To ask you how to leave my marriage

[Crockface]

I want to know if I would be unreasonable to ask other Mumsnetters to give me advice on how to leave my marriage- financial, emotional and practical. Posting here partly for traffic and also as I just need responses from a variety of people.

My husband and I used to love one another but the relationship was never perfect. I made excuses for him, and whilst he can be a lovely man, he is disrespectful, rude, misogynistic and also quite controlling. Recently I've seen this behaviour begin to be directed towards my teenage daughter (15.) My other daughter aged nine has also began to comment that 'daddy is really rude to mummy.'

My sister thinks my husband speaks to me awfully and that the lack of respect is clear in all areas, from comments he'll make towards me for not doing housework and how he could watch me struggle to do something (ie, controlling two young, excited kids when we were younger and not help at all.

There are also belittling comments if I do something wrong (normally domestic) which will sometimes erupt into shouting fights.

So in short, a major lack of respect.

I can't deal with it any more.

He's never hurt me either. But he's thrown items angrily in arguments, such as ripping photos off the wall. He did once jokingly try to 'hurt' me and actually did, when he went to trip me up as a joke and I actually fell and had bad bruising. I'm not scared of him being violent but I'm afraid he'll get nasty, kick me out our house, talk vile crap to the kids about me, try to ruin any future relationship I could have... He's that kind of person. He's nice right now as he knows nothing up but as soon as I tried to leave I would get cast out and any chance of an okay relationship would be gone. We wouldn't even be able to sell our house as he wouldn't let me back in after kicking me out and wouldn't cooperate.

Like as soon as I say I want to leave he will go from loving me too, "fuck you."

Financially we also have barely any equity in the house as we only bought it two years ago. I don't know what I'd do. I earn 32k a year and would need a three bedroom house. He earns more than me, in the region of about 55k.

So please what do I do?

How can I tell him? How do I even bring up the conversation? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I literally have no clue.

Thank you.

I would think the first step is "see a solicitor to find out what your rights are in their free half-hour consultation."
Your post has a lot of what he will or wont "let" happen, but its not all purely down to what he feels like giving you. You are married, youre the primary caregiver to your children I assume - you have rights in this situation including the provision of a family home for the children. He cant simply lock you out, say "tough" and walk away scot-free with the house.

I'm really sorry but solicitors don't offer free half hours.

Some (not many) do but it's not there as standard.

So sorry to hear what you are going through. If I were you, the first thing I would do is find a solicitor and seek advice with respect to the house etc. Are you both on the mortgage? I was always under the impression that neither of you can kick the other out or change the locks as you both are entitled to be there, however either of you can choose to leave.

Family solicitors round where I leave sometimes offer a free half hour.

You sound like you have made your mind up and are strong enough to start the process, that can be half of the battle.

I'd also say don't mention any of this to him until you've take relevant legal advice. It's always much easier to face a situation when you have the correct and legal advice and you can stand firm on the decisions you make.

I left an ex and he tried to bully me by telling me lots of untruths and I was genuinely scared until I'd seen a Solicitor.

Do you have any friends who are solicitors? Or even friends of friends? I'm sure they would be more than happy to give you some pro bono advice given the situation.

Do you have a joint account only or do you have access and control over your own finances? Any savings?

I'm really sorry but solicitors don't offer free half hours

Some (not many) do but it's not there as standard.

This is a good example OP. I told you in my post that some solicitors do, this poster has said they don't always.

It's a cliche but I always recommend a solicitor being the first port of call, as things change and you never know who on forums like this, are giving correct advice.

From my own experience, I was told what I should be doing by lots of people in real life and unfortunately it wasn't always the proper legal way!

A good example of what Emily?

I agree a solicitor is a good starting point but they are not your friends. They are a money making organisation and they will make money from your marriage ending. And anyone who overlooks that is stupid.

