To feel jealous of my younger sister?

[Fianceechickie]

Does anyone else feel their sibling has just been luckier/made more of a success in life and feel jealous? I don’t dislike her for it but can’t help feeling she’s in so much better a place. Her DH has just started a new business, they’ve just had a huge extension to their lovely big house in picturesque expensive village yet still seem dripping in cash. They will inherit huge sum from his parents eventually. She works 2.5 days a week but is paid really well and enjoys her job and has done really well. They’ve three gorgeous perfect kids and have been happily married for 10 years. They have a great social life and loads of friends. I am recently remarried after divorce 10 years ago, have a blended family which has been tricky, no career since having to leave two consecutive jobs in teaching due to conditions at work affecting my mental health, we are always struggling for money and I don’t seem to have any real friends/social life. A lot of it seems bad luck but can’t escape from having made bad decisions/screwed things up. My sister never has though. All her choices in life have worked out well, no big disasters.

My sister thinks I am the lucky one (I am the eldest of 4) whereas I think I made better choices than she did.

I keep being pulled back to the old saying - "only ever look at your friend's plate to see if they have enough" - i.e. don't compare what you have to what they have - it is meaningless- especially if you have enough.

One of my siblings seems to be very jealous of the rest of us, thinking we're lucky to be doing okay and have happy lives and that as a result we collectively, and our parents, owe him and his wife.

No one seems to know why. Between the rest of three siblings we've had one person kicked out of school for a drug issues, a nasty divorce, 6 or 7 redundancies, various health issues, two lots of blended families, awful fertility issues and the usual stressful but less exciting ups and downs of adult life.

We all earn more than him but two of us have degrees and another has professional qualifications, while he started and dropped out of 3 different courses and has never finished anything. 2 of us have mortgages but he's never stuck with anything long enough to save any money. All of us and our partners work full time while he works part time and his wife didn't work, entirely through choice, for about 10 years.

He's had some genuinely bad luck over the last couple of years and we've all rallied round and supported them. But his entitlement goes back way before that - borrowing money and not paying it back, expecting us to pay for stuff for all of them, assuming we'll arrange everything for them, never saying thank you and just assuming someone else will sort it.

It's honestly a mystery where he gets his attitude from and it pisses everyone right off.

No two people ever have the same upbringing, but he's had all the same opportunities as the rest of, and more, and it's never enough. He expects us to suck it up when bad things happen to us. He expects us to handle it all when something bad happens to him.

I used to be jealous of one of my younger sisters - she had everything - looks, personality, loads of friends, cool job, then an awesome husband who showered her with gifts, always off on holiday, new cars, jewellery, big house, ponies for kids etc. Til I realised its all done on credit - they have no savings, live on their overdraft, and talk everything up like its the best thing since sliced bread!!

Dont get me wrong, they both work hard - BIL has his own business, Sister works part in office part at home, but I dont envy her anymore. I realised that I'm happier with my life however crap it sometimes seems - I know that I dont owe money (except mortgage!), that I have three amazing kids who I am so proud of every single day, and that I have a group of people who really seem to like me for who I am rather than what I possess.

Dont waste your life envying others their luxuries - chances are its on credit or the luxuries are hiding some other kind of misery

karriecreamer

It's nice to hear a real life success story like yours!

I left school with crap qualifications (my own fault), went to college in the evenings at 24 (2014) for two years to get an HNC, then took direct entry to the final year of a degree which I hope to complete this summer. I now have a conditional offer for a masters, starting in September.

I'm doing all of this around my full time job and it's knackering but I'm glad to hear that good things can come from it if I put in the work!

junebirthdaygirl
She is though, she is a horrible person and treats people like dirt

No one's life is perfect. The grass always looks greener. Make your own happiness for you.

No point feeling jealous, other peoples lives are never as they would like you to believe. For all you know he might be having an affair or abusing her they might have debts you dont know about, serious health problems anything! You just dont know.
Concentrate instead on what you have and remember that the most important thing is your health. Look at changing the things you can, you dont have to be stuck in that job, apply for other things out of teaching and concentrate on your own life.

