Aibu private school vs abuse

[Namechange43]

I've really thought hard about posting this however I still feel annoyed and just want to either address it and let it go or not address it and let it go.

Before I start, I'm not going to leave him but I can't shake the feeling that he was a bit disrespectful or maybe even not very sensitive at all.

Me and DP get along very well and our heaviest disagreements are about how to wash clothes. Apart from that we get along and understand our place in the relationship.

We were discussing a challenge we were facing with an employee and how to overcome it. He mentioned something about a 'victim mentality'. And then proceeded to say:

'You're a bit like that, you have a bit of a victim mentality and you're unable to leave the past behind and move forward with life'

Curious as to what he meant, ready to accept he is probably right I asked him to give me an example. (We are good at pointing out flaws in each other and try our best to rectify them so not to affect our relationship)

He said 'well, people have bad things happen to them all of the time and it depends on whether you choose to stay with that frame of mind or move on and resolve it.

For example when I was young, I had to be pulled out of private education and that was so hard on me because I had to leave friends and knowing we were not as financially stable at home etc etc etc'

This was a big thing that happened in my DP's life and he still does occasionally mention it now as a grown adult.
When he does speak about it, I can see that it pains him to have had this huge change in life. And it was the main cause of his stress which soon after led to his health issues which we battle with everyday. (Stress caused him digestive problems, it's actually really bad and I can't rely on him much with the kids)

I try to be sensitive about this subject with him. I avoid mentioning it and when he does speak about it I try and be sympathetic.

I understand each individual person may find a challenge in their life difficult to deal with whereas this particular 'challenge' maybe the norm in someone else's life. Depending on what situation you're in and what you are used to a challenge to you may seem like a drop in the ocean for someone else.

The conversation continues as

(DP) 'See with me I didn't let that affect me too much and got on with my life, and I've got to where I am by not letting me affect it. Had I pondered on it and felt like a victim, I probably would not be where I am now.

Whereas you, a lot of the times let your past with your family drag you down, and you often have this victim mentality of 'look at what happened to me'

At this point I shut up and just died a little on the inside. I really don't think he was thinking properly when he spoke.

I don't often say 'woe is me, look my past is to blame, but I occasionally battle with my past. And it does get the better of me.

I'm not trying to compare but this victim mentality he is referring to which took me years to open up to him about was the fact that I was sexually abused by two of my siblings and my mother turned a blind eye. I wasn't educated but they were (I didn't go to college but went to work instead and they got uni degrees and are professionals) and because of this I was automatically a failure therefore never taken seriously and I pretty much knew my place after that.

Things happened and I knew never to mention it or think of it because I just knew not to. Nobody would believe me and I originally never thought it was wrong, I thought it was normal and when I did start to realise what they did was wrong they used their 'higher place and respect' in the family to make sure everyone knew not to take notice of me. I never dreamed of speaking out but just generally in everyday life I was never taken seriously.

Coming back to the point. I was irritated with my DP by the comparison.

Because it's a difficult subject for me I would prefer just to leave it but I also feel the need to tell him that wasn't fair.

He knows every so often I wake up with night terrors that they're coming back to get me. And when I wake up I know it's a dream but it still doesn't stop me from switching on all the lights and checking the doors are locked. I become silent for a day or so just because the dreams terrify me. It's hard for me to move away from the dreams. And I usually spend a day telling myself it's just a dream.

It's not possible for them to find me and they wouldn't even bother. I live a few hours away nor do they know anything about my life.

I'm just annoyed at him for making the comparison . I wish he hadn't .

Leaving private school vs sexually abused? Aibu to think he might have been a tad bit unfair with the comparison ?

OP l am truly horrified that your DH thinks it is reasonable to compare changing schools and childhood sexual abuse.....

He needs a serious kick up the backside and a reality check...

If he thinks leaving his private school for a state school was so terrible you have to tip toe around the subject years later....he is a rather pathetic man! He also sounds like he has a nasty superior attitude.

You on the other hand have overcome the toughest , most horrific set of circumstances as a child to become a positive parent and generally successful person...this is clear from your post...

Please if you want to be with him, do not ever let him speak to you like that again...how dare he?

