DH acting strangely whenever MIL is here

[feelingold101]

Ok so I have no idea if I am being completely irrational with pregnancy hormones and just need a good shake to sort my head out so am totally ready to be told IABU...

So for the last 2/3months I have absolutely dreaded my MIL coming round, this is completely unlike me, I normally get on with her famously and have no issue with her weekly visit and tbh with you I really couldn't work out why I was feeling like this... then on Wednesday she came round and was met with the same feelings of wanting her to leave/not come etc. I spent the day yesterday racking my brains and I think I know why and it has nothing to really do with her. My DH is an excellent husband and dad to our DD but for some unbeknown reason whenever his mum is here he feels the need to point out at some point how special his and DD's relationship is in one way or another, I've sort of just eye rolled over the years when he has done this and kind of felt sad for him that he feels the need to point this out to his mum in a round about way BUT now for some reason it's actually upsetting me, I think it's making me feel like I'm just a lemon standing there, obviously there's nothing special about me and her as no one feels the need to point it out ever. I know this is so ridiculous but it's making me feel like shit tbh. AIBU? If in the slight chance I'm not how can I talk to him as he isn't doing it to make me feel shit, he doing it to make himself feel better.

MudCity - Sounds like he is seeking parental approval....look at what I've done, look how hard I work, look at what I have achieved....

Damn annoying to watch / hear but this is all about his relationship with his mother and feeling the need to highlight what he does.

I think this is the truth of it. DH does similar. When DH talks to his mother about DD he always seems to mention the two things which only he does 100% of the time - the tooth brushing and reading the bedtime story, OR the time/s he's been in to her at night occasionally.

Now i think he's a great dad. He works hard out of the house all day (i'm a SAHM) and i have great respect for the fact he does his bit with her when i'd be on the floor with exhaustion after a day of what he does - but i still have a bit of a face on in the kitchen while he's in the living room telling his mum all about how he's been up all night with DD. No - you got up once. This time. You don't get up every time.

It's a funny thing. But no biggie. OP

I have always seen the funny side and rolled my eyes, DD is going on 5 so it isn't a new thing but recently since I've become pregnant it's really bothering me. As a pp said it's nothing to do with me if he feels he needs his mum to think he's the best dad in the whole world and needs to show off to do so BUT it's now starting to make me feel like I'm being painted as the not so great parent with the not so special relationship.

He's being a DICK OP... showing off in front of mommy Dearest...

Showboating pure and simple. OH used to do a bit of it in front of his family as they used still think he is the family fuck up and dont have a very high opinion of him.

He's just showing off to his mum like a little boy. Irritating, but definitely blown out of proportion due to hormones atm.

My MIL used to have the kids overnight once each long holiday (so 3-4 times per year) and used to always say that the children wanted to stay with her and not go home - she used to try to prompt the kids to say it themselves, literally feeding them cake whilst saying "You want to stay with me don't you, you don't want to go home with Mummy" It did annoy me a lot, but I had to try not to show it - how else can you react. As the children got older they had the wherewithal to say "no I do want to go home, I want to do XYZ" (usually play with a neighbour kid) or DC2 would say "but DC3 has been asking for Mummy!" . She was a lovely lady really, but our DC were her only grandchildren and she did seem to need to stake a claim to them, which wasn't particularly comfortable.

DH also used to do rather more with the kids and domestically when visitors were here - not just his parents. I think a lot of people unconsciously perform slightly!

It is annoying OP but I think you are probably more bothered by it atm than usual - it's something to respond to as you used to - eye rolling and piss taking

Have they recently had a conversation where, maybe. she's told him that, as you are pg, he needs to step up a bit, and he's just trying to prove that he has?

She may have had a quiet word along the lines, 'now feelin is expecting again she'll be more tired and need your help,' and he is just telling her that he does loads... maybe that's why you're noticing it more now?

If he’s showing off it’s likely because he didn’t get the parental approval he craved as a child so he’s trying to elicit it as an adult. I have had lots of therapy and am slowly caring less and less about her approval as I’m never going to get it.

It's a can of worms isn't it? When the child becomes a parent themselves.

Interesting to read what oldraver said. My DH is the youngest and was the 'tearaway' or 'black sheep' of the siblings. Not to a massive extent or anything mind you; bit too much drinking in his 20s. Met me and settled down. But MIL is constantly on about how he's ''turned his life around'' and ''look at him now!'' stuff all the time. (We're married, he works, we've had DD, we've just come back from Sainsbury's ... ''look at him now! Who'd have thought it?!'' )

It's nice and everything, that she's proud of him, but it's been a good 15 years since he caused them any stress. I think enough already y'know? He's nearly 40.

Reading what pp said about wanting parental approval all the time now because of the past - yes, that is what's going on. From both sides. He still wants it and they still want to give it.

My DH does similar. I think they're just keen to show they're involved and active fathers. (Not excusing it, it's bloody irritating.) I don't think it's about you though.

God OP this would make me cringe so much. Just point it out as soon as she leaves every time he does it. Hopefully you'll embarrass him to a point that he stops.

It's really odd, I have tried bringing it up in the past but he completely denies it, can't see anything wrong with the way he's worded it etc etc. That's the thing there isn't actually anything wrong with what he's saying, they aren't lies etc they are just unnecessary things to mention that he never ever normally would... fizz it is completely cringe I couldn't agree more with you.

Like a PP I wondered if his MUm has actually said something to him along the lines of him needing to especially pull his weight now you are pregnant.

I might be inclined to call him on it when he does it in front of his Mum something like 'yeah yeah we all know you are father of the year, time to stop boasting abut it now' - but ony you know whether that would be a good route to go down or would make him kick off.

But don't let it affect your relationship with your MIL, good relationships with MILs are like gold dust it would seem from some of the posts in AIBU - so it's worth hanging on to yours.

My dh is like this with his mum too. It took her staying with us for her to see that he doesn’t run the house singlehanded.

I was about to say that you need to talk to him about it but I see you've tried. So then I think you need to remove yourself from the psychodrama by not, yourself getting into feel that you are also seeking her approval IYSWIM. Try and put it in the box marked 'His Shit' and not take it to heart. I know that's hard when you yourself feel a bit insecure (as we all do)

I do wonder, however, whether there are other things he denies and can't deal with talking about.

I also wonder whether he has siblings and whether he's in some way acting out some sort of competition with you

My husband used to turn into a different person when my in-laws were around. He'd be running round tidying up, "helping" in the kitchen (couldn't bloody cook a thing, we've been together 35 years, he's started cooking in the last three) and then the kids came along and he was "super dad". I used to listen to him and wonder what my contribution was. Finally I told him there was little wonder the outlaws didn't care for me, he made me sound like a completely lazy cow.

This must be a common thing because mine does it too . Whenever family are round he turns into mr bloody tumble and has to put on a huge performance about how much he LOVES clowning around with the kids. It's so false and embarrassing

Is he telling her behind your back that he does all the work and you're not pulling your weight? And then he goes into demonstration mode?

No he definitely doesn't say anything negative about my parenting, he just feels the need to prove something to her, the ironic thing is that she already thinks he's a great dad.
I can't believe how many women have this issue with their husband, I definitely thought I was alone

Really just don’t see it as comment on you. He wants to please his mum. Many of us do. Him bigger by ha myself up does not diminish you. You can both be great parents. There doesn’t need to be competition here.