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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset that dp doesn't care about coming to my graduation?

42 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 30/10/2017 20:13

I am graduating soon and my family have arranged to come to the ceremony, a round trip of several hundred miles.

Dp was supposed to be working that day so I didn't book him a ticket but said we could all go out to dinner in the evening to celebrate. All fine.

Except now it turns out dp has the day off but now he can't come to the ceremony as it's too late to get a ticket. I'm fine with that, but he has also not bothered to get time off for the meal in the evening (he has 2 jobs), so now he won't be there for any of it. I was going to change the dinner to a lunch so he could still be involved but apparently he's agreed to work the day as overtime because he can't come to the ceremony anyway.

So Aibu to be really hurt and upset that he is now not involved in any of the day? My family are coming a long way to be with me and he can't even be arsed to take one evening off to spend with me on a occasion that is really important to me? He won't be finished the 2nd job until late so won't be able to join us at all Sad

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/10/2017 23:01

What does 'engaged' mean?

He's being very unkind and I think you need to have a conversation with him about it.

Redactio · 30/10/2017 23:12

He won't make an effort to support you on what is a major achievement. Use the graduation ceremony to find somebody who is your equal.

Ellisandra · 30/10/2017 23:24

Why have you not said "fucksake, all your family are coming, I want you there - can em your shift"?

Honestly, I would say anyone who describes themself as 'engaged' is in a relationship that has run its course Sad Sorry to be blunt.

Peanutbuttercheese · 31/10/2017 00:31

He took time off for his BIL birthday meal plus his family are coming and he won't. Seriously just leave him, when I wanted to do further study my ex wouldn't support me, note the word ex.

My DH told me that he literally only bothers to remember what he deems important and all the small stuff is just pushed aside. I have a horrible feeling that is what your BF does.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/10/2017 06:52

You can probably still get a ticket... Sorry would be a deal breaker for me...

Yes graduation ceremonies aren't riveting... But it's all the success and work they represent..

malificent7 · 31/10/2017 07:05

Engaged is a relationship that has run its course....eh?????Confused

Ellisandra · 31/10/2017 07:07

No.
Engaged is not a relationship that has run its course.
'Engaged' is.
Read the OP.
In my opinion, anyone who uses inverted commas to describe themselves as engaged, does not have a trouble free relationship.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 31/10/2017 07:25

Maybe he just doesn't see it as a big deal.

Most people I know just have the two guests and then for a bite after, I don't know anybody that invited whole families, not even after medical degrees and training.

SouthWestmom · 31/10/2017 07:39

Maybe from his POV he just doesn’t see it as useful? It doesn’t help your current job, you can’t change jobs (better salary or better hours) and it’s been expensive. So he possibly sees it as a personal ‘journey’ he hasn’t really related to?

grafittiartist · 31/10/2017 07:43

Does it matter how boring they are, or if he doesn't value it? He should want to support you. I'd be sad too.

Isadora2007 · 31/10/2017 07:48

It doesn’t sound like you communicate well. He wasn’t ever going and he figures you’re okay with this as you invite your family and get them tickets etc. Then he does have day off but can’t go anyway. Then he agrees to work but hasn’t told you and you book dinner without speaking to him Presumably? Lots of you assuming he knows what you want and expect, lots of him doing his own thing and “not knowing” stuff. And he has met your family twice in “several years”...? Is your family not close to you either?
Too much going on and it’s not really about the graduation, sorry. The graduation is just letting you see the reality of your shoddy communication in the relationship and the mismatch of ideals and priorities.
Get talking about it all. It doesn’t really matter what he does or doesn’t do for your graduation but it does matter how you have communicated about it all and whether you have expressed your feelings to him and actually been heard.

SeaCabbage · 31/10/2017 07:59

LIke others, I can see why he wouldn't want to go to a boring ceremony.

But, have you asked him why he won't come out for dinner to celebrate? I can't imagine what words he could answer with. How could he be such an arse?

Unless he didn't want to be involved in a big family thing and was planning to celebrate with you another time.

paddlenorapaddle · 31/10/2017 08:05

All that stuff is a red herring the truth is in a good adult relationship of equal partners if it’s important to you (which it sounds like it is) it should have equal importance placed on it by your partner.

That’s not happening here and you’re understandably hurt. It sounds like he does this a lot let you know your place. I would suggest it’s not the relationship for you. Also the avoiding meeting your parents is another red flag enjoy your moment look forwards

SouthWestmom · 31/10/2017 08:26

But you don’t have to be enthusiastic about everything do you? My dh is really into sport, plays, coaches, witters on about it. I don’t go and watch, not even for ‘big’ matches.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 31/10/2017 10:24

I'm 99.99999% sure he isn't planning to mark the occasion in any way at all. He wouldn't even have remembered it was happening if I hadn't mentioned it several times. Even then he still forgot!

It isn't a big family on either side - only about 6 people total. I am very close to my family but the distance makes it hard for him to visit them with me as the times I usually go are the times when he has contact with his ds.

I told him multiple times over several weeks to book the evening off for the meal. I did, perhaps wrongly, assume that he had done this but not I've found out he hasn't and isn't going to.

I havent booked anything yet.Think I might just book dinner for my family and be done with it, this whole debacle has sort of ruined my enjoyment of the occasion now.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 31/10/2017 11:59

Well that's cutting your nose off to spite your face. Get on and organise a celebration with your family, cancel his though.

Genuine question; why is acceptable to you to have a boyfriend who doesn't bother to attend a special dinner for you?

I honestly do not understand why that isn't the end of this for you.

I would say break of the engagement, but an 'engagement' isn't an engagement anyway. But that's perhaps not relevant - you should just dump him anyway.

I don't know why you want a boyfriend who won't come to this dinner.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/10/2017 17:08

Are you seriously planning to marry someone who gives so few shits about you?

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