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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL being weird?

60 replies

FirstMumToBe · 06/11/2017 11:55

I have been with my OH for just under 2 years, I am 5 months pregnant and we live together in his 2 bed apartment with no intention of moving elsewhere in the immediate future as we seem this to fit our needs.
My OH and his brother have always been close and we have always gone on holidays with his brother and his GF and we were all quite close!

However since I announced the pregnancy it's all gone up in the air. As me and OH we're at first discussing our options, although I made it clear from day 1 getting an abortion wasn't something I was comfortable doing. At first OH was up for keeping the baby and had the mindset of 'is there ever a right time to have a baby?' although after speaking to his brother he did a complete 180!! I said I didn't want an abortion but his brother showed him the BPAS website and told him they have been to these before but they also discuss financial situations with couples. OH sent this link to me and I was fuming, I rang to double check whether or not they discuss family finances as he said and they just said no they organise and carry out abortions.
After a discussion as a couple we decided we were happy and wanted to carry on with the pregnancy.

Since this OH's SIL has said to me that if she got pregnant now it would look like she is copying us they have never mentioned about trying for a baby as they live apart Hmm and will avoid us at all costs, if we're at his mums and she's there she will go and sit in another room, she is constantly slagging us off about how good of a childhood the baby will have growing up in an apartment to my OH!! Also how will I be able to cope financially?? the list goes on...

I don't know what to do, I am pulling my hair out at the thought of constantly being on edge and once my baby is here being called out or having people nit pick on how I am doing as a parent!

I am not confrontational at all, and hate all that. I am just guessing I needed to rant and wanted not to drip feed any information!
Is it just me or is she being weird?!

OP posts:
Original poster
FirstMumToBe · 27/11/2017 10:30

DoDashBeep - No matter what I do I'll be made out to be copying them!

my OH's brother came round yesterday going on about how my mum can help with their child care too and how because I earn the least out the 4 of us I may aswell just go back part time as I could do the majority of the child care HAHAHA how amusing

OP posts:
JamPasty · 27/11/2017 10:37

What the utter fuck?! They want you and your mum to do their childcare?!!

TrojansAreSmegheads · 27/11/2017 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bathghter · 27/11/2017 10:50

your OH sounds like the bigger worry. he's obviously said things to his brother that he hasn't said to you, doubts etc. too late now ofc.

Valentine2 · 27/11/2017 10:58

Whoa! That's cheeky fuckery at its very best. Show them the door OP. Don't let them walk all over you.

StarsAndStripes18 · 27/11/2017 11:41

Congratulations on your pregnancy Firstmum Thanks

When I got pregnant with my first baby (who was very much planned and wanted) after 2 years of marriage, a close relative of my DH's (who I had previously been close too) went ballistic at me and my DH!
She had announced her pregnancy (not her first) a couple of weeks previously and was livid that I too was pregnant at the same time. We were accused of everything under the sun - jealousy, trying to steal her thunder, you name it, she said it... The thing was that I was already pregnant when she announced hers so even if I wanted (which I didn't) I could hardly send my baby back Hmm
She spent my whole pregnancy criticising everything about me and my DH - house, work, money, life and even my weight.. I was very very slim and only had a neat bump and no other weight anywhere else, even up until about 7/8 months and I was accused of starving myself and baby to not put weight on whereas in reality I actually had 'morning' sickness for the 9 months and ate even more than my DH, it just didn't stay! We also had very boring lives- work, eat, sleep, save but that wasn't good enough either!

Even after our son was born the nasty comments continued.. my mum and dad bought our baby a big present (first grandchild and they were thrilled) so when she finds out about it (not from me) she said "if you'd planned my pregnancy you would have been able to afford it yourself" Confused we never asked her for anything, we had bought everything ourselves including a £500 pram which also came in for endless criticism.
The jibes went on and on... I fed him wrong, dressed him wrong, he slept wrong, then when I changed to formula feeding that was the biggest sin ever. She said she wanted the 2 children to grow up very close like siblings but she drove us away and yes, it does still hurt many years later!
We went on to have more children and I can honestly say my subsequent pregnancies were a lot easier as I stayed away from her, she made our life hell!

I really wish mumsnet had been around years ago when I got pregnant with my first baby!!

MinervaSaidThar · 27/11/2017 11:50

Your best next step is to pretend none of that ever happened and stalk offer to do all the new mum shopping, investigate ante natal classes together, arrange a Baby Name Book coffee date smile

Is this a joke? Confused

OP, they've shown their true colours, give the twats a wide berth.

And please neither you or your mum do any childcare for them!

teaplease906 · 27/11/2017 11:54

She sounds very jealous!!

I have a similar sil acting like this, it's getting boring now.

Original poster
FirstMumToBe · 27/11/2017 12:03

They've been together for over a decade ... did I not realise they would be trying for a baby by now even though they don't live together!
I am definitely not doing child care, I was gobsmacked, they keep making jokes how everything will be, the way they're going about it, it's like they've done it out of spite for definite - but they get their backs up if someone says anything like that to them. (even OH's mum agrees with me)
I would honestly be happy for them as they have been together for so long and are finally looking for a house and taking things serious (not like they're both in their 30s) if they hadn't told me to get rid of my baby and have an abortion and been so cold with me when I first announced I was pregnant!!

