Parents and childcare - is anyone BU?!

[AddictedToTea]

After a discussion with a friend yesterday about the difference between the help my brother and I get from my parents regarding childcare, I wondered what people’s thoughts were. She thinks my parents are very unreasonable and my DB/SIL CFs!

My brother has 3 children (two at primary school and one baby) My mum and dad have looked after all three children from when my SIL goes back to work to when the children go to school (so 3-4 days per week for a number of years) They also look after the older ones after school every day and every day in the school holidays. My brother lives about 20 minutes away from my parents. Both him and SIL have good jobs (so could afford to pay for childcare if they needed to)

I live 2 hours away from my parents and have one child. They provide child care for ‘big ticket’ events (e.g a wedding) They will come and stay with me to do this but we make a weekend of it (so go out for lunch, visit an attraction all together etc) This probably happens 3 times a year. I visit them for a weekend about once a month (if that matters)

So, in this scenario, is anyone being unreasonable?

Why would you feel aggrieved? You live too far away for your parents to help you more.
Wishing a big nursery bill on your brother wouldn’t be kind.. if your parents are happy then I think it all sounds good.
I also think it’s lovely they combine a visit with you with seeing some do the area you live in.
Your friend is BU

Same situation here - we get very occasional childcare from our in-laws, DH's brother gets something along the lines described in OP.
In our case, DH's parents actually moved to be closer to his brother.
Also in our case, it's clear that my in-laws very much resent how much they are taken for granted (so DH's brother and SIL are BU in our case!) but don't know how to back out (when they suggested cutting down the childcare, BIL and SIL reacted by not letting them see their grandchild at all). It's caused a huge family rift and DH now won't talk to his brother.

None of which is probably relevant to OP!

Unfortunately, we all parent our children differently. No matter how hard we try and how we spin it in our heads.. I have no idea how it will look in the future for our family but my parents treated us differently as children.

My sister, first born, was more of a homebody, got homesick, needed more emotional support so my parents brought her too and from university every term. I choose a different degree, very short holidays, integrated industrial placements where I came home much less frequently. I had to make my own way to and fro, which at times when I was stoney broke, pushing my entire world of belongings, literally between three countries finding my own accommodation, I resented the fact that my parents drove big sis to uni and helped her settle in. Little bro went to the local university 5 miles away, Mum cooked all of his meals and when he grew up, they gave him half the garden to build his house on. I try to make peace with the fact that they gave us what we needed and allowed us to plough our own furrow.

I struggle with the differences in the emotional, practical and financial needs of my three children and try to give them what they need but know they see the differences. DD is an emotional limpet to the exclusion of DS2, DS1 gets alot of things new whereas DS2 gets hand me downs. DS1 has to go out there an do everything first and DS2 comes along and does it all better. DD believes that she is special one becasue she is the only girl. They will all see if from their own perspectives and I hope they will forgive my mistakes and appreciate my efforts.

No one is being unreasonable.

My mother lives 10 minutes away and hes never look after my kids, not once.

Not a reasonable but I can see how you might feel resentful! My parents used to have my brothers kids every weekend Friday to Sunday night, they didn’t really want to be so committed but didn’t feel they could say no, now it’s every other weekend, I’d love to have just one night out with OH but don’t feel I can ask as if they haven’t got brothers kids they are enjoying their weekend off!

I don't think so. Why would your friend think anyone is being unreasonable? My grandparents provided childcare for me when I was a baby from 3 months until I went to school (full time), then every day after school and then some overnights pretty much until my grandmother died when I was about 12. They had 4 other children and provided no childcare at all for their kids (we all lived about as close, within 30 minutes, though other siblings weren't very involved with my grandparents, whereas my mum did a lot for them, bought then a house, etc.).

I think it's nice that your parents provide your DB and SIL with so much support and so long as everyone is happy with that arrangement, great. I know if my mum lived close (she lives abroad), she would be dying to do the same (not that I would want her to really). But I don't think that means they are under any obligation to do the same for you or anyone else. It's lovely they provide childcare for weddings and other events though. That's what mine does. She usually visits 3-4 times a year and we try to plan those visits (week long) for when we have something we need to go to sans children. Mine does also occasional send money for nursery, but it's not expected or routine, it's mostly because she feels so guilty that she lives far away and is missing us. She shows a lot of affection through buying people things and gets a lot of her own self worth from that (another story altogether). She even goes as far to pay bills for friends (like their mortgage or pay for flights for them to visit family, etc.), which is embarrassing more than anything. I don't think it's expected.

