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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - DP deciding to work from home when I'm off ill?

46 replies

35goingon90 · 06/11/2017 12:41

Background - I founded a business a few years ago. DP joined last year.

Me: Work related mental breakdown. Everyone agrees time away is what's needed to recover. I am now 'off'.

Also me: Back injury reoccurring leaving me either limited in movement or housebound, unable to drive or really do anything.

Him, who has access to 3 offices and a car: "I'm now going to work from home every single day. At least half of it if not all of it 7 days a week. I'm also going to ask you about work and talk about work. Im going to be working on the sofa next to you and I'm going to take all my work related stress out on you even if I don't say it's about work. I expect you to look after the house, meals, cats etc'

Me: I need physical and mental space away from work though to recover.

Him: I'm doing all the work though because you can't.

Me: Sob.

Am I being massively unreasonable? Should I just be grateful and suck it up? I need my time and space to get better.

I feel I should add DP hasn't decided to WFH all the time because he wants to check on me or look after me. It's so he can get some space......

Am I an entitled brat to want at least a couple of days a week where work isn't in my face at home?

Help!

OP posts:

DeadDeadDeadRose · 06/11/2017 13:51

Oh, I missed that you had a back injury too. Of course that will limit you doing the hoovering etc, so he's being unreasonable there too.

TwitterQueen1 · 06/11/2017 13:56

This isn't going to help you at all OP! It sounds like deliberate torture to me - designed to keep you right where you are right now, which is not in a good place.

PoorYorick · 06/11/2017 14:00

I'm sorry for all you're going through OP, but if the job broke you, what's it going to do to him if he's doing that plus more?

I think we really need his actual side of things here.

Sirzy · 06/11/2017 14:01

He's single handedly doing 3 people's job at the min - one of which was mine and it broke me, same for the other chap.

So as a company you need to all look at how to change this - surely you can see this is unsustainable and I actually wonder if him avoiding the office is an indicator of him struggling,

You have acknowledged that the job has made you ill but then seem to have very little empathy for the position he has been put in.

You need to sit down and have a proper conversation about how BOTH of you are and what can be done to help everyone

Butterymuffin · 06/11/2017 14:04

How is this going to work long term if you aren't making any money from the business? Is there a point where you expect to be? What are you living on?

Sorry, I'm doing the same thing and talking about work now. But while he's being a dick about the space, I don't think all this can be dismissed. He does need to back off though and give you some space at home - at least work in a different room.

KimmySchmidt1 · 06/11/2017 14:05

If you founded the business, can't you tell him what to do? You are definitely not being unreasonable. He has no right to work from home (is it your home or does he own it, out of interest)? Isnt it up to you whether you give him permission to do so?

Suggest you advise him either work at the office or get out of your house and split up.

NorthStarGrassman · 06/11/2017 14:05

Wow, I think everyone is being really hard on the dh! So I realise you are ill, both with the stress and the bad back, but I also feel really sorry for him. He is doing 3 people's jobs (one of which has previously broken 2 people) and presumably lots of housework on top of that if you can't move easily? How can he sustain this?! Maybe this is his (bad) way of telling you that he can't cope. I think you both need to have an open and honest conversation and try to work out a way of getting through this period that doesn't break both of you.

OnionKnight · 06/11/2017 14:13

*If you founded the business, can't you tell him what to do? You are definitely not being unreasonable. He has no right to work from home (is it your home or does he own it, out of interest)? Isnt it up to you whether you give him permission to do so?

Suggest you advise him either work at the office or get out of your house and split up.*

Don't do this.

shakeyourcaboose · 06/11/2017 14:26

There is some really awful responses here with regards to 'LTB' or cocklodgery! Why are people being so blinkered to the fact that 1 person doing the job of 3 where the other 2 have been 'broken'by the role might also be struggling?!

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/11/2017 14:28

Because it wasn’t clear from the first post I don’t think shake

I have definitely changed my opinion reading the update -DH won’t be able to carry on like this, you need more staff by the sounds.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2017 14:30

1 person doing the job of 3 where the other 2 have been 'broken'by the role might also be struggling

So how would it help him to deliberately make the OP as stressed as possible, preventing her from recovering and returning to her role?

