AIBU

[justejessie]

essie Wed 01-Nov-17 23:50:01
Ok sorry in advance as a long one but need some advice!!!!
12 years ago after a long court case ( domestic violence /contact ) I changed my name . Firstly for safety and secondly after talking with victim support etc. I suffer still from ptsd but it really did help being able to change my name after the court case to make it feel like it was a part of my life that was over and this was the new me , new start sort of thing..
All great except my mother refuses and still calls me by previous name even infront of others who only know me as my new name! I have tried many times to explain and her reply has always been ‘ohhhh well that’s not the name I gave you’ or ‘ well , if he was that bothered he would have found you by now!’
Well last night I lost it !!!! In a family group chat she said ‘I will see you on a Saturday **’ I then wrote my new name to which she said all the ‘thats not the name I gave you’ etc etc ...... I said that I hadn’t changed my name for fun and that even hearing my old name makes me feel physically sick and triggers my ptsd etc to which she just replied ‘ oh!!!!’ I said that she knew all this and the reasons etc and now she hasn’t replied ! I’ve tried for sooo long and asked nicely but it’s all about her and what she named me when born! Aibu to want this? I’d rather her not call me anything but it’s like she makes a point of using it ! She was suppose too be meeting my partner for the 1st time Saturday (if she still comes) and although he knows about my past I’m feeling really anxious as she also likes to make sarcastic little comments about me and thinks it’s a joke.
I’m sorry to go on but I’m bloody 48 and feel strange as it’s the first time I’ve stood up the her. She has always been very dominating and loud and her opinion is always RIGHT and I just can’t handle it x

YANBU
I understand your mother at birth gave you a name.
But you haven't changed your name as a fashion statement. Its from a place of fear.

I know you exploded on your mum (and i get why)
But do you think of you could calmly write her a letter with all the thoughs and feeling regarding your name change etc.
Your mum will be able to re-read it and let your feeling sink in and there is no anger or friction from either side.

Well done for standing up to her!

Perhaps it's time to give her an ultimatum, she either calls you by the name you have now, or you won't see/speak to her any more.

Give her a ring tomorrow and ask her if she's coming on Saturday, and lay done the ground rules. Don't text it, or she might show the text to others, without the background, to play the 'woe is me, look how nasty my daughter is' card.

YANBU
You've been through enough and you shouldn't have to put up with more, what your mum is doing is passive aggressive, pretending she's joking but hurting you nevertheless. I agree with Motoko, lay down ground rules, it's your life.

YANBU. You've been a victim of abuse, instead of supporting you she's been hurting your feelings on purpose. She's been abusive too. Wellsobedkr givibfher a telling off, she needed it.

Thank you . I think because she has always been so overpowering I just find it so difficult and have just let her say and do as she likes to keep the peace and found that I’ve just distanced myself from her to avoid it. I guess this is why I’m feeling so anxious for Saturday as I never know what to reply to her. Thank you though for taking the time to reply xx

I knew someone in your situation. It's not you, don't worry- the person has since passed away. But she was so on edge, terrified all the time. The things that bastard put her through makes me cry to think of it.
We all supported her, called her by her new name. It was odd to get used to, but it protected her from her past and very real dangers. So we'd be sitting in the pub chatting about having seen jo (not actual name) at the weekend, all having a jolly time when the scum walked in. Hearing jo would mean nothing- he didn't know me anyway, but for her it meant her name wasn't brought near him.
Her new real name gave her a freedom that can't be described. It lifted her and made her feel (and actually made her) safe.
That your mum isn't respecting that concerns me. She's only thinking about how she feels. How would she feel if you were unsafe physically or mentally because of her? I'd pose that to her. She can either call you by your name or have no contact. She is making you ill. She can't be allowed to continue. I am so sorry for all you've been through, believe me when I say this- you have strength most don't. You're amazing

Bless you . That made me fill up x I’m so glad that your friend found her freedom x My Mother never showed any interest and not once in those 2 years came to court with me but on saying that we always had the parents who if you got picked on at school would always say ‘ well you must have done something for them to do that ‘ etc . In the years since court I was unlucky enough to find my self in another abusive relationship although not the same and her remark was ‘ I wouldn’t bother with men if I was you , you’re no good at it!’ . I have had a lot of counselling etc since and finally met a man and for the first time in my life feel happier than ever and find it quite strange to actually feel ‘loved ‘ I’ve tried to avoid him meeting her for a few months as I’m dreading what little digs she may have as I never know how to respond . Thank you soooo very much for your kind words and I truly hope your friend found her happiness as well as her freedom xx

She lost everything but those who loved her. I miss her everyday.
How low contact can you go? Because it would be safer for you to go minimal or no contact. You don't need to introduce your partner to her. Don't let her taint it.
People like this think they have the answers to life's problems. They cause more hurt than they ever attempt to solve. They consider nobody but themselves. I know hearing that about your mum is hard, but you are someone she made. You're not someone she gets to control or unload her shitty behaviour onto.
I'm not telling you what to do either way. But you're doing brilliantly, don't let her hold you back

Thats awful OP. Its for a totally valid reason you did this and ridiculous of her to continue to upset you. She sounds totally toxic and isnt going to add anything positive into your life. Id second the minimal contact ( if any ). You dont need to be brought down by someone who should love you unconditionally.

I hate to say it, OP, but your Mum sounds like a selfish, judgemental cow! I"m amazed you haven't 'lost it' with her before. DO yo really want to see her on Saturday? I think you'd be perfectly within your rights to ask her not to come.

Well your Mum certainly set you up to be more likely to end up in an abusive relationship, well done to her.

You will find it so liberating to finally stand up to your original abuser, it will be worth the L (or No) C.

Stop being nice. Who the hell does she think she is? Your Mother? Well, if she wants to pull rank, she has responsibilities to fulfill first and she has and is failing at them.

I put a stop to my Mother's continual sarcasm by challenging it. Sarcasm destroys self esteem when it comes from a Parent. It's gets stopped or she shuts up (my Mother would do the "I won't speak then" like be.

OP, now you are finding strength, I would have a serious think about how you want things to continue with her.

I am so sorry that your Mum is not respecting your choices op, I can sympathise with her, as I love my daughter and her name is very much a part of who she is. However I love her, much more than her name! And if she had a genuine reason, like yours to change it, I would do everything I could to support her!

I wonder, is there a diminutive of your new name, or a pet name that only she can call you? She likely doesn't realise the emotional impact that hearing your old name has on you. If she does, yet continues to knowingly hurt and disrespect you, that is deliberately cruel! Does your Mother have any narcissistic qualities? Her determination to continue to use your given name over your chosen name, makes me wonder if she enjoys using it to control you! If this is the case, then I would consider having a think, about further distancing yourself from your Mother!

I wish you a lovely future with your new partner! As others have said, you have no obligation to have your dm meet your new partner. Although it might be nice to have a partner who does know how to respond, in those situations! Forewarned is forearmed!

I suppose a name is the first thing you give a child and changing it is also a rejection of her. That said, your latter posts explain why. Don't be drawn into reacting. Fire needs oxygen, just stop fanning it. Just keep repeating "I choose to be called Essy now".

And I've reread you post, you're 48 so I assume you mother is into her 70's - would it be a step too far to say "Mother! My name is Essy, people will think you have senility if you keep calling me Mary!"

Well it's easy to see why you ended up with abusive men.
You mother set the tone during your upbringing.
What does she bring to your life now?
Anything good at all?
If not, then please do go minimal contact.
You don't need this on top of everything else.
You are doing so well, don't let her bring you down again!