To think it’s over?

[MummyIsAFreeElf]

I’ve been with my OH for 7 years. We have a 6yr old son, a 2 yr old daughter and a 15 month old daughter. I do everything. Cooking, cleaning, childcare, shopping, dressing, bathing, homework, school runs, bedtime. I’m also breastfeeding my youngest. I am a stay at home Mum and he works 9-5 Monday to Friday. He comes home from work expects his dinner to be ready for him coming in. Will walk straight in at around 6pm, without saying hello roll himself a cigarette make a cup of coffee and walk straight back outside to smoke. I think he should have a smoke before he comes in and I’m not going to begrudge him a coffee. He’ll then complain that dinner isn’t sitting waiting for him. I have two separate school runs. My 6 yr old is in a school an hours walk away with no buses and I don’t drive. He’s in school 9-2. My two yr old is in a preschool nursery programme 12.30 to 3. Takes about 20 minutes to walk to but an hour to get home as she refuses to use the buggy board or get in a pram. I then have snacks and homework’s to do when we do get home at around 4. While they are in school I’m making lunches, putting baby for a nap and doing laundry or cleaning. Dinner is on the table by half 6 every evening so we can have dinner baths and bedtime routines sorted by 8pm. Once all three children are in bed he goes out. For hours. He left today at half 7 and didn’t get back home until half 12. He’s normal out until around 11/12 every night. I don’t know where he goes and he won’t tell me. He barely interacts with our children and when he does it’s to tell them off or shouting for no reason. His temper is getting out of control. He only pays attention to me when he wants sex otherwise I’m ignored huffed at or shouted at for doing something he doesn’t like. I’m exhausted. Haven’t had a full nights sleep in 3 years. Haven’t had an evening off mummy duty since the end of June. The baby used to take a bottle but now blantently refuses because he stopped giving me one evening a week and one night out a month.
I have tried talking to him. Telling him what I need from him. I’ve kicked him out. He’s promised to change and has short term but then it goes straight back. I’ve been told his cheated on me but he swears he hasn’t. I’ve never fully believed him but I loved him and was willing to move past it for our children and because I wanted things to work out.
Last night I didn’t resist sex. I had an itch and it needed scratched. Sorry if that’s TMI but it is what it is. To begin with it was fine because I was able to switch off but in the middle of it, I came to the very hard realisation that it wasn’t doing anything for me. There was no connection. It’s the first time I have ever DTD and it have no meaning what so ever. I realised that I love him but I am not in love with him anymore. He isn’t remotely the person I fell in love with. It’s like every good redeeming quality he had is gone. I am devastated. But I don’t know what to do. I have only ever been with him. I don’t even know how to end it with him. So I have 2 Aibu questions.

1. Aibu to think that there is anything salvageable? That if he really truly changed for the better and put my children and me before anything else in his life that we could work this out? Or is it really and truly over. Now that I’m not in love with him is that it?
2. AiBU to ask for advice on how to break up with him? He has always been able to talk me round. Telling me that he’ll change but doesn’t. Or tells me I’m the only thing he has going for him in his life and he can’t live without me. That he has no meaning and would kill himself! I don’t want that guilt if he were to take his own life.

I know this is a really long post so I appreciate any one that has made it to the end. I literally don’t know what else to do

The sons school ends at 2, so presumably a special school, and he gets dla.
Where in earth does he go every evening?
No-one should have to live like this.

He keeps talking you round when he sees his free bed, meals, laundry service and 24/7 nanny in danger of vanishing- don't kid yourself that there is any kind of love or respect for you and the children.

If you are not married, the house is in your name and you can cover costs then there is nothing to stop you kicking him out.

The op says he "comes home from work" so they must be living together.

You don't know how much her partner earns - it may well be low enough for tax credits, housing benefit and yes may have children on DLA as PP suggested. Anyhow, OP didn't come on here for everyone to demand a breakdown of her finances.

My kids finished at 2 until they were going in to year 4.

She said hand him his bag of stuff to get him to leave,so I assumed most of his stuff is elsewhere

"And she said not really any family so where else is it coming from??"

It's none of your business. ?? yourself.

OP said she had enough money to cover everything. Why do people need to know the details of that? OP wants advice on how to end the relationship with the fucker, she doesn't have to give the ins and outs of her financial situation, unless she wants to offer that information.

Posted too soon.

So age 6 rising 7 mine were out at 2 with no SN and no DLA payable.

notanumber you're like a dog with a bone. It's really got F all to do with you. Stop derailing the thread now and let's get back to supporting the OP to leave this awful man.

You’re the thread police are you?

You don't have a home s and you have an emotionally manipulative lodger.

I understand the talking around and worry he'll walk away but.

For the first, go and seek counselling, they will give you the outlet to talk and the strength to commit to making him leave.

For the second, he may, but your DC will be better than learning to accept a bad relationship because that's what they've been taught is normal.

Good luck x

Op....look at the money first...check your benefits ,are you getting anything because he is working on a low wage ,so because you are together say,you get t ax credits ...how will change when he's gone? You need to find out...sort out your child's school,can you move him to a nearer one? If it's a special school why are you not getting the free taxi my child gets?????