SilverSpot · 06/11/2017 14:46

He's single handedly doing 3 people's job at the min - one of which was mine and it broke me, same for the other chap.

This is so stupid. How is that the plan? You need to get an interim in ASAP or your DH is going to go under too.

Original poster

35goingon90 · 06/11/2017 14:48

Sorry folks, first time posting and hard to keep up with replies.

For the record - we co-habit, equal owners of house. Business is a nonprofit which doesn't mean we don't pay ourselves (though I didn't for the first year and a half, like most start ups). Think of it like a charity, any surplus made is reinvested back in to further it's aims.

We're not married. No children. I had cancer 4 yes ago and radical hysterectomy so not an option now.

DP has staff whereas myself and the other director didn't. I'm not taking money out of it whilst off and the other chap left so there were funds to pay for operational staff. So whilst DP is 'in charge' of these areas he's not having to physically work on them too as I was

I totally love DP and believe in what we're doing as it's a very good cause. It's been utter hard work getting it to this point though. He only joined last year so has had more energy and less zapped out of him.

Thank you for all the replies :)

OP posts:

SilverSpot · 06/11/2017 14:49

So from his point of view - this other person did this role then 'opted out' by being broken and you picked it up. Now you have 'opted out' and he is having to do it. He can't 'opt out' because there is no one else to do it.

You also aren't doing much at home to make his life easier because of your back. So you kinda dumped all your work work and house work onto him, and expect him to be coping totally fine.

Obviously you didn't 'opt out' but it might be hard for DP not to =feel that way at the moment.

You need an interim at work. And you need a cleaner and nice easy meals at home. And you need DP to stop prolonging your stress so you can get better.

EmNetta · 06/11/2017 14:56

Well Goldmandra, because then he could claim that looking after someone who is both mentally and physically ill would have to take priority over the (non-profitable) business, so it would have to go, and when OP's feeling better, her DP would no doubt be able to look for a part-time job while she continued to look after the house (when well enough, of course).

What he's suggesting at present looks a lot like a job-share, and best avoided.

Original poster

35goingon90 · 06/11/2017 14:57

Yes to the last paragraph, that is exactly what's needed!

OP posts:

Ilovetolurk · 06/11/2017 14:58

I think if you were an employee you wnbu OP but as a founding director and with your updates I can see why your OH needs the support from you.

It's a very difficult situation and realistically even if he had extra support he would probably still need to consult you regularly.

Sirzy · 06/11/2017 15:03

I do think as a company director to expect to be able to completely walk away from work is unrealsitic and even probably not in the best interest of the company long term. I think that is a downside of owning a business even if you take a step back you generally can’t not do anything for a prolonged period

Gazelda · 06/11/2017 15:12

I’m sympathising with him tbh. He’s got the burden of running a company, with 10 employees, and a poorly DP who is unable to pick up slack at home.
He’s seen the responsibility ‘break’ 2 colleagues, yet his role doesn’t seem to be seen as important as theirs.
He’s not behaving very nice to you. He’s not offering solutions. But he seems to be asking for your support in his own way. And you don’t seem to be listening.

Popchyk · 06/11/2017 15:37

I think you both need to sit down together and thrash it through. You are both avoiding serious issues here, although perhaps understandably.

Can you promote one of the staff into a management role? Someone who knows the business and can take some of the burden off your DP? I do think you need to consider that staff will perhaps be less effective if the only working director chooses to work at home most of the time. If none of the staff are suitable for the position then consider hiring from outside.

You need a cleaner at home a couple of times per week. You can't physically do it and he is too busy. Buy some ready meals and stick them in the freezer. Order takeaways frequently. You need to prioritise your own health so don't expect too much of yourself.

Original poster

35goingon90 · 06/11/2017 15:42

Thank you - definitely good advice. I do fully appreciate he is taking on a huge thing and it's all a bit impossible at the moment.

OP posts:

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