To expect DH to make an effort to lose weight

[xandersmom2]

We’ve been together for 15 years, 2 'tween' kids. DH has struggled with his weight his whole life (comes from a morbidly obese family, terrible relationship with food etc). Whenever his weight goes up past a certain point, he starts snoring really, really badly. When he loses the weight back down to the pivotal point, he stops snoring. It’s like magic

I’m no size 0 model myself, I hover around a stone overweight much of which is stress eating. I do try, though, am losing the pounds slowly, and go to the gym 2-3 times a week for an hour around my FT work and providing the childcare in the evenings when DH works (so often go in my lunch break).

Recently he’s been struggling with depression, is seeing the docs, on AD, waiting for counselling appointment. I had severe depression myself a couple of years ago, I totally ‘get’ that it isn’t fun. Anyway, he has stacked on the pounds again and is snoring horrendously. He is now at his heaviest ever and has started with sleep apnea – he’ll be snoring and rattling the windows then will suddenly stop breathing, I thump him (yes I could be a bit more gentle but I’m exhausted and sleep deprived and still need to be alert every day as I’m the main breadwinner), he’ll snort and gasp and flail around, and then fall asleep again – and back to snoring, of course. I lie awake for hour after hour, on occasion I’ll go sleep on the sofa or just give up on sleep and read a book. I've frequently gone to work on 3 hours' sleep, and as my job involves up to 4 hours' a day driving, this isn't good.

His health (blood pressure, BMI etc) is so bad at the moment that when we tried to get life insurance last month, our broker was unable to find any company that would cover him. His family history involves multiple close family members dying from obesity-related diseases in their early 50’s (he’s currently 48) and clearly they can all see him going the same way.

We had a bit of a row about it the other day. This has been going on for weeks, I’m beyond exhausted, I could cry I’m so frustrated and tired. We don’t have a spare room for either of us to retreat to. We have talked and talked and talked about the fact that if he loses the weight again, this will all stop. He fully acknowledges this but ‘isn’t ready’ to do anything about it. We have a family gym membership and he works part-time (evenings) so has plenty of opportunity to go to the gym a couple of times while the kids are at school, even if it’s just to walk on a treadmill for a bit or go for a swim (which he has always enjoyed). He refuses. He eats and eats and eats, drinks fizzy pop by the litre bottle, then falls asleep in front of the telly in the evening….

Last night as I go to bed he presents me with some ear-plugs. Apparently as he ‘can’t help snoring’, this should solve the problem and stop me complaining. I literally laughed at him until I cried. I didn’t do it to make a point or to be deliberately offensive – it was just an automatic reaction and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I’m so tired I could cry, he could totally make this stop, but the solution is for me to stop complaining?

He was very upset at my reaction, but I honestly am losing all respect for him. He pointed out he can’t lose the weight overnight, I said of course I recognize this but even if he was trying, I would be able to deal with it (again, from past experience I know that when he tries the weight comes off within weeks). I am truly concerned that he is going to have a heart attack and die any day (and yes, I’ve told him this).
AIBU to expect him to make a freaking effort?

For someone who has had depression OP, you don’t seem to understand it very well. You nagging him and making him feel shit probably isn’t helping. I’d be straight with him and mention it to him and how you worry then suggest he sleeps elsewhere. But that would be it, to keep going on is probably kissing him off.

Pissing* not kissing.

You have every right to be annoyed OP, not only is he risking his own health, he is affecting your quality of life and health too. If your DH is not getting enough proper sleep due to sleep apnea there is every chance that this is adding to his feelings of depression. Depression, low mood and anxiety are all linked to sleep disorders.

My husband and I both have health issues (me physical, him mostly mental health although not severe). We had a discussion when the kids were born and said outright that if we had any health concerns it was now essential that we saw a doctor immediately as it's our responsibility to be around for our kids.

That's not to say that he can magically lose the weight or resolve his depression, but I'd be very angry if his health were at serious risk and he wasn't at least trying to improve it or telling doctors the truth.

