To wonder if all relationships are a bit shit when you have young children?

[jinglebellmel]

We have a 3 year old and a 4 month old and I'm just feeling totally fed up - nothing huge, but a hundred little things that make me feel unappreciated and angry. We seem to be growing apart, he's at work I'm at home on mat leave our worlds couldn't be more different at the moment. I don't feel as though we even like each other at the moment let alone love each other. Have others experienced the same in their relationships and it's recovered as children got older and life less strained or am kidding myself?

I could feel myself getting angry at my husband earlier because he kept sneezing. I have literally zero tolerance right now. My only child is 7 months old and wakes every single fucking hour of every single night. Literally everything irritates me at moment, But I remain positive that when we start getting more sleep, things will start looking up again

It's pretty common for it to be tough, but I don't think it's inevitable. We've only got the one baby at the moment, but still are very close, and spend good quality time together. We do have support, and a pretty chilled baby which helps, but nurturing our relationship has remained a priority, because it is so important, and builds a solid foundation for the family. We also share all parenting very much 50-50, which helps eliminate some of the resentment that a lot of women seem to feel.

You don't need to go out to reconnect though, once the children are in bed, snuggle up with a takeaway and just chat, maybe send the older one on a weekend playdate, and use the baby's naps to have a nice lunch, or some sex.

It's easy to fall into acting more like flatmates, but both of you have the ability to stop that from happening by making the most of opportunities to have fun together, or taking a moment for an extra hug, kiss, hold hands more etc.

Oh totally, it was such a bomb to our relationship at the beginning. Honestly thought we wouldn't make it. To be truthful, there was times when I didn't even want to make it. The tiredness, the stress etc added so much acceleration to the small issues. Then we had two more and things are getting slowly back to us knowing each other. We even went away during the summer on our own for three nights for the first time in seven years! It was great, we didn't argue once. Back in the kitchen ten mins and I wanted to throw a potato at his head. Bottomline, it does get easier, but its tough

DP really stepped up and does so much for the kids, right from newborn stage.. and even we had resentment and lots of arguments. Can’t imagine how awful it is with a useless partner.

Everything RainbowBrite said applies to us - we have a 5yo and a 3yo. I think we parent relatively well together and we’re friends, but that’s about it. We’re awful for competitive ‘who has a harder life’ which we really need to get over but, yeah, can’t cope with starting the conversation that would deal with it for fear of everything else it would dredge up. We both work full time and are both continuously too exhausted for anything - the energy to be civil and pleasant is saved for everybody else except each other. We have very little support apart from DH’s parents who are lovely, but not ‘those’ kinds of GPs that we can ask for regular help from but, TBH, when we have had those breaks, I just don’t enjoy spending time with him anymore. I think he likes spending time with me, sadly, but I’m just too tired and longing for my own company to reciprocate.

I cannot fathom those couples who say their relationship gets stronger post-DCs. They must have great support, great sleepers and have magically avoided the competitive exhaustion!

100% agree with Matildathecat

And don't over think things because this builds resentment. You will get through this. For me it's taken a long time, and there are still very hard moments, but it gets better, clearer and easier, all round.

it does get easier - our second dc just turned 3, I felt with DC1 that was a key turning point (before we foolishly had our lovely dc2), the first 3 years are a struggle for survival and constant, grinding tiredness. I've wanted to kill DH at times. The hardest things are all the shit things I've had to do on my own because one of us had to look after the DC - like the second time my dad nearly died - i had to wait for DH to get back from a trip abroad, leave the DC with him and race to the hospital to see if my dad would make it. Similarly, going to funerals on my own (because under 5s and funerals don't mix). All the loneliness whilst watching the children and DH working very long hours.

elphaba I sometimes think that the experience of parenting for people with 'involved grandparents/family' must be wildly different from the 24/7 both working ft+ slugfest that DP and I have endured :)

I miss couple time. We occasionally get a babysitter in but have had long phases of no one being available. I'd love a weekend away so we can have an adventure together, but can't see a reasonable way to make it happen.

Otherwise family life is good and getting easier as the DCs are getting older (4&6). The toddler years were probably hardest with regularly disturbed sleep and lots of attention needed on keeping toddlers safe. They were least portable then!

By the time we get to the evening with the DCs in bed, we're happy to enjoy mutual quiet!

I think it's normal to experience some strain. IME all my friends have had difficulties at some points. It's very easy for bitterness & resentment to build up. My husband is very hands on but the arrival of DC 2 has defo affected our relationship. I think men are just more selfish then women & children highlight that.

Totally relate to most of these posts. My kid is nearly 3 and I don't even like thinking about the dark days of the newborn phase. Dh and I had different parenting styles (me prob too uptight him way too laid back) and we clashed constantly. He was patronising and belittled the issues we had.

We nearly split up, went to counselling (which made it worse). It only changed when dc got older so dh actually started to enjoy being with them, and we moved to a house with more space.

I'm pregnant now and I really worry that we'll revert back to those dark days, I hope we can learn from past mistakes.

'the mum has had absolutely everything change - from her working life, to her friendships and relationships, her free time too, and even her identity!'

Gosh this is so true. I've found this very difficult and only have one too. Much more difficult than the actual looking after dd!

I think overall DH and I are actually a pretty good team, but still the intimate relationship side has become fairly non-existent, and we often snipe. No help/family support here either.

Hi op. Thanks so much for starting this thread. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling. It’s so bloody stressful having young children and trying to keep everything ticking along nicely. Our relationship has suffered and we have both been ill due to stress. I’m hopeful we can all get through these young years

I only have one DC of 18 months old but I don’t feel it’s affected our relationship negatively. My DH is an amazing dad and did 50% from the beginning and was able to take 6 months parental leave so has a great connection with DC. I think I love him more because he’s such a great Dad. We do use babysitters a lot at the weekends to get out for drinks or dinner. We’d both love to get away for overnights more often.

I do think it's all to do with the partner and his transition. My DH has never done anything close to the grunt work. He sees his role as provider. But then wonders why, when I've had eleven straight months of sleep deprivation, 100% of doing all childcare, with no input other than "I dont think you're doing x right" im not up for sex. Especially when I've been pawed at all day, and it's nothing to do with the baby, I can do it for him, what I can't do is massage my dhs need for attention afterwards.

Yes it is completely shit. I am sometimes surprised we are still together! It got better though. Your youngest is still so little and you will still all be adjusting.

For most people relationships change when kids come along. The worst thing is, you sacrifice everything for kids and then when they leave home they don't bother much with you any more! When you get older you just become a pain to them! Some people are lucky they have a support network. For 6 years when mine was younger, we went out together once or twice a year tops.

We are knackered and hardly get the chance to speak, but we don't hate each other and actually were a pretty great team. BUT if I hadn't been able to leave dh with a baby from week 1 I'd have been sooo resentful. Even when exclusively breastfeeding the bottle refuser I'd hand him over right after a feed and bugger off for two hours.

I think the reason for many affairs too.

I hate to take pleasure in others misfortune but it is so reassuring to hear so many similar stories.