But your DB and SIL should be appreciative (and maybe they are, but you aren't around to see it since you don't live close by). That said, if you've never had to pay for childcare, you don't quite get what a big deal it is to not have to. Even my mum, who is incredibly generous, sometimes doesn't get why we don't have more disposable income, but it's because she never was our age, building a career and paying for childcare - it was just always provided to her and she never had to worry about stressing about leaving work on time or who would collect us from school.

Your friend is the unreasonable one unless there's a lot more to it than you've said. Do people really think grandparents should travel 2 hour journey to do standard baby sitting?

The only way your dbro is unreasonable is if he strops if they can't do it and drops the children on them without agreement. There's a very high chance that he also does little things for your parents-you may say he doesn't, but you probably don't pick up a lot of the things that just drop into place if you're the close one. My dm was the close one and it was little things like picking up an extra pint of milk and dropping it off, helping move the bed when something had dropped behind type things that my grandparents really appreciated as much as the bigger things that were more obvious to her siblings.

Your DP are lovely, doing so much childcare! I’m sure they would do more if you lived closer to them. Don’t let your so-called friend feed your jealousy, it will lead to you resenting your DB and SIL and potentially damage what appear to be good relationships within your family.

We can’t rely on grandparents to offer regular help with childcare as both DGMs are widowed and in their late 70s.

I thought greater affluence was meant to lead to greater happiness but it seems people just find something else to be dissatisfied about. I doubt very much that this sort of agonising over 'fairness' is common in big families in the developing world, even when the children are children, let alone when they are adults. It certainly isn't the case in my family.

Parents are human beings with human frailties. They may not always get it right but most try to support all their children, though they may use their own criteria such as who needs more help rather than dividing everything up equally, if that is even possible. Sometimes people find it hard to change a long-standing arrangement such as childcare.

All these cries of 'not fair!' on these sorts of threads (not referring to OP) remind me of one of my sister's aged 4. I imagine some older and elderly parents are exhausted and frustrated by the competing demands of their adult children pulling them in all directions.

No one is being unreasonable - although I personally think your DB & DSIL are expecting far too much from your parents, are they happy to provide so much childcare?

We lived miles away from both sets of parents when our DS was born, my SIL had years of 'childcare' from DMIL but clearly I wouldn't expect that when we lived 200 miles away . Equally my own parents lived 300 miles away but were kind enough to come up to stay (combined with a holiday for themselves) if we wanted a night or two away.

If the grandparents are happy to do it then all good but it's not something I would ever ask of any of the grandparents of my kids. They've done their time!

Agree Leth and as a parent I would not be very impressed if my adult children expected me to do childcare (bar an emergency and would be happy to do evening babysitting).

DH and I are late 50s and no plans/ability to retire anytime soon so highly unlikely we would be 'free' to do childcare - and even if we could afford to retire there are lots of things I would like to do in my retirement rather than providing childcare. My own parents (80s) have a wonderful retirement, just back from a fabulous trip to London doing the museums, meeting up with old friends etc etc.

Same thing happened in our family. DM and DF looked after my brother's children so he and his wife could go back to work. I was a single mum to five, three hundred miles away, nobody to help with childcare or babysit or anything. DF used to tell me, privately, how tiring he found it, and DM told me they wanted to scale back but felt they couldn't.
There was nothing I could do. Sheer proximity meant they were able to help DB and not me. (But I did grit my teeth sometimes when they were telling me how tired they were...). I was just jealous. Tried not to let it affect my relationships with family, I'm sure they would have helped me too, had I been closer.

Same situation here. I live several hours away from my parents (and ILs), so have never had family help with child care other than a very occasional weekend (e.g. to go to a wedding) or to cover a couple of day's of our nanny's annual leave here and there when we have been unable to take annual leave at the same time (children older now, so childcare no longer required). Both also babysit the odd night when they are visiting us or we are visiting them (which tends ot involve at least a weekend given distance). I have absolutely no problem with this. I know they would be here is a shot (if they could) if we had some kind of emergency.

Both of my siblings live very near my parents (one about half a mile away and the other about 2 miles) and my parents (retired) help them out quite a lot. It really does not bother me and in fact it would drive me a bit mad to be in that situation - my mum is very quick to make comments to my brother (who is divorced) about his children when we are all together , e.g. checking they are warm enough or telling him what food to give them etc. he is a very competent parent and really does not need this input but obviously feels he cannot tell her to butt out as he is reliant on my mum at other times.

I'm confused.... what's your Friends issue with this set up that your Parents clearly have no issue with ?

I think alot of grandparents would just say yes because they don't like to say no. I know my mum has felt coerced into doing childcare she doesn't want to do. I think your friend has a point.

If everyone but your friend is happy about the situation then no one but her is being unreasonable for making a big deal about it