To confront Ex about 'babysitting'???

[user9217]

This is long hope it makes sense!!!

Basically, ExH has started to accept, suggest and even offer babysitting for our DS (10 months - where he will come over, give dinner put to bed and listen out for him til I get home etc)

But recently when I’ve asked him if he wants to/can do it I just get a reply of ‘no’ no reason or anything just a straight ‘no’ but he often whinges at me if He finds out that my mum or best friend has babysat for me to take extra shift(s) at Work or go out etc. But I ask him and he just says no all the time after saying he wants to/will do it?!

So my AIBU is, wanting to go out next Saturday afternoon to the cinema with some friends, an also ask him to do a date in early December for Work xmas so if he says no to either/both of them do I say anything? And what do I say?

I feel it’s unfair that he already does hardly anything because he works/has a life etc - but then so do I?!! I just feel like f he doesn’t actually want to do it then he shouldn’t offer/suggest it?!
Help please!!!

Most previous replies have already covered my general opinion.

But with regards to the specific question of whether you should ask him to babysit, it would depend on how you think he would react - is he likely to be spiteful and deliberately try to disrupt your plans?

The reason i ask is that you could say you have plans for Saturday, but would like to offer him first chance to spend time with his DS. This way he can’t complain or “whinge” if you then get mum or friend to babysit when he says no.

Of course, this approach won’t work if he is likely to try and scupper your Saturday afternoon.

Like others have said, looking further ahead I think you need a better long term arrangement that suits everyone and stick to it. He seems to only be a father when the mood takes him from the way it sounds

I wouldn't bother about the babysitting thing, you're just giving him the opportunity to fuck with you/your plans.

But what I really would do is stop him coming to yours for contact. He really should leave the house with your ds - yes it will be difficult for him and it will take them both a while to get used to it, but it isn't giving him a taste of real parenting until he has done that.

If you're lucky it'll prompt him to get his act together ad be a better dad, or he'll drop contact and lets be honest, if that's going to happen, it's better sooner than later.

@just5morepeas I do agree, Defo, but the main reason we’ve left it for now is he currently lives with his mum and her partner and some other lodgers too and are moving before xmas. So I suggested waiting til they were settled in in their new place before introducing DS to a place he’s never gonna see again then start all over. He happily agreed to this after having badgered me about taking him home for months. He literally only wants to take him home to palm off onto other people his mum, visiting relatives etc it’s just not fair on DS

Sounds like he makes the right noises about parenting but doesn’t actually want to. Do think the offers and complaining when you arrange something else to cover his share of parenting is because he knows how shit it looks to others, his Mum for example? Would she complain that your Mother has had baby more than she has, and tells her son it’s nit right, so he makes the right noise and then says no when you ask him?

He isn’t a babysitter, he is a parent and should be parenting way more than he is. Sorry for you and your baby

Only you can say if Ex’s place is suitable for DS to spend time. But I wouldn’t rule out him visiting there just because he’s moving soon.

This could be a great opportunity for DS to spend time with and build a bond with ex’s side of the family. The moving thing could be fun and a valuable experience too. It could teach him that circumstances and personal living arrangements change, but he is involved and remains in parents life. Could be useful learning opportunity actually.

That said, if ex’s family and lodgers are not suitable/or you don’t feel comfortable with them then obviously this wouldn’t work. It also relies on Ex stepping up a bit more. But could work - just an idea.

@DoubleDinghyRapids ordinarily yes that’s exactly it but in this case, she doesn’t care just as much as he doesn’t and she’s have no way of telling what was being said to me/by me

Oh. Just reread your initial OP. DS is 10 months?
Forget my last idea.

If you arranged contact to be at a Contact Centre then you wouldn't need to worry about your child being neglected when in the company of its father. Other adults would be there to ensure no danger to the child and maybe even help him learn how to be a parent. Find a time that suits you. Then, you turn up, if he is there, leave the child and if he is not, go home. Just don't book anything for that time. That keeps him out of your home but maintains you offering a relationship to be formed with your child and so you are still the good guy.

An update for anyone still around (😂) exh came this morning and I mentioned both babysitting dates (next Saturday and 9 December) and he said next Saturday was fine and he ‘couldn’t see a problem with 9 December atm) which prob means he will flake out last minute. But I have other options which he knows so probably won’t bother him either way!

Ah, men who 'babysit' their own children. Tossers. I was with one, whenever I had rare plans, he would want takeaway money for the big favour of 'babysitting' his own kid. When we split up, I drew a line under the sporadic 'babysitting' stints as DD needs fixed plans and consistency. Sure enough he disappeared for a couple of years. He then seemed to grow up and has been having her regularly at his once a week doing a spot of parenting as opposed to babysitting, for the past few years. I make my plans to coincide with that.

Yeah to be fair we just call it babysitting cause it’s easier than saying ‘come round and sit with your child til he goes to sleep’ every time!!! Did your ex ever give a reason for disappearing??

He just wasn't that fussed. It was for the best that he didn't bother, children always know when parents can't really be bothered and it's horrible. Routine works for us, whatever works for you is also good, I just hate the mindset of babysitting. It's parenting or nothing for me.

@questionbasket problem is mine doesn’t have a clue how to parent. He’s never done it!!! He sees him for 8 hours a month. A month!!!! I do more than 8 hours in a day with my DS. He just has no idea 🙁🙁

Eventually you need to stop contact being in your home!! I suggest once he’s moved that’s it he takes him out the house for x hours. He doesn’t like it, tough he can take you to court...

Yes we will do. He gave me his moving date yesterday and it’s the end of this month only round the corner (🙄🙄🙄) so will start doing it as he demanded the other week to take DS all day Boxing Day 🤔🤔

Well he needs to start practicing then- twice a week at his house then building up to full days!

That’s what I said! I agreed weeks ago to take DS to his house for a couple of hours on a Saturday and his reply was ‘well no cause my mums on holiday’ erm so what?! You either want to see your son or not?!