To expect him to do more?

[Salemslot789]

I have a 4 month old little boy and a husband that basically does nothing around the home, his sole job is to go to work and come home.DS has been irritable for a few weeks and won't settle so I'm stressed and tired. DH sleeps in the third bedroom so he's not disturbed during night feeds and can go to work without feeling tired. I agreed to this when DS was born but I now regret it. I have no help with chores around the house,everything is left to me and I get no break in the evenings or at weekends. DH will hold DS for an hour in the evenings so I can quickly shower and make dinner but after that DS is back to me. DH won't give him a bottle as he said he can't wind him properly, he won't change his nappy as he makes a meal out of it and I only end up having to take over anyway, so doesn't really do anything at all for our son. He can't even settle him when he cries, just lets him sit there crying on his lap until I can't bear it anymore and take him off him. It breaks my heart to hear my little boy cry, and I think DH knows this and uses it.

AIBU to expect more from him? I know he works full time and he's tired from work but I'm tired too and DS is both of our responsibility. DS is starting to become clingy with me and I worry it's because he has no emotional attachment to DH. This is not the loving family unit I pictured us being when we started TTC, and I feel such disappointment.

DHs father died earlier this year and I know its having an impact which is why I've been lenient with him on slacking with his parenting duties, but when do I say enough is enough? We moved away from where I grew up so I have no close friends or family for support and I feel so alone. And I feel desperately sorry for my little boy who doesn't seem to have any sort of attachment to his father yet.

Please don't tell me to LTB as I love him and my life would be so much worse without him, and I would never leave him while he is grieving for his father (FWIW, he is usually a very loving man and would've been a brilliant dad but losing his father has changed him). I just want him to be a better parent to DS but don't know how to get him to help me more. I've asked him in many ways but it always ends in a blazing row. Sorry if this is rambled but I'm so sleep deprived and stressed and I don't know what to do,

I've asked him in many ways but it always ends in a blazing row.

He should certainly be doing his share in the evenings and at weekends.

What exactly does he say when you ask for more of a contribution?

Do you ask him to do specific things, like "could you take the bins out, dear"? How does he respond?

He just complains that he’s too tired or he’ll do it an make a complete mess of it (on purpose I think). I could handle doing all of the chores (I’ve been doing it myself for years) but him not helping with DS is making me feel low. I ask him to watch the baby if I want to take a bath but
I can hear DH getting stressy with him if he cries, which makes me just want to take DS away from him. He’s got no patience with the baby and it makes me so sad for DS.

I’ve tried to show him how to change a nappy properly and make up a feed but he’s not listening and then pretends to not know how to do it when it comes to feeding or changing time.

At least he could do some cooking and cleaning. My DF died when I was expecting DS, I still had to get on with being a parent!

Is the baby formula fed?

If so take a day off!

Prep the bottles and leave!

I can’t Beans, I can’t leave my DS with someone that’s going to get frustrated with his crying and not know how to comfort him. My heart won’t let me.

As you well know, nappies are not exactly rocket science! You have also managed to learn them straightaway, I presume.
On that front, just keep making sure it is his turn regularly and don't intervene - if he actually asks for help, direct but don't take over and touch the nappy and be slightly pitying that he "can't remember" or "can't do it". He obviously just needs to practice if he can't get it right - in particular he can practice doing two changes in a row so he gets the consequence of not putting it on properly the first time.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers- he isn't pulling his weight at all.

You need him to help, every time you broach the subject it ends in a blazing row but you don't want to LTB because you're in denial about the fact that you do not have a loving relationship.

What do you want to gain from this thread? Your OH is a selfish bastard who isn't pulling his weight as a husband or a father but you don't appear to be able to discuss it?

Personally I would pack a bag and move to my parents until he pulled his head out of his arse.

Yeh altho it's sad he's not bonding.. that may still come. Baby is still only 4 months old. Having said that I would fwelxexacrly the same as you. But as for not doing housework cooking etc. Well that's beyond the pale. He should most defiantly pull his finger out with that. Was he lazy before baby came along?

