Assertiveness tips please!

[WishIwasinStarsHollow]

Posting for traffic, have tried 3 other boards! Any managers got any assertiveness tips they would like to share? I'm going back to work following mat leave next week and don't want to be a pushover again. Feel a bit on the back foot having been away thanks for any replies

* I have assertiveness issues too and feel the need too be liked by everyone, give myself a really hard time if I feel I have said something stupid and spend ages imagining how everyone must be judging me.*

I struggle with this actually and I got an app called Thought Diary which is based on CBT. You write an entry and it’s guides you into “what you think will happen” and then thinking of a more positive/less catastrophic outcome. Mine normally are “everyone makes mistakes”, or “no-one will remember”.

I’m also lucky to have a really supportive boss who’s taken pains to say “I’m not always right, I make mistakes too”. My other big issue is not having the confidence in my own opinion, so I’m doing my professional exams in the hope that’ll pass with time.

I’ve ordered that book too!

A friend who is super successful and high-flying once said to me 'make sure you always behave as though you know your own worth'. So if you're a few minutes late for a meeting, or just the last to arrive, never say 'sorry I'm late', instead say 'thank you for waiting for me'. I thought that was brilliant and use it all the time now. It's not rude, it just says 'I don't need to be sorry and my time and experience is worth you waiting for'.

Brilliant tips thank you everyone love that one as well Hebe!

Absolutely hebe!

So many people get very caught up in 'everyone must here be here on the dot of 9am'... Getting very pissy with someone a few mins late. ..and then ignore that most people are making coffee / chatting....

It's quality of work... Not absolute quantity.

Don’t say ‘sorry’ if you mean ‘excuse me’ or ‘please’. Don’t say ‘just’ in terms of ‘sorry, can you please just do...’ - you mean ‘please will you x’.

I’m also liking these tips, thanks all.

I am trying to say sorry less but it is so hard, it's like a reflex. Even if someone steps on my foot and says sorry, I instinctively say sorry back. It's incredibly my difficult to break these habits, but I feel like it's so important that I do. Maybe we can do it together OP!

I am going back after Mat leave too shortly and feel like on the one hand I’ve got more confidence but need to express it in a constructive way! Definitely going to read that book!

Never bring baked goods
Never JADE (justify/apologise/defend/explain) if you just mean ‘no.’
Don’t smile as much
Think before speaking
Say no more.
Use of language is important. Replace ‘but’ with ‘at the same time’ to give both sides of the argument equivalent weight.
Don’t try to be everyone’s friend - it’s work
Don’t put anything in an email that you wouldn’t be prepared to have on public record
Treat underlings with respect

That book is good

If you are prone to being overly sympathetic in a meeting about poor performance

1. imagine that the people who are badly affected by the poor performance are watching your meeting.

2. Imagine your work role model is watching you have this meeting.

3. Imagine it is being recorded and could be played back to anyone.

One thing I learned from a series of great female bosses was to give lots of credit and trumpet about your team 90%of the time so you don't need to worry about being liked the remainder.

So you set up a pattern where you are seen as being a champion for your team, they feel valued by you, you obviously play nicely with others; but then when you need to say no, or feed back on poor performance, they know you mean it and it's not personal

Really interesting thread. I'm just back from mat leave so currently struggling with confidence. We have a new CEO and the environment has really changed. He gets on well with my interim replacement who has not yet left and she's done a great job. But the office atmosphere generally is very prickly/ stressed and I really want to make an impact but so far facing an uphill battle. My problem is also not behaving like I'm worthy of my position and I know that's colouring how the new CEO sees me. Definitely going to read nice girls don't get a corner office.

I used to really struggle with the idea of what others thought of me, when I went back after my first dc I felt I didn’t give as much of a crap about it - going back after 2nd dc in a few months - these tips are really good. Thanks!

“Oi! You! Dont be a dick head”

I’m having a crappy Monday...can you tell?

Don’t start a sentence with ‘Sorry but....’

Understand what your standards are and then make sure you stick to them.

The most important one for me was to recognise that not everyone is going to like you and, actually, that’s ok. You have to not care whether your workmates, especially those who report to you, like you or not. The better question is - do they respect you and your work.

Don't say "just" or "sorry" - proofread your emails to take those words out.

I love that about championing your team so they know you mean it when there is bad feedback, thanks heymicky.

Similar to what hebe said, I never say "sorry for the delay", rather "thanks for your patience on this matter". Means the same thing but shifts the power a little bit.

HeyMicky I LOVE that and will definitely aim to put that into practice

Such good tips everyone thank you I'm so glad I posted here!

When I did performance management training it was emphasised to us that by giving someone feedback about their work (good or bad) you are helping them improve.

You can't fix something if you aren't aware of it.

I also find it useful to remember that you're not being paid to be friends with people - you're being paid to work with them.

Performance management; criticise the action and praise the person.

So if someone has done x wrong, concentrate on the procedure not the person and always in an instructive way.

“I see the files were put in this part of the website, they need to go here, because blah blah....let me show you/direct you to how it’s done for next time”

Never criticise the person themselves, only the action.

If a person is deserving praise, praise the person. “Jane has done a great job of putting the files in the ...” blah blah.

Pan in private, praise in public. Any negative feedback should always be done one to one. Positive thanks etc can be done In team calls/meetings.

Unless someone is a total asshole or is getting a warning for deliberate negligence (vv rare) I like to sandwich any negatives between positives ‘so Jane, had some good feedback on you from programming, they said that blah blah. I noticed that these files got put in the wrong place, so next time they need to go here, because the auditors need the access.... I see youve done a good job on this bit here, thanks for that, I think that’s something I’d like you to maybe take the lead on next time as you did such a good job...”

I’ve had to talk to one direct report about her BO/appearance problem and I made sure I was crystal clear so a) I never had to have that horribly awkward conversation again with her and b) she knew exactly what it was that needed change (scruffy nails, too short clothing, BO).

Wanting her to fully take on board what I was saying made me much more direct than usual. I was asked to give her that feedback but I didn’t tell her that.

Oh gosh I would dread that conversation ibuilt horrible!!

Can I recommend the brilliant one minute manager books- v readable but really useful. Also look at patsy Rodenberg on YouTube- second circle. Excellent.

Thank you thesandwich will add those to the list! Started listening to the guilty feminist podcast last night, very funny

Ah good tip from sandwich... Second patsy rodenburg