating hour or so trying to locate which ward he was in and to find out more information about how he was. The hospital people wouldn't tell me much at all (My husband also did some phoning and we conferred.)

Today I had to work later hours than usual and told my husband not to ring me - barring emergencies - until 7.30 UK time. I'd had slept uneasily because of the worry about my father in law, but got an update from my husband with news that they suspect pneumonia. This can be quite serious with the very elderly.

But neither my husband nor my brother in law are coming back from the two European countries where they are now. My plan was to visit my father in law tomorrow which is my day off. My father in law is less confused in the mornings, so I am more likely to be able to get a sense of how he is - and more likely to get information from medical staff than is possible in the evening. (They won't tell me anything over the phone

Just before 7pm tonight I got home from work feeling tired and hungry. Within five minutes my husband had rang. He started burbling away about the city where he is, and how he was going to find something to eat and how I could go and see his Dad tomorrow, but get the car looked at in the garage first tomorrow morning.

And suddenly I felt absolutely furious. I told him I'd not eaten and he'd promised not to ring me till later so I had a chance to recharge.

I've now sent him an email to ring me tomorrow morning instead.

I really want a quiet evening. I think I deserve one.

How would you feel in this particular situation?

I’m so sorry OP but at 96 with a diagnosis of pneumonia, I would be encouraging your husband to return quickly as his father may not have very long. I’m sorry.

There is an interesting range of views here - as there always when families are under discussion.

I have freelance work that is mostly of pleasurable, plenty of activities that I enjoy and when retirement comes - not for some years in my case - I have various ideas about what I'll do. The fact that my work is freelance means that I sometimes accompany my husband on his various excursions.

My father in law is an important person in my life. When I first met my husband he lived about half an hours drive away, and weekend visits/Sunday lunches happened every fortnight.. Particularly since my own father - a rather remote figure - died, I have felt very much as if he were my own parent. He has been a loving grandparent to my daughter and all three of his grandchildren are very fond of him.

The good thing about his new care home is that it is 10 minutes walk away. It is possible to drop in for short visits, while also getting on with our daily lives. He has settled in and well and the staff are kind.

The visits we make mean a great deal to him, partly because there is a lot he finds confusing so seeing familiar faces brings him happiness. He always thanks us for coming and has become more physically affectionate - holding our hands etc.

Hospital is more complicated, because it is such a busy place and that the staff may be good at dealing with physical problems, they are not good at dealing with dementia. For example during an earlier admission we found he was in danger of getting malnourished. He did not understand the menu sheets that were being handed out, so was writing things down that he wanted (eg 'soup') rather than ticking boxes, so meals weren't being brought to him and his memory loss meant that he just assumed he'd eaten already.

I do actually want to see him. My husband also wants to see his father and ensure that the quality of his life is as good as possible. Because he is retired, the two older children are working and our youngest is at university, it is possible for us to take reasonably good care of him.

It's simply that the last couple of days have been difficult. They sometimes are when the goalposts keep moving.

My husband and I had a good conversation on the phone this morning. We're in agreement that this isn't the best time to plan further trips away - and when he's back he is also going to update his brother and have a conversation about the need for/desirability of more back up.

Yes it's her choice. To do the kind thing, the probably morally right thing.

I don't see that as wrong. I do see her husband's and brother-in-law's actions as wrong and hopefully that can be addressed when her husband comes home.

But the implied criticism of a woman for caring about someone who has been a part of her family for many years is harsh and unkind.

I can understand why she would tie yourself in knots doing it and why she would feel resentment whilst doing it and why she is posting on here about it. And are there children involved too? She doesn't say.

But I'd do the same thing.

Do you think he is simply in denial about the gravity of his father's condition? Maybe he's become inured to the dementia and doesn't realise things are getting worse, or hasn't been able to face up to the recent deterioration and needs help to accept it.

Either way, he can't outsource the care of his ailing parent to you - it's not fair, and he might well later regret not supporting his father to the full. Maybe a proper discussion with the hospital consultant about the prognosis and any decisions that will need to be made would get him to realise what's happening. It could also give him some traction to call on his brother if necessary.

Best wishes for the outcome, OP.

Sorry, X-post.