Of course he doesn't want to go, you are his free ride. You pay for everything and he keeps all his wages. Kick his ass out. Financially you could probably get a taxi home from school pick up with the money he'd have to give you each month for the 3 children. You'd have more time with one less person to care for a feed each day. He's not bringing anything to this so called relationship.

*you don't have a DH not a home 🙄

Oh and learn to drive!

The reason it’s relevant is that if she is claiming as a single parent then she can’t expect that he is anything other than a part time uninvolved parent. And she is doing the wrong thing in claiming that if he is living with her.

And if she is using savings to prop up her household rather than ask him for money (she says she hardly ever asks him) then she’s a fool.

The sad fact is ...he's bringing nothing to this party...well nothing positive anyway,all negatives ...get your key back..and kick him out.

There's not been much in the way of practical advice, which I think is what you are after OP, particularly with regards to the point at which you break up.

Since the house is yours, then the best thing to do would be to pack his stuff, put it outside the front door and change the locks. Do this on Monday while he's at work. You could just make sure he doesn't take his key with him, but it's a risk, because he may have a key that you don't know about. Then tell him over the phone that it's over. You've kicked him out before, so essentially just do the same thing again, but this time you know that he isn't going to be coming back. Have just one conversation with him to tell him it's over, then don't speak to him again, unless it's to do deal with access for the children.

I too was raised by a single parent. I am now a single parent. I thought life would be hard and awful but it isn't. We are happy and we manage. The ex is still in the background trying to make my life difficult.

You can do this - your doing it already. Believe me it will be easier when/if he goes.

Your children will not have your abandonment issues because they are not you. They do not have an alcoholic mother.

Your partner treats you and your children appallingly - he doesn't acknowledge any of you and treats you like a drudge.

I can't see any point you staying with this man. You gave him a chance before when you kicked him out and he didn't take it - he can't claim he hasn't been warned. And if you kicked him out before, you can do so again; just make it clear that this time round it's permanent. And make sure you claim CSA.

Off the point, but if your 6 year old child's school is an hour away, can't you claim home to school transport from the council?

See this is why it infuriates me that in the aftermath of Weinstein you hear people complaining about having their knees touched?! This man is treating you so badly, exploiting you and abusing you. I really really hope you are able to get him out. He doesn’t deserve you.

I'm confused Bal, why is it bad for people to speak up about unwanted touch, and how's it related to this thread?

He’s in a low paying job so we Are entitled to HB tax credits and child benefit. This is how I run my house. I budget to make ends meet. I am not fraudulently claiming as a single parent. Every penny is accounted for and I live with out luxury. I can’t justify £15 a day in taxis for school runs. And of the three schools in our area it’s the best one suited to my sons needs. He gets help with his speech therapy due to his speech disorder and help with his other issues. He has the only friend he has been comfortable making. He struggles socially because of his developmental issues. So whilst his school is an inconvenience with travelling it’s the best place for him. Whilst walking to school with my eldest, a walk that would take me 30 minutes with no pram and no other children, is slowed down because he’s only little. The walks from school we use to explore, my daughters preschool is between my sons school and our house. We live in a very hilly area. We pick flowers, look out for different bugs, collect leaves as well as my children being out in the fresh air and doing something more than watching tv and being cooped up in the house. I can make it take less time but it the biggest chunk of time that I’m not cleaning feeding cooking or chores. I don’t want to take that away from them. It’s a bit of fun for all of us and not mummy will play for 10 minutes but then she has to go do something else. In the colder weather they won’t want to take an hour to walk home. I hope.
The issues with my OH started after my second child was born. It went on for a long time when I broke and kicked him out. He talked me round and made what at the time seemed like a massive change. When things seemed good we had a failure of contraception whilst I was waiting for the appointment for the coil. Things slipped really badly when I found out I was expecting, even after taking the morning after pill within 24hrs. We separated for 11 weeks half way through my pregnancy. He was amazing. He made me feel like we where the be and end all of his existence. He went to work every day, spent his evenings with us and left an hour after the kids went to bed. He said that he didn’t want to be a part time parent. That he hated not having me and the kids with him and us being a family. He hated living in his mother’s house and that if we moved back in together he would continue doing everything he was supposed to. It lasted until baby was about 6 months old. The he started slipping. I pulled him up on it and it was sorted out. Then in September he went on a night out and from it he’s never home aside from bedtime and to sleep. I know a lot of my issues with my relationship ending come from my past. My mum wasn’t an alcoholic when her relationship with my dad broke down. Then she was like me. Doing everything a Mum is supposed to. We were her be all and end all. Then she moved my step dad in and everything changed. My childhood became hell and it resulted in me moving out at 16. I don’t want to do that to my kids and I know I won’t but it scares me so much.

I have also been looking into claiming a single parent and financially I would be better off. This would then give me a chance to find a job and sort out childcare arrangements. I do think leaving this relationship is the best thing to do. Thanks for all your advice on how to do it

I think you'll find your life becomes easier without him in it. Also, do you want your children to think that marriage/relationships look like the one you presently have?

Tell him to leave.