To be disappointed by so called friend

[wonderingstar01]

I feel really let down by the actions of my friend's husband and don't really know how to deal with it.

Long story short, he asked if he could buy something from me as a replacement for an item he used at work which had broken. I told him what I wanted for it and he duly gave me the money and took it away.

A week later, he brought it back saying it was broken and could have his money back. Turns out he'd used the item for a week, had his own fixed item and now felt the money he paid was too much although he was desperate for it at the time.

Friends DD uses my house as her own. I don't mind. I pick her up from school, feed her, drive her to her job and sometimes drive her home. I've treated her as my own DD for 10 years. I've taken her on expensive trips, treated her, never taken money from them (it was rarely offered) and don't begrudge her any of it.

Last year, they asked my own DD if she'd like to go abroad with them on holiday. I told my friend to work out what I owed them and I'd pay it. Now, what I'd have done is perhaps ask for the cost of the flight to be paid for but I'd have covered the cost of everything else. They divided the cost of the entire holiday between the number of people and asked me for DD's share. I also gave them £300 for her food for a week.

I was a bit peeved but just thought the couldn't afford to do the same as I've always done so left it but learned a lesson from it and haven't been as soft since.

Went to pick DD and friend from school last week. Friend wasn't there as now her DF collects her, feeds her and runs her to work then picks her up. All because he apparently feels guilty about returning the item he bought. It's the first thing I can ever recall him doing for one of his kids.

I haven't paid him his money back and feel I should be as cheeky as him and take it in and have someone fix it (if in fact it is broken) and drop it back round to his house.

It's pissed me off that I've been so good to the entire family, particularly their DD for 10 years and they should take this tack with me.

Or maybe it's me being ridiculous but I can't help the disappointment I feel.

I should say they're better off than me. I'm a single mum on a low income and they're a two-income family and want for nothing.

The item sale has nothing to do with DD and her friend. It sounds like you've been building up resentment for years!

Start being honest with your BF. The husband sounds like a dick and between them they are taking advantage of you.

By inviting your DD on holiday, they have saved their costs and not done you a favour. £300 for food for a week for a school aged child?!!

Just be prepared to learn some hard truths in the process.

I agree with PP. sounds like this has been building up for a while now...

Are you sure that the item isn’t actually the broken one that he’s trying to get you to buy back from him? Or could he have removed parts from it to make his item work? Or would he have broken it deliberately?

He sounds like a money grabbing cf.

Tell him that you're a single mum and you don’t have any spare money to spend on an item, which you sold to him on his insistence. What good is a broken item to you? Christmas is coming up and you realise now you rather over spent taking his dd out on trips and looking after her. The money is gone.

How do you know that’s the reason they are picking the DD up?

Personally I’d give him his cash back. Then at least they can’t hang on to the thought that you’ve taken from them. It’s a bit strange though considering all the time and cash you’ve spent looking after their DD

Are things ok between the girls?

What is the item? What is it’s value?

I'll bet if your friend finds out, she'll go off her tits at her husband.

They sound like grabby piss takers and I'm not surprised you are upset. I if they are good friends that you can't avoid seeing then I think you need to be brave and tell them calmly how used you feel.

I would have done exactly the same as you with the holiday by the way. They wanted to take your DD to entertain their DD, it wasn't a completely altruistic thing on their part. Asking for flight and spending money is fair enough. Expecting you to pay for the accommodation as well is not really in the spirit of 'inviting' her. Especially not if they'd have had to pay for an extra room for their DD anyway.

The broken equipment thing is really cheeky. If it was broken and not usable he should have returned it and said so immediately, not used it for a week then brought it back when he didn't need it any longer.

Absolutely don’t give him the money back. He’s being a CF. It was obviously worth it to him when he paid for the item to maybe get him out of a hole (did he break the item at work himself and would have got into trouble about it?). Just because he doesn’t need it any longer, doesn’t mean he can get to ask for his money back.

As for the holiday, well words fail me. They actually expected you to subsidise their holiday! I bet the girls shared a room so your daughter going didn’t cost them any extra, given that you paid for the food, so you paying for the part that related to the accommodation meant that you were in effect subsidising their holiday. As you have always helped them out with looking after their daughter without payment, that makes it extra cheeky.

