Insisting on marriage

[Marcine]

DP and I have been together for many years and have 3 children together, but aren't married.

We are thinking about buying a property in the next couple of years. The deposit is my money, however DP is the main earner (I am at home with the children and earn a small income self employed). I couldn't buy anywhere on my own.

DP doesn't want to get married, but I feel a bit nervous about putting all my savings into a property with him without being married. He reckons it makes absolutely no legal difference but I'm not sure.

AIBU to insist on marriage first?

Why do you want to buy a house with a person who says they will not marry you although they do know you want marriage? If marriage is just a piece of paper then what's all the fuss, you could get married in a few weeks without the frills and expense.

There is some good for you that has come of this news in that you now know what the future would hold if you stayed together: insecurity, lack of commitment or respect.

I've always worked full time and earned equally to DP, its only since birth of 3rd child that childcare is no longer financially viable.

Agree with LittleOwl yep, put the house in your name - "none of this 'old fashioned nonsense' about having to be in joint names after all we're not even married, are we?" Would be my line to him. I reckon you'll see the real him once you come out with that line...

He's covering his own ass and feathering his nest.
Pls get legal advice.

So baby if we separate we'd split the property 50/50
That’s what my mum thought until my dad walked out for another woman and wanted every last penny he could possibly get. I never would have said my dad was money grabbing at all but another side of him came out when they were getting divorced. Luckily she was entitled to half (actually ended up 60/40 in her favour). My SIL wasn’t married when her partner left her and she ended up with hardly anything for their house sale. People easily change when money is involved.

Would it be possible to have the house in just my name if the mortgage will be based largely on his income?

I would suggest a legal financial agreement. We did a 'Deed of trust' which means that if we were to split my (large) deposit for the house would come back to me and the rest of the sale would be split. I'd say to do this even if you do get married because it's your safety net just incase anything awful happened.

How hardline opposed to marrying you is he? Is it marriage he objects to, or a wedding? You can, perfectly legally, book yourself a slot at the registrar, turn up in jeans with either a couple of mates/relatives or a couple of randoms off the street as witnesses and be married in the space of 15 minutes. (Even if you do both want to make it this low-key, probably nice to go for lunch afterwards with DC or something).

What lanebaby said. We did this also as my wife put down the deposit and I wouldn't want her to worry that I'd try and make off with it if we ever split.

As others have said, it makes a big difference to your children if you should both die. Basically, if you're not married your children could lose a massive amount of money to inheritance tax.

But also agree with pp that you are massively vulnerable going into this as a SAHP. We see it here on MN all the time. Unmarried couple splits up, he has the house, she has nothing.

I would be vary wary of a man who has no problem having 3 children with me, wants me to pay the deposit on a home, yet will have the mortgage in their name and refuses to get married.

What Aquamarine says ^^

The mortgage would be in both our names, but I couldn't afford it alone on my income.

OP, think of this. You're not married. Your youngest child leaves home. You've earned a very low salary throughout your children's childhood and now you're 50-ish and it's hard to get a full time job. Your partner dumps you - or you want to dump him. Either way the relationship ends. He has 50% of the house and so do you. However, he has a pension. He has a full time job and he's 20 years ahead of you in terms of promotion. He has a car he's paid for and maybe savings. What do you have?

He's utterly selfish to not marry you. It puts your relationship on a very uneven footing and you are the only one who'll suffer. That's not love.

Would it be possible to have the house in just my name if the mortgage will be based largely on his income?

No.

Would he be able to buy a house without your deposit?

I wouldn't buy a house with him unless married.

' (I am at home with the children and earn a small income self employed).'

PLEASE, go back to FT work asap. This puts you at a huge financial disadvantage. I'm amazed how many women still do this, jack in their career/job to look after the kids FT when they are not married.

Read one of the many, many threads on Relationships where a SAHM has been left in financial difficulty due to a split and you'll soon see that YANBU to insist on marriage. I would never, ever, EVER be a SAHM without the protection of marriage, no matter how much I trust my DH.

It makes no difference. If you are both on the title deed then you have a shared interest and right in the property. If one of you dies then the other automatically gets the whole interest no provate and no tax. It would however make a difference in the event that one of you died and left a taxable estate.

If you are putting in the main capital into the property it is very much in his interests to get married too

If you are not married then you need to make sure that you own the property as tenants in common with your share covering the deposit you put in, plus 50% of any remaining equity.

If you marry, then it becomes 50/50 anyway.

If I was him I wouldn't put it in your name if I was paying the mortgage. All you need is legal documentation that shows who owns what.

^^This. Being a SAHP really is the preserve of the married or independently wealthy. Would your childcare costs be unmanagable if he paid them, or are you looking at them only in terms of your salary?