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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying Christmas presents out of control

51 replies

user1497997754 · 03/11/2017 05:08

I have decided this year to only buy one present for each person in my family and said to hubby lets just buy each other something costing no more than ten pounds. It just feels that the whiole Christmas thing is about excessive amounts of presents and the true meaning of Christmas has been lost.

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 03/11/2017 08:47

YABU for posting about Christmas presents in AIBU

I have hidden the Christmas topic to filter out this kind of dross

HTH

Yet you still clicked in the thread when it's obvious what it's about, and took time to post rather than scrolling down.

HTH

BanyanTree · 03/11/2017 08:48

OP, I am totally with you but for other reasons. Our families make zero effort with us and our DC except that is when it is Christmas and we are all supposed to play happy families and spend loads of money on grown adults who act like babies. I totally begrudge traipsing round town looking for nice presents for them. I have often gone out with a list and come back with a pair of boots for myself Grin It's not that I am a scrooge, I just hate the hypocrisy.

One year I tried to hit the reset button and everyone got really upset about it. It was a massive drama. I then decided that it was a work in progress and have toned it down year on year so that I am getting what I want and they have noticed, but haven't said anything. This year I am stopping any extras e.g. if someone says they want vouchers usually I would buy a small box of chocs to go with it, but now I am not.

Horsemad · 03/11/2017 08:52

Do the 4 gift rule:

Something you want, something you need. Something to wear and something to read. Smile

missyB1 · 03/11/2017 08:54

My ds got married this year, it hadn't even occurred to me that I might be expected to buy presents for Dil's family! I wont be doing it anyway, I'll just keep my head down and hope no one suggests it!

NewPapaGuinea · 03/11/2017 08:55

With my siblings and their husbands and wives we do a £20 secret santa. Keeps costs down, is much more fun and less stressful only having to think about 1 present.

Ausparent · 03/11/2017 09:08

There is a great essay here about gift giving and how we have been driven to try and commodify love
www.theminimalists.com/love/

You should be under no pressure at all to give gifts, as long as you make your expectations clear in advance.

We agreed to stop gift giving this year and the relief that I won't have to schlep around desperately looking for gifts for people I don't even know that well is the best gift ever!

My children get 20 gifts per year from extended family and friends, not counting anything anything from us or from Santa which is madness. We have told family that we don't expect gifts for us or the children so we know that anything sent is because someone really wants to do it rather than being obliged.

If you want to get good, easy presents, high quality socks are something which nobody will be excited about but will get a lot more value than a bit of novelty from a trolley dash at TK Maxx. I ask for socks every year and they are heavenly!

Good luck!

JustHope · 03/11/2017 09:08

And for those who say 'I like to give presents', don't you realise that the recipients may not see the gift as a nice thing, but a burden, because you giving them a present makes them feel obliged to give you one back, even if they can't afford it, or don't have the time or energy for endless shopping and present choosing.

^
This

The greatest gift someone could give me for Christmas would be freedom from the obligation to buy presents. Buying for other adults that already have everything they need and have the means to get whatever they want when they want it is just daft and pointless. It doesn’t help that I am rubbish at choosing the right thing and the whole present buying thing stresses me out.

whiskyowl · 03/11/2017 09:09

We have agreed with BIL that we will spend £20 per person this year. It's a real relief financially (we used to spend £150 per person and it was bleeding us white) and it's encouraging me to be much more creative with my present-giving. One idea that I'm very proud of is making some seed bombs for them, using seeds I snaffled from some of the dried flowers they had at their wedding a few weeks ago. Smile We still have to spend £ridiculous on PIL, but it's more manageable now.

Ragwort · 03/11/2017 09:10

And for those who say 'I like to give presents', don't you realise that the recipients may not see the gift as a nice thing,

I also agree with this statement, I have one friend from school days who still insists of exchanging gifts (we are in our late 50s Grin) - endless tat from Tiger or similar, stuff I really don't want or need - not necessarily expensive (to be honest I would rather have a £10 charity gift or book token) but little 'things' that teenagers would probably like.

Fortunately I volunteer in a charity shop so I can redistribute it all there - you would be amazed at the amount of 'unwanted presents' are donated to charity shops after Christmas, some still with half ripped off wrapping paper - the recipient has seen what it is and just didn't want it Sad.

MatildaTheCat · 03/11/2017 09:24

Last year amongst the wider family we organised a secret Santa which had to be purchased at a charity shop and cost no more than £15. The unwrapping was completely classic, we’ve not laughed so much for years.

Highly recommended. It also brought several family members into charity shops for the first ever time and they were quite amazed by the treasures within.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/11/2017 09:26

I think if you have a big adult family, and you don't want to completely give up buying presents, an in-family secret santa is a good idea.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/11/2017 09:26

(ie everyone only has to buy one present, and gets one present!)