This would be a deal breaker for me. If they want to fall out about it, that’s down to them but I wouldn’t pay them. I’d just say that I’m not paying them back because he bought the item willingly. Be prepared for them kicking off about it but if they fall out with you then you’ll know for definite that they’re not true friends, just users..

Sketchily - totally agree.

What Sketchley said. You ain't paying! Just pop your helmet on, pull the grenade and dive for cover! You'll soon see if this friendship is worth its salt!

Thanks for helping me justify my pissed-offness about the situation.

He definitely has started picking DD up on the basis he feels guilty about what he did. He's said so.

He's done other things in the past which are minor but show his character. I haven't really liked him since I found out 15 years ago that he doesn't even buy his DW a Xmas or birthday present as he "can't be bothered". She runs after him and makes so many compromises in their relationship that it's sometimes frustrating to watch. That's up to them though I suppose.

The girls are okay and I don't want to take my disappointment out on their DD as that would be unfair. Don't know how I'll feel though the next time they're going to a party and it's expected that their DD will come here to get ready, I'll take them and pick them up then drop DD off at her house which is in the middle of nowhere.

Say, oh, no thank you, I don’t need it back. If he still pushes, tell him you’ve spent the money and he should try selling it on eBay.
I can’t believe how much they let you spend on the holiday!! Shocking!

Oh, and if they take DD and pick her up without offering to pick up my DD then my head will probably blow off!!

If he used the item for a week, it was clearly working and then broke when he owned it, so nothing to do with you. If he has the cheek to ask for his money then tell him you sold it to him working. If he says it wasn't, insist that it was and see how far he pushes it.

Regarding the fact he can now pick his DD up - why wasn't he doing this for the past 10 years! I'd be livid that it's now possible.

Please rein in what you do for this family, for your own self-respect. If you do invite their DD anywhere from now on tell them how much it will be. It will reinforce that they charged you and hopefully they'll realise what greedy arses they are. Stop with the picking up of his DD and bringing her back to yours after school. It's on your petrol money.

I bet all presents that have crossed between families over the years have also been unbalanced.

Kindly, maybe you shouldn't give/do more than you can manage, then you wouldn't feel resentful if they behave like this. I'd definitely drop them.

@wonderingstar01

Oh, and if they take DD and pick her up without offering to pick up my DD then my head will probably blow off!!

Oh no this is probably going to happen next! 😩

I don't do more than I can manage but this is supposedly a friendship and in my book, that's all about give and take. I have friends I do things for willingly on a regular basis in the knowledge they would do the same for me if I asked. This has always been rather one-sided but I suppose I did it, not for them, but for their DD. Sometimes, if the kids are going to do something, their DD is prevented from doing it as they don't want the hassle of picking up/collecting so I automatically volunteer to do it. For the kids' sake.

He broke your item and wants his money back? No chance! He’s an idiot.

It’s sounds like it’s been a one sided friendship for the duration tbh, with your dd’s friends parents gaining massively.

People can be really mean when it comes to money. I’m like you when it comes to paying for kids I invite along anywhere and never accept money if offered for entry fees or food/spends but I do find this isn’t always reciprocated.

I agree with pp that they basically used your dd to ensure theirs enjoyed her holiday with a bonus that you also subsided their holiday cost. I guess lesson learned there, before agreeing to anything like that in future I’d ask for full costs expected in advance of me making a decision on whether my child could go.

£300 was a lot for food too, did she bring back any change??

Your dd is obviously over 16 so if it were me I’d sit her down and let her know how her friends parents have taken advantage of you and that unfortunately you will not be continuing to be at their beck and call without more reciprocation. Lifts need to be shared etc.

The thing with the item for work is just the tip of the iceberg, this family are mean and grippy it’s just that this has really exposed it.

Answer him with “Are you actually being serious?!” if he asks for the money or any more lifts.

The fact he’s even just picking up his own dd and not yours after 10 years of you doing both and feeding them is absolutely disgusting too.

Bloody people!