To get annoyed at people's flakiness over arrangements

[Flakester]

OK, this is probably limited to just me, but I can't help getting irritated when friends are really non-committal/ go quiet on me r.e. arrangements that are 'not set in stone but are provisionally planned' IYSWIM.
One example recently is a friend who suggested meeting up for lunch. I said OK, but it wasn't agreed absolutely, absolutely definitely. I then texted her to ask whether we were still on for that day, I receive a text two days later (the night before the potential lunch date) to say 'no can do'. This is a recurring theme btw, not a one-off. Love her dearly, but it does get right on my norks.
Then this evening, another mate I was sposed to be meeting tomorrow (it was a maybe, again not set in stone), told me that he couldn't meet up but could meet some other time next week. Only after prompting though...
Why does it vex me ? I'm a complete walking disaster zone myself when it comes to arrangements, so I'm hardly in a position to judge, but please someone tell me I'm not alone on this one!?? I know, I know, I need to chill....

Why don't you make firm arrangements at the time ? I find that if something is tentative in my head that I don't attach much importance to it and I guess I would feel free to cancel - as I would assume you would also if arrangement was only tentative !

Never count your chickens until it's in the diary I say !

You're right SB. I think it's just annoying when it happens time and time again. I obviously need to assume that I won't be meeting until I hear otherwise.

I know I'm being unreasonable/ irrational - I just can't help myself goddamnit

are you being unreasonable to get annoyed that provisional aarrangements are provisional????

erm... yes! tis the way of things until you make them firm!

People's flakiness in this department is a constant bug bear to me. When I lived in Spain I tried to adopt the national standard (be at least half an hour late to any appointment) and whenever I did it, inevitably whoever I was meeting would be really cross as they'd pulled out all the stops to get there on time "because you always do". Ha!

I don't believe in 'not set in stone' arrangements. Fine to decide on the venue/exact plan near the day when you know what the weather is going to be like, but either you are meeting or you are not meeting. End of.

I know what you mean though. If I arrange to meet up with friends even if it's only provisional I'll diary it & arrange other stuff round it so I can make it. But if they then say they can't make it I sometimes feel a bit pissed off - like they haven't tried very hard to make it when I have! So I must be unreasonable/irrational too

We always make a definite date then confirm/cancel on the day or day before.

That way it always gets written on the calendar.

Provisional dates are forgotten (by me at least) because I don't feel the need to rush and find a pen to write it down.

i don't make provisional dates. what's the point?

I didn't even know people DID provisional dates. When I make an appointment, that is it.
Be more firm ? Drop the unreliable friends ?
Sounds harsh, but why are you wasting your time ?

This happens to me. Always say well we'll be there at whatever time it is then come rain or shine. (Probably sound quite desperate for friendship!) Half the time they then don't show. Always feel terrible for ds because obviously he's been expecting to see his friend. We'll then end up doing whatever it was on our own.
I understand that every so often something'll happen beyond our control, but I can only think of one occasion when it's happened to me in 3 1/2 years of trying to meet up with other mums during the day.
Find it upsetting because it really underlines the fact that the majority of people you spend your days with aren't your real do anything for you type friends. Makes me feel quite isolated and lonely when it happens.

argh...to the op...seriously gets to me...and have not made arrangements with such freinds n a while. dispte really liking them...btu can't be bothered to try and get myself and Kids ready only to be stood up....

I have a few mates like this and I am exactly the same with them. If something else comes up at short notice, its cool to cancel and they know they do it themselves, so there's no problemo. (Also I noticed that I became a little more this way after having a baby, I was so disorganised for a while!)

However, I've also got some reliable mates, who will be there come rain or shine or communicate with you in advance! I treat them as they treat me and do the same. I would never dream of being flaky to a non flaky friend!
I think that the flakiness is down to a certain lack of structure in people's lives. Perhaps they don't have things to adhere to, like work or professional commitments. I don't think it reflects on the person who they do it to, in my opinion, if they do it to you, they certainly do it to other people.

Would start taking what they say with a pinch of salt. And not telling little one until you know its definitely going to happen, that way it can be a nice surprise rather than a disapointment.

I cannot deal with tentative arrangements at all. Some people disregard them utterly, others set them in stone. I am the latter, and get really cross when other peole do the former. If you make a firm arrangement in the first place then you can justifyably get cross when others disregard.