I’m that sister I think. My life obviously isn’t perfect but has all the trappings you describe in respect of kids house family etc which she doesn’t. I was always seen as the clever one and it has caused a lot of resentment and difficulties in our relationship which make me sad. We can’t be close while she feels this way.

I'm glad she doesn't know how youfeel, because that can really harm relationships.

I have a friend who thinks I have a charmed life. I have a lovely DH, DS, am financially solvent. What she does not see is that I have depression, anxiety, am a recovering alcoholic, and have been hospitalised for serious self harm. On paper everything is perfect, but underneath it all there is alot more going on that I can't describe. But, my friend - after 20 years of friendship and who should know me better than that-has started being resentful and sarcastic of me. and makes snide comments about ;'Oh Smellie has fallen on her feet again'. It's desperately hurtful. Not least because I have been there for her for years when she is going through her own shit.

It's human nature to have a bit of jealousy as long as you don't act on it to become a GREEN EYED MONSTER. The usual cliche of happiness comes from within is true. You would think the one who have everything including their looks, branded stuffs(LV, Prada, etc) and a well off husband would be happy and comfortable . Unfortunately, that's not the case for my sister. I never understood why she's often jealous and stole from me when we used to stay under one roof. The one who doesn't care about owning branded/luxurious goods and am comfortable in my own skin even when friends keep saying to me "Wow, your sister is so pretty." It does get annoying but I just say Yes, she is and inwardly says to myself, If only you knew the real her. I don't know why she have it for me (I do have other siblings) but my guess is because I don't put her on a pedestal and treats everyone the same.

SomethingNewToday
Anyone mentioned that comparison is the thief of joy?

I hate trotting out such an awful cliche but it really is. Stop thinking about what your sister has and think about what you do.

Exactly this. You are working, which is better than no job. You have a home, which is better than no home. You have a husband, which is better than facing all this on your own. You have children, which some people can't. You have wages coming in which is better than struggling on benefits, and you can always go out and make more friends, or go out with your DH.

Try looking at things from a different perspective. Also, your sister & her DH could be in debt up to their eyeballs, the could hate each other in private and their kids be little bastards when no in front of other people and her friends might all secretly hate her. Or despite all outward appearances, she might really detest her life for some reason. You never know.

But I'd still say try looking at things from another angle and try to be happy for your sister. Happiness & positive mental attitude are contagious :D

My sister was more intelligent, more sociable, more everything. I was the disappointment. Then she died in a car crash. I think I got the better deal.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. It really helps me get some perspective. I think, in part, though have I am quite a positive person, I’ve just got a bit fed up of life giving me lemons! My mum also feels like my sis has had all the luck. I was always praised, and still am, in private obviously as the harder working, pleasant and easy daughter and my mum will say how lucky my sis has been. She also seems jealous of her! Mum buoys me up when things go wrong and has been a great support with all the stuff that’s gone wrong whether my fault or not! My Nan and dad similar though my Nan will say I never should have gone in to teaching, never should have married first DH. My 2nd DH is quite pessimistic and also feels resentful of the better position on my sis and BIL. BIL is constantly praised by everyone for just being generally amazing! I’m the one in our relationship who has to be positive and keep us moving forward when things don’t go our way!

Your last sentence, Five's Keep On Moving pops to my mind . It can be a burden/tiring being the glue, so it's okay to have time out and give yourself a treat once in a while. Don't forget to make time for yourself.

Oh gosh you are very passive 'things don't go our way,' 'things go wrong', 'life giving me lemons' I think you could really change your life if you took con!

Nothing your sister has has taken anything away from you. It’s not a competition. You are family, what has she done to hurt you?

You are only hurting yourself with your jealousy. Do something positive to improve your own life and spend less time thinking about her.

My sister says the same about me, that I’m lucky. She doesn’t see the hard work to get here. She doesn’t see the aggressive saving, the sacrifices, the terrible jobs and commutes I endured on my way up, or the risks I took, she just sees the end result and feels inadequate. Anyone can do well if they have the drive, and you do make your own luck.

Life isn't fair, and things can change in a moment.