MrsExpo · 03/11/2017 09:28

Send a message round to everyone and tell them you will be buying only for anyone under the age of 18, and one modest gift at that. Give strict instructions that you expect the same and that any excess gifts will be politely returned. They'll get the message eventually! We gave up buying reciprocal gifts for adults years ago and DH and I won't be getting anything for each other this year either. The freedom it brings (to say nothing of the financial relief) is enormous.

sizeofalentil · 03/11/2017 10:02

YANBU.

Expecting our first baby on Christmas day so have asked my side of the family (not sure what DH has asked ILs) to only buy for the baby.

Find the amount of stuff we're given each year quite stressful. It's all nice, but… It's not needed and I have to find a space to put it.

Tried asking for just plants one year, but still ended up with loads of 'little bits'.

Find it all so wasteful.

BanyanTree · 03/11/2017 11:40

I am loving the posts on here and it is making me feel really assertive about bringing up gift giving again this year.

I have been successful in telling my relatives that my DC don't need anything and they get bits of money which I confiscate and put into their accounts.

BanyanTree · 03/11/2017 11:41

sizeof

I strongly recommend you tell your family to buy your baby something very small and then put £10 (or whatever) into their bank account. I promise you that is you do this your child will have thousands by the time they are 18!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/11/2017 11:42

Just a word of warning. If you are going to do this then you really need to do it ASAP.

It's only 7 weeks until Christmas and quite a few people will have started shopping already.

We are cutting back this year, but had the conversation with people in the summer.

thecatsthecats · 03/11/2017 11:54

I was astonished to sit down to lunch a couple of days after Christmas a year or two ago with my friends (mid twenties). One of them complimented my necklace, and said she had the same one. I said thanks, it was a present from my parents. She sort of wrinkled her nose, smirked, and said sarcastically 'oh, yep, it was really expensive'. Clearly meaning it wasn't. Then she and another friend started talking at length about the designer perfumes etc they had had from their families.

It was all rather pathetic. I still have the necklace, it's still one of my favourites. I do like to keep up buying of gifts for core people (family and best friends), but I stick to the principle of getting a 'naice' version of thing that they need, and ask for the same (if asked!). Like I need a hairbrush, would spend a couple of quid for myself, but I'd ask for a naice one from my fiance (his pick!).

Floralnomad · 03/11/2017 12:01

YABU , if you go down the road of buying people things like save the whale / donkeys etc , just tell people you won’t be buying presents and are giving a donation to charity instead but don’t do it in the guise of being a gift for someone else . YANBU to only spend what you can afford on presents and keep the costs low .

JustHope · 03/11/2017 14:38

My siblings and I have agreed a few years ago not to do Christmas presents ans we only buy for nieces and nephews. Unfortunately we haven’t managed to get SIL on board yet. Although a married mum in her 40s she still expects presents and a stocking done by her mummy and daddy🙄

Witchend · 03/11/2017 16:13

I like to buy presents for the children. They get a lot of things for Christmas. But a lot of them are things they need anyway. So often they'll have school stationary, underwear, new toothbrush, clothes-all things they would have anyway. So they get what looks like a reasonable amount of presents, but not at a lot of extra expense. Eldest is 17yo and is fine with that. We don't spend a lot of money on them over the year so it works out well.

Unfortunately we haven’t managed to get SIL on board yet. Although a married mum in her 40s she still expects presents and a stocking done by her mummy and daddy I would say that's none of your business as that's her family. What her family does is up to them,; they don't have to mirror your family. In fact, if you think she should, why doesn't your family mirror her's, it's just as logical?

Snailo · 03/11/2017 16:23

ArcheryAnnie we do a family secret Santa Fe both mine and DH's (antipodean) families. However the spend is supposed to be £50pp which is ridiculous IMO. I am going to suggest a £20 limit pp this year and am steeling myself... I don't really know how to phrase it. My siblings (and ILs) are a lot better off than we are.

Snailo · 03/11/2017 16:23

Santa Fe?! Sadly I will not be holidaying in Mexico this Christmas, bloody autocorrect!

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 03/11/2017 17:09

We have a sibling secret santa which has turned into an exchange of vouchers (or amongst DHs brothers a straight up exchange of equal amounts of cash) Confused

I don't get it and the stress of buying all these vouchers so I can get equally valued but different vouchers in exchange takes away from Xmas - a time of year I otherwise love.

I suggested we stop the madness but was shot down by my sister who similar to above expects lots of gifts despite the fact she's well off and can/does buy whatever she wants when she wants it

I look be the NUPP. I might just send that link around the family whatsapps

Bonosglasses · 03/11/2017 17:11

We spend £5 on siblings, older nephews and nieces (21+) and £15 on younger nephew and nieces. It gets too much otherwise. And this year me and dh aren't buying each other presents as such, we're buying vouchers for afternoon tea, cinema gift cards, a cocktail making class and going out for a naice meal. We don't need anything and think we'll have fun having some time together