Also, you will get little specific and helpful advice from a free half hour with a solicitor. They only do it to get fee-paying clients. The stuff they advise in the free half hour is easily available on the internet anyway.
That said, the CAB often has a rota of family solicitors who will offer a pro-bono appointment.

A good example of what Emily?

A good example of wrong advice being given. I've seen multiple threads on here where people tell the poster to take all the money then file for divorce, to kick him out and change the locks and to stop children from seeing the Dad because they don't approve of his actions. None of which, generally, is legal (depending on circumstances)

I agree a solicitor is a good starting point but they are not your friends. They are a money making organisation and they will make money from your marriage ending. And anyone who overlooks that is stupid

Of course they are not your friends and yes they will be making money. But surely it's money worth spending to ensure the law is followed rather than taking hit and miss advice from strangers on the Internet?

There was a post a while back about someone wanting to change their childs name and lots of posters were saying to just change the name, that you don't need parents permission etc and given out all sorts of wrong advice.

I'd rather pay for legal advice and know exactly what I can do than go on the advice on here.

OP, if I were you I would start a new thread on the Relationships Board, or ask MNHQ to move this thread over. There are a lot of very wise posters on there who have come out the other side of what you are going through and who can give you excellent advice and help you go through the process.

I wish you all the best.

As a former solicitor I would not bother to go to one that offers the free half hour or go to them but not ask for the free half hour. Quite often it is a trainee you will see who will merely take down details and not be able to give you any actual advice in that half hour. Instead they go away, look things up and speak to higher level (associates, partners) then meet you again to advise (not free).

My advice would be to go to a Partner initially and ask for your initial advice but ask them to delegate the file to a non-partner fee earner for minor matters.

I would however start taking photocopies of any documents in the house eg. pension statements, payslips, download statements etc so that you have all these to hand before you go to the solicitor and so they are kept safe before he realises what you are up to. If you do not have a sole account then I would also open one asap (secretly) too.

It sounds as though your daughters already know that your H speaks to you terribly and I suspect if he bad mouths you to them they will be aware that he is talking rubbish.

You know this relationship has to end and you have to get your daughters out of their too (your DD! is beginning to get in his cross-hairs as she grows up and so will the 2nd)

You know as soon as you tell him he will not play ball in anyway.

You line up your ducks now, so that you tell him once all your pieces are in place and his lack of co-operation has been mitigated as far as you can get it.

How to do this. Get as much legal advice as you can. Get copies of all statements of his assets (as once you start divorce proceedings he's not going to volunteer them).
Plan for your own financial security in a worst case scenario fashion. Make sure you can support yourself and your children if you have to walk away with nothing.

Talk to work. How flexible can your working hours be once you are a single parent? Sort childcare providers so the transition is smooth and you don't have to take time off to sort out emergency childcare.

Look for rental properties now. Perhaps you can afford to buy on your salary alone. Perhaps the commitment of your current mortgage will go against you. Know what is available in your area within your budget and tell him once you have a signed rental contract and the keys for a new property.
Ensure all access to the children is sorted legally so that he can't just decide to keep them if it is informal. If he is truly going to make your life difficult you need to pre-empt him so that when he does move, you already have a counter move. There have been incidences where the resident parent has not had this clarified via court and when the non resident parent decides to not return after access there is little the police can do to get them back as both parents have parental responsibility. Then you have to go into overdrive and get emergency court hearing and the like, costing a fortune and with no way of the outcome to be in your favour.
If you formalise access asap, then clear expectations from both sides have already been laid down (whether he keeps to it is another matter. If he wants to cut his own nose off to spite his face and not have a relationship with them, that's his lookout. If he decides to use them as a weapon against you and withhold your access to them then you already have the law on your side and things can be sorted quicker)and there is the minimal possible upheaval for the children.

In short plan ahead and hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Sorry, edited a bit out there. With regard to emergency court hearings I meant there is no guarantee the outcome would be in your favour not there would be no way it would.