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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Simple etiquette question - bereavement

50 replies

whiskyowl · 31/10/2017 11:27

My exP's new girlfriend just lost her mother suddenly and unexpectedly. ExP and I were rubbish as a couple, but get along OK as friends now, though we live a long way apart.

I've never met his new partner (or her mother), but my heart goes out to them. I would like to show care. Do I send flowers? Or is that weird and too much from a stranger - is a card better?

OP posts:

TSSDNCOP · 31/10/2017 12:28

Do you have children with ex-p?

Otherwise, yes, I would think it odd. I'd also not thank you for what might by some be considered intruding on my grief.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/10/2017 12:29

If your XP thinks a card would be appreciated, then send a card. Mind you - 'new' GF - does she live with XP? If not, you knowing her address might come across as a little intrusive. Though on the whole a straightforward 'with sympathy' card is unlikely to hurt or offend anyone.

Original poster

whiskyowl · 31/10/2017 12:30

"The last thing she needs when she's mourning a sudden loss is to have to worry about you re-appearing in her partner's life."

Oh, she knows there is no chance of that - we have been over for years, I've been happily married for ages, we live 300 miles away from each other, etc. etc. She knows exP and I are in sporadic contact as mates (no children) and I'm sure she knows there is absolutely nothing more to it, since we are both far happier now than we were when together. I was due to meet her next week as part of a wider reunion of a bunch of old schoolfriends (exP and I were at high school together), but obviously that whole event will be postponed now in light of her very sad news and the need for exP to be on hand to support her.

So we are at that awkward stage of knowing about each other, and having been almost-introduced-but-not-quite!!! I hope a supportive card will do the job of expressing everything that needs to be said.

OP posts:

Original poster

whiskyowl · 31/10/2017 12:31

reanimated - No, they don't live together. I have arranged with exP that I will send it to him and he can give it to her at an appropriate moment. Avoids the whole issue of me knowing where she lives etc.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 31/10/2017 12:32

I would say yes, inappropriate. It would make me feel a bit stalked and uncomfortable. I think a simple, "I'm really sorry to hear about your mum" when you do meet her is more appropriate, or just pass the message through him that you send your condolences.

Viviennemary · 31/10/2017 12:44

I don't think I'd do anything under these circumstances as you haven't met your ex's girlfriend. I think etiquette would say do nothing. If you bumped into them offer your condolences.

PickleFish · 31/10/2017 12:45

Seems inappropriate to me, too. I know you won't mean it like this, but it would come across to me as a bit like you were making it all about yourself, somehow: saying that you feel so bad for her, etc, when you've not met her, seems more like you are feeling bad/sad/worried about what it might be like if your own parent died, or whatever, and that's upset you. And there's nothing wrong with that - but it's something for you to deal with alone, rather than involve her in it. Lots of other people's parents have died recently, too, but you don't know them any more than her - it just seems like you're piggy-backing on a tenuous relationship with her to give an outlet for your feelings about the death of a parent, and that's not fair to her.

if it was to your exP, jointly, saying that you were sorry for their loss, that might be different, as you do know him and would care if he is grieving (if in fact he is). Or if you had children together who knew her.

But otherwise, I think just asking him to pass on your condolences would be enough.

Oysterbabe · 31/10/2017 12:48

As someone who lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly recently, a card or anything from my partner's ex would have not made me feel better in any way. It's weird, nothing to do with you and seems like you are enjoying the drama of someone else's tragedy.
Ironically my mum was like that too and I used to jokingly refer to her as a misery whore as she just loved a bit of bad news.

Maryann1975 · 31/10/2017 13:25

I think it’s a bit wierd tbh. If dh ex sent a card to me in these circumstances I would wonder what she was up to.
When dh dad died last year we got cards, but only from people who knew us both. His mum got nearly 200 sympathy cards and was absolutely fed up of opening and looking at them. She certainly wouldn’t have wanted to get them from strangers and nor would dh.

NikiBabe · 31/10/2017 13:29

Nothing.

Your exp may be your friend but his gf is nothing to you and neither was her mother.

Its even questionable how much a brand new partner was involved with the mother or how much comfort he will be.

Just leave it.

Louiselouie0890 · 31/10/2017 13:37

Do nothing

NikiBabe · 31/10/2017 14:02

You've already sent it. If i were dp i hopr hr doesnt give it to her. If i were her id send it back.

NikiBabe · 31/10/2017 14:02

*hope he

doodle01 · 31/10/2017 14:16

You dont know the deceased or the daughter. Do nothing

Miscella · 31/10/2017 14:19

Nikibabe - what a very strange attitude you have.

Op - if I were the girlfriend I would accept your kind gesture exactly as it was meant.

NikiBabe · 31/10/2017 14:30

@Miscella why single me out? Most people have said what i have

Miscella · 31/10/2017 17:03

Nikibabe - I was referring specifically to your comment saying you hope he doesn't give her the card and that if you were the gf you would return it.

I find a lot of opinions on this thread odd however that may be cultural. I am Irish and the idea of anyone getting fed up of opening sympathy cards - as a previous poster spoke about - is alien. Unfortunately I have suffered several bereavements and all cards, letters and visitors were appreciated regardless of whether I personally knew the person expressing sympathy.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/10/2017 17:08

A card from someone who didn’t know you or your mother weird. And then from your partner’s ex. Even weirder.

Gazelda · 31/10/2017 17:25

I really don’t think you should send anything at all.
You don’t know her. You don’t know her Mum. She and your ex don’t live together, so possibly don’t even consider themselves ‘partners’.
To receive a card or flowers from someone I’m dating‘s ex would feel very uncomfortable and intrusive.

LemonShark · 31/10/2017 17:34

Nooo don't send. It would be extremely weird and runs a high risk of upsetting her. Had it been your ex's mum, I'd say yes. But you have barely the most tenuous link to this woman so it would be weird and seem intrusive to send it imo. The last thing I'd have wanted when my mum died was my partner's ex I'd never met getting in touch.

I have to say it would be pretty weird to send a card to someone you don't know and have never met unless you were close to the deceased. If you know neither the deceased or bereaved then I would say it's safer to stay away.

But when/if you do meet her, do express your condolences (check with ex first that she knows you know or she might be upset thinking he's speaking to an ex about her!). It means a lot when people push past the awkwardness to say they're sorry.

formerbabe · 31/10/2017 17:38

Don't do anything.

SacreBlue · 31/10/2017 18:05

Like Miscella I'm Irish and it is normal to send/receive cards, even attend wakes/funerals, from the whole community.

It can be a great comfort to know that others are thinking of those bereaved/the deceased, a recognition of their hurt/acknowledgement of the deceased's life and contribution to the community.

This may be a cultural thing of the Irish, like wakes which I don't think are the norm in other areas, but if your ex has said a card would be appropriate then that's advice from someone close to the bereaved and I'd go with that.

Countduckulanose · 31/10/2017 18:12

I'd find a card or message from my partner's ex inappropriate, sorry.
She might find it strange or at worst, like you are trying to use her mother's death (a total stranger to you), as a way to involve yourself in their lives. I'm sure she's got friends and family, and your ex for support.

BertrandRussell · 31/10/2017 18:13

Very brief letter.

PandorasXbox · 31/10/2017 18:14

I think given that the OP is friends with her ex there will helpfully no hard feeling between her and the new GF it’s quite a thoughtful to send a card.

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