My dsis was in exactly this situation. She was obese through poor food choices and as she got heavier her joints hurt more and more. So less exercise lead to gaining more weight.
DSIS would take the bull by the horns and really attack the dieting with a vengeance.. lost two or three stone but put it all back on as the diet was not sustainable (or simply harder than her store of willpower)

She went to the doctor to ask for NHS dietician help. He was switched on and didn’t judge her but recognised someone who simply didn’t have the ‘off’ button with food.
She also was diagnosed with Apnea. To qualify for the NHS Bariatric pathway you need a BMI of 40 + or BMI 35 + with co morbidity (Apnea is one of those) . He referred her to a specialist Bariatric unit where she had 6 months of intensive dietary and psychological therapy related to food. At the end of the 6 months she was offered a gastric bypass. All I can say is that it has changed her life . After a life of yo-yo dieting , sleep apnea , type ll diabetes, and both knees needing replacement. She has lost 8 stone - no diabetes, no Apnea, one knee has recovered - one too far gone but has been replaced and recovery was swift. But best of all she is a different happy happy person. There is a risk with all operations but Gastic Bypass has Lower death rate than gallbladder removal - so don’t believe all you read. It’s not easy but it’s a massive tool to assist on the road to a healthy weight. As part of the NHS pathway you are encouraged to go to meet ups with others who have gone through it I went with her. Over 50 people in the room all at different stages all had slightly different post op stories- not a soul regretted it.

Get him to do some research. There is a way out of this. He is depressed because he’s fat, he’s fat and it’s given him Apnea- Apnea causes poor sleep and tiredness- so you crave the sugar hit to give you energy to get through the day.. the sugar makes you fat.. there is a way off the roundabout and it really works long term.

Such an informative post kittens. So glad your sis's life has transformed for the better

I think it's hard to address any other health issues when someone has sleep apnea. My partner has it and two months after starting with the CPAP machine he'd lost two stone without even trying. Tiredness was making him eat more; getting enough sleep made him less hungry. The referral to the sleep clinic took ages though, so it's worth getting the ball rolling sooner rather than later if at all possible.

Of course YANBU. He needs to put down the shit food and drink and lose some weight. Not only would it help his physical health but also his mental health.

Why don’t you just start throwing all the crap away as soon as you see it in the cupboard? Brand new 2 litre bottle of coke - gone. Pour it away. Bag of crisps - empty it into the bin. Then say to him ‘it’s either the shit food or me’.

Normally I’m not for ultimatums, but seeing as odds are you’ll be a single parent anyway in a few years at this rate you might as well try to shock him into it now.

Or, alternatively, if you’ve lost love and respect for him, perhaps a break-up is the best solution.

Very tricky. Dh is trying to lose weight and has Cpap. I also struggle to lose weight. Why can’t I lose that last stone? Don’t we all? Finding the motivation is very hard. I think people above are dismissive of how hard it is.

Another positive vote for getting him a cpap, my dad’s life has been revolutionised, no more waking the dead with his snoring. He has so much more energy is going swimmin. Can watch a film with out falling asleep on the sofa.
It’s far easier to make healthy food choices when the sleep is sorted, for both of you.

There’s an element of “for want of a nail “ here. Without wishing to be morbid or catastrophising, OP, you driving about sleepless has the potential to affect a lot of lives.

One thing I’m not getting is where he’s getting all the fizzy drinks etc from? The thing that always comes to mind with those programs about people housebound through obesity is the role played by their nearest & dearest: who must have acquiesced to requests to get all the food when the person could no longer do it themselves. While I think you could be on dodgy ground binning stuff he’s bought himself, you certainly don’t have to enable by buying it for him.

Just wanted to reiterate what PPs have said - it is highly likely that the sleep apnea is, if not causing weight gain, then making weight loss practically impossible. It is also likely a contributing cause to his depression and as such really ought to be addressed asap.

Have you tried telling him that fixing the sleep apnea may help the depression too?

Also agree with PPs regarding what you buy and cook, assuming it’s you that does these things. Although this doesn’t always work, my DH also needs to lose a few pounds and immediately after Ive dished up a healthy dinner he’s scrounging for biscuits

YABU in some ways. But so would I be if I was kept awake by thunderous snoring each and every night, and was likely to become someone's carer because their health is shot to pieces and they won't address the aspects of that they CAN do something about.

We are human - it would be normal to find all that off-putting. With his family history it's obviously difficult but sorry, I don't see that as an excuse not to try. Perhaps he hates thought of going to gym.

I cannot stand the gym, nor long exercise sessions. & I'm too lazy to traipse to gym after work anyway. So I seek out 15 minute YouTube videos, and exercise daily at home. I have dumbells, a mini trampoline and that's it.

Big appetite, but I cut out carbs 3/4 days a week. Can still eat to feel full, without the carbs.

Your DH can do small changes but he has to want to, it has to come from him. & as he has a wife and children I actually think he should try

Deep down how much love and respect do you have for him. The way your op is written I sense the relationship isn’t great.

You are NOT being unreasonable. It’s sounds like he is refusing to take responsibility for his health which is taking its toll on your health and your relationship.
Yes you are correct. He is likely to have a heart attack and diabetes (if not already diagnosed) and this will likely to put a further strain. If he is struggling, he can speak to his Gp to see if he can be referred to a dietitian or healthy weight team. X