I can already see it is gonna be, who's got what and who's doing better competition already from them but I sooooo don't want or need that!!!!

OP posts:
Urubu · 27/11/2017 12:05

Do NOT tell them your ideas for baby names!

Sprinklestar · 27/11/2017 12:31

Go no contact, simple.

StarWarsFanatic · 27/11/2017 12:33

They were so wrong to suggest a termination. It is none of their business.

As for the apartment, my husband and I (together 11 years) are about to start TTC & we have a two bed flat. I know someone who ended up moving with a newborn as they only had a two bedroom house when middle child came along and he ended up sleeping in their room anyway until the youngest came along so they could have waited. Plus, one could argue that two people living together in any size abode are better suited to have a child than two who live apart in most instances.

In your situation I may be willing to look at going back part time regarding the childcare perspective & they were willing to pay you for your time, but if you already have it covered and want to go back to work then again, they can sod off.

They sound like utter cranks TBH. I would try to let it go, if they apologised because I don't have the energy to hold active grudges against people I am actively prepared to spend time with, but that is down to you & I fully understand if you can't.

TheEricaOlthwaiteGang · 27/11/2017 12:50

They sound like a couple of grade A fuckwits. Do they share a single brain cell?

Don't pussyfoot around letting them be insult you, call them out on their offensive comments and behaviour. Get your DP to call them on it too because he sounds like he has trouble standing up to his brother.

Just out of interest, how old are you all?

DB22 · 27/11/2017 12:57

What a pair of weirdos.

I wouldn't go no contact personally. It would call all types of hell but I would take a massive step back. Rise above their weirdo bitterness but be firm when necessary. "I don't want to be a childminder thanks" to childcare suggestions.

When I say step back I mean be polite when you have to see them, nothing extra. No joint holidays, no visits to playgroups with weirdo SIL in future, no childcare.

I also wouldn't discuss OH's mum. That could come back to bite you.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/11/2017 12:57

Wow, next time they say you and your mum can babysit for them. Just say no.

Nothing else just no.

Make sure you drum it in. They sound like they’re gearing up to leaving you with their child to do all the drudge work!

They sound utterly crazy.

Original poster
FirstMumToBe · 27/11/2017 12:58

See my OH can’t stand up to his brother, something that he has never done and doubt ever will because he’s an arrogant twat and very hard work!! I put up with him when I have to, but he can be very selfish and this grates on me 😡

My OH and his brother and partner are in their 30s and I’m in my 20s, there’s 9 years or so between me and my other half

OP posts:
Original poster
FirstMumToBe · 27/11/2017 13:00

And regards to OH’s mum we won’t be saying anything to anyone, don’t want to cause world war 3 !! I’m just putting it on here so you know 😂

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/11/2017 13:12

they're jealous poisonous people... can't see green cheese as the old saying goes...... be very careful of your wellbeing around this couple... Flowers

Goldmandra · 27/11/2017 13:14

They wanted you to have a termination so their baby could be the first grandchild. That is sick beyond belief. They can't ever unsay it.

I would put a distance between you now.

Tinty · 27/11/2017 13:15

Goodness this is awful, can you imagine how you would have felt if you had had an abortion and then they had turned up and said hey look at us we are having a baby. You should say this to your DP. His brother was telling him to have his baby aborted whilst actively trying for one of his own.

Gemini69 · 27/11/2017 13:15

They wanted you to have a termination so their baby could be the first grandchild. That is sick beyond belief. They can't ever unsay it. I would put a distance between you now

THIS I absolutely agree with .... this very frightening controlling people Flowers

DB22 · 27/11/2017 13:18

Lordy, I think the theory about them wanting the first grand child is possibly right. How odd Shock it does make sense though.

Pregnancy is one of those things that an make people go a bit weird. Distance is the key here but tbh, I don't think this will be the last of it. You are going to need boundaries and lots of them.

KC225 · 27/11/2017 13:19

I agree it sounds like jealously. Your BF needs to nip it in the bud and tell he brother to pack it in. If they think your BF has been 'tricked' into having this baby he needs to put them straight.

I had twins in a one bedroom flat. And a friend recently had a baby on a house boat in London without electronicity. A baby/child will do perfectly well in an apartment.

AnnabellaH · 27/11/2017 13:23

OP how old are you?

I didn't realise you needed a house to raise a child Hmm maybe someone should tell my son that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/11/2017 13:34

Crikey. Yes, that’s it exactly. They wanted the first grandchild. Their behaviour totally backs that up. Controlling, dictating, competitive. Best to steer clear as much as possible and enjoy your baby.

Perhaps the reason as to why you earn the least is because you’re younger and have less work experience. That doesn’t mean you should be expected to be the family childminder. You make your choices for your family. They sound like a couple of nasty idiots.

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