AIBU to be annoyed - woman insists on using our au-pairs

[Yanka]

So, this has now been going on over three years and I would appreciate some opinions please - am I out of order or is this woman?

I work full time with kids of school age and so we have been using au-pairs for a few years now. As there isn't really a lot of work, we let our au-pairs get additional jobs during the day or weekends, provided that they don't clash with their normal duties.

About three years ago our au-pair at the time found an extra job, helping a couple with a then 2yo child. I wasn't over the moon with this particular job as sometimes the babysitting nights clashed, but we made it work. That au-pair left us after 18 months to start a job in her field.

Our next au-pair was then 'headhunted' so to speak by the same lady again, through getting her number of our previous au-pair. Again, I wasn't massively happy, as it feltrather odd that the same family insisted on using your au-pairs without ever asking us if that was OK, but I let it go again.

Fast forward another year and yet again a new au-pair is 'head-hunted' by this same lady. Moreover, she is now pressuring our au-pair to give her the details of our cleaner, which our au-pair refused to do.

To top things of, she now got my mobile number from our last au-pair and has texted me to give her those contact details and when I politely refused and asked her to look for help elsewhere I got a fairly abusive text back, calling me selfish and saying how difficult I have been with every au-pair that tried to help her.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking I am not her recruitment agency and she should just leave my family alone?

Thank you Hissy

THIS is the issue. this woman IS taking the au pair that you have sourced and interviewed and contracting her to work for her sometimes clashing with the hours YOU need her for

Again the aupair is not a thing to be taken by anyone. If they are accepting work from someone else when they are contracted to work for their primary employer, that is a problem with the aupair who has accepted it, not with the person who offered it.

This talk of au pairs as if they are owned and lent out by their employer is extremely insulting.

I'd say she was laughing all the way to the bank at your expense OP. Cheeky Fucker

I'd tell her to FOTTFSOFATFOSM

With an au-pair, you house them as part of the package of childcare or housework you stipulate.

She's getting none of the obligation to house, feed or screen the au-pair yet preventing the au pair from doing the duties they were hired to do? Not on.

I would be upfront with the next au-pair about this woman. Forewarned is forearmed. Similarly with the cleaner. If I were your staff I'd be very unimpressed that my phone number was handed out (by anyone) without my consent or knowledge like I'm some sort of slave to be handed about. By all means pass along the contact information to your au-pair or your cleaner but make it very clear what this woman has expected in the past from previous au-pairs and that it has clashed with your requirements and if they choose to also work for her, then letting you down to suit the other woman will possibly risk their continuing employment with you.

I would get anyone who works for me nowadays to sign a non-disclosure agreement. It may seem a bit extreme but she wants your au pair and your cleaner. She may be eyeing up the rest of your life ie business, contacts, contracts etc. Tell employees they are not to discuss you or your household with anyone. Cheeky fuckers

You just need to put it in your initial contract with your au pair to say you're happy with taking additional employment if they wish but only if it doesn't clash with your needs and so long as it is fitted around your needs.

I am supposing that you provide you pay your au pair a "full time" salary, even though there's not so much work to do?

RE the cleaner - I'd give your cleaner her number - it's not up to you to decide who your cleaner can work for or to turn down work on her behalf. But I'd warn her when you do that she's caused problems in the past and has not had a very pleasant attitude.

I agree with the advice to tell your au pairs up front that they are expressly NOT allowed to work for this woman. As for the woman herself, tell her not to contact you again and block her. She'll soon find another family with au pairs to leech from.

I think that while you can't ban your au-pair from taking on additional work with this woman, you can forewarn any future au-pairs that, based on previous experience with your other au pairs, the CF will more than likely try to "head hunt" them and then put pressure on them to work for her at times that clash with duties for you.

I would make it clear that you won't ban them from working for CF if they choose to but you will not be flexible with the hours/days/times you require the au-pair to work to accommodate CF so if there is a clash then their commitments to you must be the priority since you are their primary employer.

I would tell any future au pairs that they cannot work for this woman, because she has caused problems in the past. Perhaps try to help them find alternative work that did any clash with their hours with you, to support them.

Under no circumstances would I allow this woman to poach your au pairs any more.

I would tell any future au pairs that they cannot work for this woman

you absolutely can do no such thing.

hot - she can if that is in their contract. *so long as they are getting a proper deal in terms of what they are paid/ie it's not "part time" pay for part time work. however it would make her appear unreasonable. fairer to stipulate additional work for any other employer must fit in with the OP's needs as main employer.

Given how many people on here have trouble saying no to friends, family, neighbours, random person in the park... I am not surprised your APs, who may well have language difficulties, have trouble saying no to her. Do you know what she has said to them? It could well be that she tells them you approve of this, that you expect her to tell you if she has any doubts about the AP etc. Once she has claws in she could very easily put pressure on them.

I agree with those saying you can't forbid your AP from working for someone but you can make it clear you don't want them to. And that your requirements come first. And discussing your household is a dismissal offence.

No you are not BU,the other woman IS BU.
Tell her to find her own cleaner and that the current and any future au pair's will be working primarily for you and you will no longer be so accommodating due to her taking advantage of your good nature.
Then I'd block her number.
Stand you're ground,you sound like a very reasonable person.

All of you saying that OP cannot prevent her au pair from working for that particular woman, on what grounds are you saying this? Surely the OP and au pair can agree between them whatever they like?

All of you saying that OP cannot prevent her au pair from working for that particular woman, on what grounds are you saying this?

On the grounds that you cannot forbid an adult from doing anything in their own, non-working time just because they are your employee and you don't like it.

If the OP needs the au-pair to be on duty from 7-10am and 3-7pm every day (for example) then what the au-pair does between 10am and 3pm is none of the OP's business, providing it does not impact on her work for the OP. If the au pair gets a part time waitressing job in the cafe round the corner from 11-2 every day then the OP cannot object to her using her free time that way ... if the cafe job started at 10 or finished at 3 and so the au-pair was constantly leaving early/arriving late then the OP could insist the au pair dropped the waitressing as it was impacting on her work for the OP.

All of you saying that OP cannot prevent her au pair from working for that particular woman, on what grounds are you saying this?

On the grounds that the au pair is an actual human being, an adult, and you have no legal or moral right to do so?
and that you'd be a bit of a prick if you even thought you could?

But there are lots of jobs where you cannot work for certain other people, because of confidentiality etc. I know it's not the same with an au pair, but in certain jobs you would be put on gardening leave for a long period before being able to go to a competitor, for example. So I think you probably can prohibit someone from doing another specific job if you are the main employer. I also think if the other woman can't be bothered to find her own au pair or babysitter and just asks yours out of laziness then it is very annoying and worth mentioning to the next au pair at the beginning.
You will probably find that if you are not able to pay the au pair for enough hours and they have to work elsewhere as well that there will always be clashes though, so perhaps worth considering whether you need to be more flexible in your expectations.

Not usually in low paid jobs though.

That isn't applicable to au-pairs.

Not taking on any other paid employment is a very common clause in employment contracts. Most are generally without prior agreement so if OP puts that clause in then she'll have control over who the au pair works for.

It is really really common.

Actually, I think the woman's abusive text has given the OP grounds to insist that her au pairs do not work for her.

As long as these type of requirements are shown to have a valid reason and do not broadly affect the employee in a negative way. To remove permission for them to work for a particular person who has been abusive is perfectly acceptable. In exactly the same way that someone could refuse to allow an au pair to do work for her ex-partner or the ex-partner's family.

Not taking on any other paid employment is a very common clause in employment contracts. Most are generally without prior agreement so if OP puts that clause in then she'll have control over who the au pair works for

Do you know what au pair means? It means on a par, equal to, because they are meant to be treated like a family member and not as an employee. They are not paid properly and they can only do limited hours of work for their host.
If they want to do work outside that they have every right to. You cannot give them such clauses common as they may be in the general world of work.

And it not really really common to have employment contracts that say "you can work for who you like except for Mrs X because she's a bitch" anyway

ignore and block her number