to not really like family stuff

[Janettaw]

Background - came from a 2 child family. Both DPs died when I was relatively young and although I have got quite a few aunts/ uncles/ cousins etc I never see them or communicate with them. It has been ever thus even before my DPs died. DH has several siblings, loads of nieces & nephews, DM who loves being the "matriarch".

We have to go to quite a few family dos and I go because my DCs like it plus DH likes to see his family. But really I don't like it much at all. I also don't much like spending time with my DSis who I have not much in common with.

I quite like social gatherings with friends but my favourite thing is just spending time on a one to one basis with people I really like.

We had to go on holiday with DH extended family this summer. It was my idea of hell - cooped up in a place I didn't want to be with a whole load of people that I have little in common with but have to be nice to.
Everyone else thought it was fantastic and have posted loads of Facebook photos about how it was the best holiday ever.

Am I just a miserable old fart or do other people feel this way.

I feel the same to a ltd degree. I like my family perfectly well, but can't relax around them for various reasons and am always on guard for the next bicker or snipe. My parents think we should be the Waltons and that my sister and I should be best mates. However I don't really like her! We get on on a superficial level, but that's about it.

My husband and his family are genuinely close, but not in each others pockets. They're scattered all over the country and only see each other a few times a year, but genuinely enjoy a good knees up when they do see each other. Things are far more formal with my family.

I think it just depends on your own family set up. OP if I were in your situation I'd probably feel the same. I'm a massive introvert and hate big gatherings that go on for days even with my own family. I always say I knew OH was the one for me when I could spend weeks in his company and I didn't want him to go away

In my own family, I like to get together but a day is enough. Christmas and the like is fine, we see different bits of the family on Christmas Eve, Day then Boxing Day but by the 27th I need a quiet couple of days at home. OH is welcome to take DS to people if they want to go, but I like to retreat back into my sanctuary for a bit.

A family holiday would be my idea of hell unless it was just for a weekend and we had our own place to stay. No way would I do a week, with either side and we all get on well. The only exception is my cousin, her husband and their DS. We did a week at Centre Parcs with them, as our DC are the same age and very close but we had our own cabins and didn't spend every single day together. We spent probably half the days on activities together and had dinner at night but after went back to our own cabins for the evening. Was the best of both worlds we all had a lovely time.

It might help that my IL’s live abroad so we don’t see them very often. When we do see them it has a sort of party atmosphere... good food and wine etc. If we lived in each other’s pockets it would probably be different.
I have a very small family. Parents divorced and hate each other, my brother died in his 20’s. So certainly no family gatherings, but independently I get on well with both parents.

I like spending time with family - mine and / or dh's, because they are actually nice people. Being related to someone doesn't mean you can't also be friendly with them. I like spending time with my siblings and cousins, as we have shared memories and experiences.
I still wouldn't go on holiday with them though.

I get where you're coming from, OP. DH is from a family where "family" is all-important. They have an obligation to be a close family- to them, this means doing things together several times a week, holidaying together, all parties are just them etc.

They post on FB about how awesome their gatherings are, and they genuinely think they're a great example of what family should be.

The thing is, they actually don't get on all that well. MIL is completely toxic, but Must Be Obeyed. The siblings have very little in common (and basically no outside interests), so family gatherings are basically everyone sitting on their phones, posing for photos (for FB), and reminiscing about holidays ("Remember that time you tried to push me in the pool and fell over?"").

They don't realise how tedious it is, because they've never really socialised outside the family (if one of them makes a friend, they all kind of tag along, so even at other people's parties, they're all there and just stick together).

I'm reasonably close to my family, but in a genuine way that's trusting and supportive- but equally I have several close friends who are just as important to me. I'm not missing out by not seeing my sister twice a week.

@MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta I know a family like that. They are like a clan, honestly. OH's friend family. There's the mother and step-dad, three brothers, two sisters and their partners plus now a few children. All work together, socialise together everything. All social media is all about #family #thisonethough etc etc

They are the most obnoxiously bunch I've ever met. OH's friends is ok on his own, he's really quite a nice guy but I can't stand the rest of them. They are toxic. They all scrap, slag each other off, are nice to people faces but bitch about anyone who's not 'one of them'. Whenever there's a party or something you can absolutely guarantee they'll kick off some big #familyrow.

Ugh.

I'm not mad keen on some of dh's family but I suck it up because they're his family and I'm married to him.

DP family have kind of become my family now . I am genuinely very fond of them all

If there anything you dont like about them OP or do you just have an undertstandable nervousness ? As it might be something you want to think about and explore x

I never understand why people like the Op don't just stay at home and let their OHs take the kids away to enjoy extended family time.

@DumbledoresPensieve that sounds like my ILs!

The odd thing is that they never seem to adapt to new people... when someone gets married or a baby is born, they don't change anything- it all has to continue as it was before.

For example, they had a Halloween party. They played all the games they used to play at parties as children - but it was mainly the grown ups playing. The actual children barely got a look in. Even when my nephew hurt himself, no one checked he was ok - it was left to MIL. It's like, in PILs' house, they're the adults and everyone else is still a child!