It's not difficult to change a nappy or make up a feed, and the only way he's going to learn is by doing it. Keep asking him to do it- in fact don't ask, just tell him "your turn!" But don't be critical or try to help. What's the worse that can happen? The nappy will leak and he'll just have to do it again!

I know it's hard to let him deal with your baby fussing but you've really got to try. I know leaving him is hard but it will be worth it in the end.
My partner works a full time job but does everything with our twins that I do. From the minute he walks in he pretty much takes a baby so we have one each or if I have things to do then he sits with both of them.
He will openly admit that he enjoys it now they are crawling around and playing but he still got involved before that started.
Maybe leave your baby with dad for an hour while you pop to the shops. Your hubby needs to learn how to do things his own way and he might find it easier when he doesn't have you as back up to sweep in and take over.
Point out to him he'll never be able to do anything if he doesn't learn and practice.
Even if he just goes for a walk while you have a bath so you don't have one ear out for crying.
It's really hard to let go even if you wish he would just get on with it.
Good luck 💐

Frilly - I’m not in denial about not having a loving relationship. I said in the OP that he is usually a very loving guy but after he lost his father he has changed. What I want from this thread is advice on whether he should be doing more, or if I am being harsh in expecting more when he’s just lost a parent (in traumatic circumstances, I might add). It’s easy for everyone to say I need to force him to help or just leave him, but it’s the bereavement that makes the situation difficult.

My advice would be that with the bereavement, making him do more to engage with his own child and to support you as the mother would be beneficial for his mental health. Rather than feeling useless or having plenty of headspace to wallow in negative emotions, let him know you need his help in no uncertain terms. Need not want!

Get him in the main bedroom for a few nights so he can see what you're dealing with. A good reality check works wonders.

Unclear - I meant that by engaging with his wife and child he will not have as much opportunity for wallowing going on.

Your partner should be doing more, a lot more.
However it does sound like you intervene on the odd occasion he's tried to do something and taken over; you need to stop doing that.

He changes the nappy, feeds & winds, bathes, soothes the baby alone.

He's doing the classic can't be arsed to bother because the wife will take over if I look helpless act. He's a lazy arse.

Could he have depression op? You say the bereavement had changed him, does he need professional support to work through the grief?

It is hard to people to connect when they are carrying around those emotions of hopelessness...

It is something to consider

I do agree he needs to support you alot more than he is currently doing but maybe you could consider what might be stopping him from doing so xx

@Salemslot789 I know it’s hard...

I have a 2yr old and a 7 month old. I breastfeed so a lot harder to leave... but my DH is ace these days.

I didn’t mean leave them alone for hours... but one hour away isn’t that long.

I do it now... I just feed before I leave. And go away for one whole hour to myself! It’s fab! He’s learned to cope on his own with the children and does things his way... which out of my sight I don’t mind. You’ll be surprised how well he will cope because you aren’t there to take over.... he will have no choice.

Unless he’s a cold bastard... I suspect he will do whatever in his power to comfort his child. Do it at the weekend... so not the end of his work day when he can complain he’s tired.

As to the rest of the house... I’d stop doing things for him. Honestly working isn’t an excuse to skimp on doing things around the house! What about working mums?!

I’d suggest, you suggest he see someone to help with his bereavement. I can imagine it’s not easy. But he needs to realise he has a family that needs more than a financial commitment.

He should be doing more but you know that.
Bereavement is not an excuse for abdicating your responsibilities to your dependant children and your doing him no favours.

I agree with RemainOptimistic.

I was in a (very vaguely) similar situation and tbh it was only around the 12m point that father and child started bonding really properly. At 4m they didn't interact much at all (father did/does lots of cooking/housework but I basically did all the parenting), but they have a pretty awesome relationship now. And father is much more hands-on - a pretty decent father on the whole. But it did take basically a year. And in retrospect, I think it would perhaps have happened more quickly if I hadn't given father as much slack as I did - if I'd forced his responsibilities upon him sooner. I think the more time they spent together, the more they bonded and the more father stepped up to the mark.

Hope you're doing ok. The first few months are so tough. For me, the turning point was around the 5 month point. All the best!