Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To refuse to drive with DH anymore

50 replies

Bananasplit47 · 05/11/2017 09:47

As he is really getting on my nerves. Every time I drive, he is constantly talking to me like a driving instructor - telling me to brake all the time, telling me to stop at a zebra crossing when there's no one there, telling me to 'watch my speed' when I never speed! He has been driving half the time I have, and I have several years of NCD, never had anything so much as a car park scrape.
If a car 5 cars in front of us brakes, he's going in a loud and urgent voice 'brake brake brake!', or at roundabouts he's telling me to 'get in lane' - I manage perfectly well when he's not in the car with me, I don't need him in my ear all the time! He does things like reminds me there's traffic lights 5 miles away
When I'm parking up, he's sighing and telling me to 'watch it' and 'straighten up now' and 'watch that car there!'
Yesterday I lost my rag with him and told him to stop it, as I don't act like that when I'm in the car with him, and it's very off putting. I told him if he carries on he's not coming in the car with me anymore.
Out of the corner of my eye for the rest of the journey, I could see him grimacing every 30 seconds. I am a perfectly safe driver, I brake in more than enough time, I always leave a safe gap. I've noticed him being the same in the car with his parents, but obviously they tell him to shut up.
today ive had enough and told him he can do all the driving all day.

OP posts:

Hulder · 05/11/2017 10:26

My FIL tried this on me. I told him that if anyone in the car did any suggestions on my driving other than DH giving me directions where we were going (I had MIL, FIL and DH in a free for all) I would pull over and stop and we wouldn't go anywhere.

He agreed, I think believing he wasn't really doing it.

2 minutes later I was parked on the curb

He's not done it again, despite having dementia and finding it hard to remember new things. If he can learn, so can your DH.

Mustang27 · 05/11/2017 10:30

I live with one of these. Never as much had a scrape it’s bloody annoying.

KimmySchmidt1 · 05/11/2017 10:30

Insecure men invent shortcomings in women to make themselves feel important and competent at something. It's the tyranny of the little man and it needs to be stamped out - he pretends to himself that he is needed to be bossy and instructive in order to save your life and the car. It's all lying to himself BS and you need to call it or his delusions will get more and more elaborate. Say that to him - he will hate having a mirror up to his face but it needs saying out loud or you will seethe and resent him which is bad for your relationship.

Stopping driving gives him exactly what he wants - to limit your co fire ce and your ability to operate independently of him. Why did you not just tell him precisely why he was being illogical and ask what it is that he feels insecure about that he needs to invent this pretend world where his instruction is needed or relevant?

All men do this to some extent. You need to be clear with him on what his boundaries arepa the behaviour will get more tyrannical the more things you give up to him.

Enko · 05/11/2017 10:36

I refuse to drive dh who I have been married to for 21 years because as a passenger he is appalling. I also find because I become so wound up by his " breaking" and hanging on for dear life at the window holder thing (meaning he is blocking up most of the window) I become a worse driver. So I put my foot down and refuse. Better for our relationship. Not driven him anywhere in likely 6 years now.

Enko · 05/11/2017 10:38

Kimmy dh admits I am a better driver than him so I don't agree with your post. I don't think for everyone it is a matter of superiority more bad habits. (I have noticed dh does it with his best friend too who just tells him where to go )

BewareOfDragons · 05/11/2017 10:40

I would tell him you cannot drive with him in the car any more as he is actually making it dangerous to do so. He is the biggest distraction you have, which makes him the danger. If he cannot get a grip, he can't ride along.

ivykaty44 · 05/11/2017 10:43

This is his problem - not yours

Don’t let him do all the driving

Tell him to get help as he does it in other people cars and quite frankly it makes life more difficult when driving and shows you are actually a much much better driver for not having crashed with his pathetic disstractions

trinity0097 · 05/11/2017 10:50

I do this with my husband, but I honestly feel so unsafe in the car with him, I can only really be in the car with him if I go to sleep so I can’t see the late braking, inappropriate speed (too slow in motorways too fast on other roads) etc...

I do 99% of the driving when we are going out together.

deepestdarkestperu · 05/11/2017 11:11

I actually think people who do this make the driver nervous and more likely to make mistakes. Constant commentary/criticism is really distracting and infuriating to listen to when you're trying to concentrate!

Original poster

Bananasplit47 · 05/11/2017 11:16

I can still operate perfectly independent of him - we have two cars and I drive mine all week to work and back, nursery pick ups, etc, he drives his for the same. On a weekend we go out in one car as a family. I always ask him how the hell he thinks I manage without him during the week. He says 'but you don't have the distraction of a passenger in the front'
I pointed out that he was the one distracting me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bananasplit47 · 05/11/2017 11:17

trinity I'm definitely not driving like your DH - I brake at the appropriate times, I'm always an appropriate distance from the car in front, I go at the speed limit unless Road conditions dictate otherwise.