Sorry op but he does

This is awful :( I can't believe he said this to you. I would not let this go, he's a pathetic bully to say those things to you. He was pulled out of private school? Big bloody deal... it doesn't even come close to what you experienced. But that's besides the point, he was nasty to bring this up in such a callous, cruel way. Sending hugs Op x

Daisy I don’t know, I think there is a difference between shouting in an argument and breaking an odd plate, and using someone’s previous sexual trauma to point score as an adult. It is a horrible thing to have happen to you. Whether it breaks a marriage is a personal decision, I guess a lot depends on whether understanding and an apology follow.

You say it's out of character, I'd say it's something he has just bitten his tongue about before. No one suddenly comes out with that without having that opinion beforehand. He is a fucking twat. Boo hoo, poor ickly diddums had to leave private school which has left him with life long issues which means he can't look after his own DCs (is it IBS?) And has the nerve to say he just dealt with it and moved on? No he fucking didn't, you said you don't mention it and you can see the pain. He needs to get a grip if that's the only thing he has suffered with in his life.

Abuse doesn't even come close to this. It was a disgusting thing to say. Abuse isn't something you can just get over and move on with, it's very likely to leave you with issues and have some sort of effect on you or your life. It was a shitty shitty thing to say and I wouldn't be able to look at him the same way, knowing thats how he sees you .

He Is basically implying that you have to suck it up/ move on/ get a grip. Isn't that marvellous? he has solved the problem for anyone struggling with everything and anything! What they need to do is ignore the stress until it results in a medical condition that conveniently gets a pass for significant aspects of life.
I think seeking some form of support through therapy for your continued trauma would be very useful. Him undermining and trivializing your experiences is repeating the denial ypur family used against you. You need to get the support and empathy your partner will or cannot provide you.

*CocoaXx
*
I’ve had very similar convos with my DP about victim mentality etc.

He has said “you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim and get over it for the kids sake” and things to that affect multiple times.

Yes to a person with PTSD.

But my therapist has said it to in a much nicer and more tactful way.

You have to deal with the abuse in a certain setting eg. Therapy and not let it effect your relationship.

If it is that person sometimes might get aggravated and say something nasty (just as most of us do from time to time)

I have been nasty to DP on occasion too, and I think it’s part of relationships accepting that sometimes the other person is not very nice but that if they are sorry and make steps not to repeat it then it is not a marriage breaker but a chance to exercise some empathy on both sides.

I absolutely empathise and sympathise with the OP but it does sound like she has some issues that she needs resolving. Her hubby went about it entirely the wrong way and his comparison was ludicrous but that does not mean she should be told to leave him. That’s not fair on OP or her hubby, or anyone else involved in their marriage x

@PenelopeStoppit A call to the local SARC (Sexual Assault Referral Centre) might be better. I know they can pass on names anonymously to the police, they may be able to do the same to Social Services.

DP thought he was problem solving, telling me to put my mind over the matter. He couldn’t really comprehend my trauma but also needed me to deal with it outside of our relationship.

I think the OP could also benefit from seeking external support for the issue.
She could also get CBT to help her out mind over matter if she thinks it would be helpful.

The victim, abuser, rescuer cycle is a common occurrence though so it may be that he is an abuser. She will not know until she steps out of that drama triangle but that means becoming assertive in the relationship, not necessarily walking away from it.

If it’s a matter of sewing up some holes in the relationship then they should try that first, but if the damn coats on fire then by all means chuck it out and go get a new one 😊

What a dick and unsurprisingly he can't look after the kids!
He's done it once op he'll do it again. He'll Downplay your abuse. There's no comparison between what you've been through and him being removed from school.
I think your brilliant. It's very difficult to come to terms with something like this.

It’s funny, my therapist has told me it sounds like I do an awful lot for my DC - she has never told me I should get over it for my DC’ sake. She has, however, said it is not something I should carry around with me for my own sake.

The point about dissociation, which the OP describes, I think, is precisely that you don’t see yourself as a victim, it is a protective mechanism to allow you to continue with your life, as the OP has done. It’s not up to anyone else to de-stabilise that coping mechanism, however well-meant, and certainly not in an argument.

I think we are going to speak at cross-purposes, anyway - some of my experiences came from my marriage, so protecting my relationship was not an option.

But that is not relevant to the OP, just that sometimes leaving is the only way through.

My post was to Daisy and I cross-posted with your last. I am going to leave the thread now, and wish the OP well. I hope this thread has not caused you to feel overwhelmed namechange

Thank you for further responses and advice.

The comments have really brought to light that burying it isn't a way to solve the issue. I really did or was beginning to convince myself the less I talk about it and ignore it the easier it will be to forget about it and it will be distant memory or not even a memory in the future.

However reading the advice also makes me feel ... a build up of pressure inside my body. Anxiety ? Whatever it is I'm feeling, I realise now it I am beginning to identify, that this means maybe my approach isn't the best approach.

That said, the thought of seeking professional help makes me feel uneasy. The words that go through my head when counsellor is mentioned is, (and I don't mean to be disrespectful to the advice), 'I don't want to open up to another fucking person!' - and I understand that will sound very irrational. It's just my automatic response. Running away and starting a new life seems to be easier. (This is not what I plan on doing, but it gives you an idea of how difficult I find it to speak to a person face to face about it)

As of yet, I'm not ready to speak to a counsellor about it, this blog and the conversation I will have with my DP is enough to exhaust me emotionally for a while.

I began this by saying I don't want to leave him because I don't plan on leaving him.

I can confidently say that when I speak to him about, it's highly likely he will apologise and accept that he was out of order for comparing the two. But because I don't like confrontational conversations I posted the AIBU just to be confident that I wasn't just unnecessarily having a confrontational conversation with him.

Yes, I agree now that he was talking through his arse a bit and like I've said before it's really unusual for him to be so insensitive. Which is why I felt slightly stumped about it all.

Someone mentioned that we can gravitate towards people that remind us or have familiar personalities.

Yes, I agree. I know this and I know I've married a man that has the arrogance of the men in my family, the ability to go round in circles to avoid the point a simple conversation like the women in my family and the denial of my mother.

That being said, I think he gravitated towards me because I'm a lot like his mum. I know I'm like her and everyday find myself being more like her.

He will openly admit that he can be arrogant, we both know this. But we both also know he can be amazing things too. We both have our faults, we really do which is why we make a point of pulling one another up on them really quickly to try and resolve littlest issues to prevent them from becoming huge problems.

I don't think I live with an abusive man. I know him, I live with him, we look after each other and support one another but on this occasion I'm confident now in saying he's slipped up and needs to be put in his place.

He really does and I can now sit down and break down that conversation and explain to him thoroughly where he went wrong.

This will be done tomorrow when DCs are away and at school.

I'm sorry if there are comments which people have taken the time write and I haven't been able to address. I'm really just trying to say as little about me to not be identified so have had to politely ignore some comments just to avoid revealing too much.

It's quite wonderful to know I could actually have this conversation here and listen to people's opinions to help me to resolve an issue which I would have otherwise battled with in my mind or just buried in the sand.

So really, thank you.

I really hope it all works out for you namechange your past as well as current relationship sound a lot like mine and I was genuinely trying to be helpful.

If you ever want or need to talk to someone on here then inbox me any time 😊 I can also recommend a therapist or counsellor if or when you think you may be ready

Lots of love 💕

One does online therapy and is very gentle x

Namechange it shines through your posts what a sweet, intelligent, lovely person you are! Of course YADNU, it was unbelievably insensitive of your DP to compare those things!!! I hope he apologises profusely! Please do not discard councelling, on top of everything it may also give you the strength to address it straightaway if your DP upsets you again. Sending you lots of hugs

He doesn’t deserve you OP but even though deep down you may know that, you’re not going to leave anytime soon. I’ve been there so I get it.

However. I hope one day you find the courage to leave this abusive gaslighting arsehole and find a good healthy relationship with someone you deserve and who deserves you.

Best of wishes Op, you sound really nice and l hope it all gets resolved for you.

otoh I do believe that this is something a strong relationship can get through and that you are probably the best judge on that

otoh I find it a little bit worrying that you are almost citing your own gravitation towards an arrogant man as something to do with you rather than him, and something ultimately to do with the men in your family

No. Just no.

The solution to him being arrogant is him being less arrogant. Nothing to do with you, nothing even to do with the abusive shitholes in your family. If you need to own your trauma then he needs to own his arrogance.

A strong relationship is one where partners take it in turns to be the strong one to allow the other partner to occasionally to be weak. It seems you make plenty of allowance for his weakness. You really need to make it clear that this is a two-way street.

It's not just about whether he blurted out something horrible in a heated argument: it's about the whole give and take of the relationship. Make that clear to him.

OK. So you are like his mother. How much does he resent his mother about the school thing? Blame her? Hate her? Is he projecting that onto you?