OP posts:

trinity0097 · 05/11/2017 11:31

My DH thinks he does those things though, only he does them far later than I feel happy about.

IrritatedUser1960 · 05/11/2017 11:33

What an absolute knob. tell him to stop ebing so bloody pathetic and man up.

deepestdarkestperu · 05/11/2017 11:38

If he stresses you out so much, trinity, why get in the car with him?

It's really stressful and distracting driving with someone who comments on every little thing you do!

AlphaBites · 05/11/2017 11:45

This would do my head in too

My DH sometimes slams on a brake pedal or tells me to watch out for things and it usually results in me asking how many points he has on his license then asking if he remembers how many I have ?

He doesn't do it all the time I'd have murdered him but if he did to the level you have said I would be refusing to drive with him too.

ThisNameNow · 05/11/2017 13:13

DH and I have been married for decades and usually get on brilliantly but I hate having him as a passenger. He annoys me so much I want to throttle him. I'm happy for someone to point out occasional hazards etc but I can't abide the constant 'aghh be careful' 'watch out' etc etc.

The biggest problem is that I think it effects my driving and I drive worse when he is in the car 😳

blackteasplease · 05/11/2017 13:51

Yes I would pull over too. Very annoying and I agree dangerously distracting.

I think if he must come in the car with you he had to go in the back until he learns to behave.

SwearyBerry · 05/11/2017 14:29

Hate to admit it but I’m like this when my husbands driving.... although my husband is an awful driver - drifts out of his lane, doesn’t leave adequate braking distance, etc. (He cycles a lot so I think he drives like he would ride his bike tbh).
The other part of this is that I suffer from anxiety - it really scares me when he’s driving. My response is to tell him to slow down, brake etc. He takes this as me being critical, but I’m actually really scared. I find it hurtful that he can’t take my anxiety into consideration and make slight allowances to his driving.
Is there any possibility that your husband is experiencing proper anxiety in the car? If so, perhaps he needs to get some professional help with this. If this is the case, in the meantime is there any way that you could drive a bit more carefully when he’s with you in the car? Or maybe just let him do the driving when you’re together?

Longdistance · 05/11/2017 14:34

Next time he tells you to brake, brake really hard, stop the car and turn to him and say ‘would you like to walk?’ Then ‘who has the steering wheel?’ I’ve done this to dh before, let’s just say it’s peaceful in the car when I’m driving

whippetwoman · 05/11/2017 14:40

I had this yesterday. He was commenting on my driving in exactly the same way. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was ‘helping’ me but didn’t have an answer when I told him that I managed to do the exact same drive perfectly well every weekday without the benefit of his driving wisdom.
It is So. Bloody. Annoying.

FinallyHere · 05/11/2017 15:14

Absolutely pull over to the kerb and refuse to continue until he either promises to shut up or gets out.

Whatever ever you do, do not allow him to do all the driving. My mother was a brilliant driver, much better than my father. Then he retired, decided he wanted to do all the driving and when he then died predictably before my mother, she had list confidence in her own driving. She now relies on volunteer drivers or taxis. Do do that to yourself.

This is about control, keep it for yourself.

katmarie · 05/11/2017 17:04

My ex used to do this, one of the many reasons why he's now an ex. He'd tell me the car in front was braking, and so I should be braking too. The car in front could be a mile ahead, and he'd still be saying it. He also used to go on and on at me for looking in my rear view mirror, he was convinced you don't need to do that if you're going forwards, which is not what my driving instructor told me! Apparently you don't need to know what's going on behind you before braking, they will get out of the way or it's their problem. (He had two people go into the back of him on two different accidents so hmmm... not sure about that!)

Also he was convinced he was the worlds greatest driver, despite having had multiple accidents. My car was the scene of some of our most spectacular arguments, before I stopped driving him anywhere. I think it was because I'd learned to drive after we got together, he felt like he could constantly critique my driving because I was clearly a novice. I think I would have minded a bit less if he hadn't been such a dick about it. And if he hadn't been wrong half the time. Like I said, one of the many reasons he's now an ex!

Coastalcommand · 05/11/2017 17:07

I'm like that - hate anyone else driving!

Singingtherapy · 05/11/2017 17:50

I could have writen the op. I've always said when a man says 'I'll drive', a woman hears I'll drive. But when a woman says 'I'll drive' a man hears 'please could I book a driving lesson'!

lalalalyra · 05/11/2017 18:01

I had the most spectacular row with a (now ex) friend of mine over this. She learned to drive, after 10 years of getting lifts from me, and turned into super-driver. She fell out with me, our other friend and her husband won't have her in the car when he's driving either.

It's funny how it's often newer drivers.

I don't like being a passenger, I'm much rather drive, but I've got enough manners to hide that on the occasions I am a passenger.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread