To ask why some people can't be arsed to turn up on time, to meet their friends?

[bellagood]

Just that really.

I have experienced a number of people who are always late when we meet for coffee or for a night out. Anything from 20 minutes to 50 minutes late. (I am talking about when there was a specific time made, not a 'see you between 8 and 9' kind of thing.) Yet they seem to never be late for the doctors or dentists or hospital appointments, or for work.

So why are they always late for meeting with friends? Or turning up at your house? I am sick and tired of inviting someone around, and they roll up half hour to an hour after the agreed time. So you're sitting there like a muppet, with the food spoiling or going cool, waiting for the entitled princesses.

I even had someone the other week text me and say 'we're at a loose end, (her and her DH,) shall we pop around for a coffee?' I answered and said 'maybe just for half hour as DH has work this evening (he was on 8pm to 8am.) 'Be there in 10 minutes' she texted back. Half hour later, she still wasn't here, so I phoned her and said 'you still coming?' 'Be there in a minute' was her reply. It was another 25 minutes before she came.

There are numerous other examples. Like my daughter (now grown) used to have a friend who was constantly 20 to 40 minutes late. Sometimes more than an hour. Her bloody mother never got her to our house on time when she was coming around, and she never came on time when she was meant to be meeting her somewhere, and I was with her waiting. (I am talking about when she was about 10, and they were meeting in town.)

This one time her and her mother threw a massive strop when me and my daughter left the arranged meeting point in the town centre, after waiting for 35 minutes after the arranged meeting time, They were meant to be meeting to go to the bowling alley, and after over half an hour I said 'I am pissed off with this shit,' and my daughter said 'me too' and we went home.

Her mother was 'incensed' apparently, that she had taken time out of her day to go ALL the way up town, 4 miles away, and we weren't there when she got there. Errrr we were there actually, on time; YOU were the one who was late. My daughter's friend said 'we couldn't help being late, the traffic was slow.' My daughter said 'what about the other 25 times you've been late this year?' The girl and her mother were entitled little divas, and 10 years later, they still are.

I did the same to a 'friend' 6 months ago, who is always late to meet; (I mean often 30 to 45 minutes late.) After 25 minutes of waiting, I left. Shockingly, she texted me 45 minutes after we were meant to be meeting, and said 'where are you?' I said 'I left as I thought you weren't coming.' She got most offended, and said 'well you could have contacted me to check where I was and if I was OK, I could have been in a car crash, or something bad could have happened, and that was why I was late.' I said 'did any of those things happen? Were any of those things the reason you were three quarters of an hour late?' 'No,' she said, 'I just got tied up with something else. I am a bit pissed off you didn't wait, after I had driven 10 miles to meet you...' I said 'I didn't think there would be an actual valid reason for you keeping me waiting; there never has been on the other multiple dozens of times.' Then I switched off my phone. Haven't seen her since, or heard from her. No loss.

So why are people like this? How come they can get to work on time, and to important appointments, but can't get to arranged meetings with their friends on time? Are they just so self absorbed and self serving that they think everyone should wait until they are ready to turn up? Do they give that little of a shit about their friends? Do they think their time is more important than theirs?

Anyone got any clues, answers, responses??? Is there anyone here who does this, and why do you think it's OK to treat your friends like shit?

Yeah I agree with all of the above, except the 'time management' thing because they seem to be able to turn up for work and appointments at hospital and doctors and dentists etc on time!

I think you'll find that they'll also be late for appointments etc too and probably also late for work more often than other workers. My OH worked in healthcare and despaired at the number of people turning up late. In my business, I get really annoyed when clients turn up late for pre-arranged meetings and in fact I've had to "sack" some persistently late clients. Some people are just chaotic and are unable to plan their lives properly. They'll be late for work, meetings, appointments, etc., just as they'll be late and last minute for other things like renewing their insurances, filing tax returns, etc. Sadly, some people live on a "just in time" basis and make no provision for the inevitable delays that will happen.

You won't change these people. They're not capable of being on time anymore than you are of being randomly late. It's the way their brains are wired.

Thanks @Herbcake but I don't buy this, (that it's the way their brains are wired...) As I said, how come they are not late for other stuff, like dental, doctors, and hospital appointments, and for work, and so on......?

The fact they are not late for stuff they deem as 'important,' suggests that they don't have 'poor time management' or they are 'not capable' of being on time, it just suggests they are entitled twats who think their time is more important than their friends.

And it's laughable that they are so incensed when people leave after 20-25 minutes of waiting, and won't wait for them any longer, and then send a stroppy text saying 'I came all this way for you just leave and not bother waiting for me!'

As I said, at least let people know you are going to be late! These people I refer to never do.

@karriekreamer

I get what you're saying, but the people I know, are not late for other stuff, only meeting friends.

Worst offender I knew did it because she was a bully, really.
It was a power trip because she had all the control over when anything happened.
Once we invited her and her husband over for a meal, not too late as I'd been at work and was tired. They finally arrived four hours later than we said to come, because they'd been in the pub and she was enjoying her husband's anxiety at wanting to get to ours while she ordered 'just one more drink'.
They're divorced now.

I wait 20 minutes. Then I leave. It's so so so SO rude. I have one friend who is actually often in trouble at work for being late, misses train and flights etc so cut her more slack as I think it is something she struggles with but everybody else, nah.

Like you said, they're never late for job interviews or something that affects THEM!

This happened to me recently, she was an hour and half late to meet me and a friend (time to up date a post on FB!)
Then laughed and said you didn't expect me on time did you?!
Er yes I did, why do you think your time is more important than mine.
Very rude

Because you allow them to.

My friends all know that I am always willing to make the effort to arrange something, but if you mess me around then I won't arrange anything in future. You get one or two passes but if it is becomes a habit I will very rarely continue to make the effort.

I am also totally accepting of you being late as long as you keep me updated. If we're meeting at 10am and I'm still sitting alone at 10.20 without any kind of message from you, then I will text to say I've waited and now I'm going home. If it's 10.20 and you messaged me at 9.50 saying your bus hadn't turned up/or you're stuck in traffic/ the baby projectile vomited everywhere just as you were walking out of the door etc then I am more than happy to wait because I know they are en-route and it's something out of their control (and if I then say "Actually by the time you get here I'm going to have to leave 5 minutes later to get to my next appointment/errand, so lets skip it today" they know I'm saying that purely as a practical thing that I am not holding against them and is not because I've flounced)

I have a friend who I meet for coffee every Wednesday at 9.30 ... it's after the school run for both of us but we meet at a coffee shop in town, which is a 10 minute walk from my DD's school but is a 20 minute bus ride from my friend's DCs school. So we both drop our kids off at 9am but I then have 30 minutes to make a 10 minute journey, she has 30 minutes to make a 20 minute journey. If she's running late she will message me asap to let me know and then I can either stop off at home for 10 minutes (my house is between town and DDs school) or instead of sitting around alone at the coffee shop I can pop into town and do a couple of jobs and be back for the time she arrives.

I also have a friend who is always late, so I only ever arrange to do casual stuff that I can do alone if she doesn't turn up. For example our DDs are the same age, so if DD and I are going to see a movie I'll invite her to join us ... if she turns up, great the girls can sit together and we can all go for coffee/dinner afterwards! If she doesn't, DD and I go in at the movie start time and have a lovely afternoon just the two of us.

I agree that you'll never change them. Not because their brains are wired differently. Just because they're entitled arseholes who don't consider you a priority.

It's not lack of time management if they are capable of being on time for work and other appointments.

They're just rude and think their time is more valuable than yours.

I have a friend like this. When we were teenagers and meeting in the closest city to where we lived, she would consistently be at least 45 minutes to an hour late every time we met up. I'd arrive, wait 20 minutes before calling her, only to be told that she just had to have a shower and tidy her room (she was always fecking tidying her room apparently but it never actually got any tidier!!!) and then she'd leave. I just took to telling her we were meeting up 30 minutes before we actually were.

The absolute last straw though was my birthday this year. I'd arranged to go for dinner with my closest friends and then stay on for drinks afterwards. She told me she was going to a 'bottomless brunch' earlier in the day so probably wouldn't want a big dinner, so she'd join us for the drinks part afterwards. I was a bit baffled, but fine. She also tried to invite her friends to the drinks even though I'd only booked for my closest friends, which I thought was a bit rude in itself, but again I let it slide and just told her no.

Anyway so the agreed time of 8:15pm rolls around and there's no sign of her. Eventually at 9:45pm she turns up drunk and demands to know why everyone is annoyed with her. Says that the arrangement with her friends had always been for the whole afternoon and evening (news to me, as she'd only ever told us it was a brunch) and that they were really annoyed she'd bailed on them to be at my birthday. Apparently I should have been grateful to be graced with her presence.

It just kind of cemented that she's not really a good friend to me anymore.

Being late is rude. It is one of my biggest peeves.

Not long after having DS I was baffled how when meeting Friends, I was still on time whilst they were 30+ minutes late with no kids in tow.
Frustrating!

They're not capable of being on time anymore than you are of being randomly late. It's the way their brains are wired.

I don't buy this at all. I was late a lot as a teenager, including to school. I'm never late now baby vomit situations aside . I still find it hard to keep track of time, but now I plan ahead & set alarms. I need to pick DD1 up from school at 3.30, and it's 10 minutes away, so I have an alarm for 3.10 at which point I go to the loo, grab my bag, and go. I've never been late to collect her. I set alarms when meeting up with friends, getting a bus, etc as well.

I used to be always early or at worst on time but after years probably decades of sitting or standing on my own in restaurants, outside etc I gave up and started being late myself! And on the whole I arrive about the same time as everyone else! I don't know why this is!! I actually force myself to leave my house late!!

Being that late is very rude. They should try to get there on time. If I was meeting someone and running late, then I would contact them, explain and apologise - and would expect the same courtesy in return. Surely that's not too much to ask of anyone, is it? It is the least that your friend could do.

With the ones who mange to catch flights and make appointments on time - I think it is some kind of entitled power play. Especially, if they don't even bother to warn you they are running late as soon as they are able.

It was one, of many, red flags SIL displayed - I don't bother with her at all now. Most definitely a power thing with her. I would be meeting her somewhere and then ring after waiting 20 mins, with a toddler, to find that she was still at home (30 mins away). The one, and only, time I was late to meet her she was fuming. I accidentally took a wrong turning and was 5 mins late and was amazed to find she was there on time.

The reaction when they are called on it/you keep them waiting is very telling.

I have a friend in my wider circle who I now won't make arrangements with. Every single time we arrange something as a group she bangs on about how busy she is when it isn't even relevant. Then 75% of the time flakes out at the last minute (when the day was changed to suit her) or turns up 1+ hr late.

I say it's how their brains are wired because this has come up before on here and people have tried to explain it.

Say you have to be somewhere at 10am and it's twenty minutes away by car. Many people work back from 10am i.e. I need to leave by 9.40, add maybe 10 mins for traffic/parking so be leaving the house at 9.30.

But some people, according to what I've read on here before, don't do that mental calculation and only start thinking about it at 10am. So at 9.30, they're doing something else because they still think they have half an hour spare.

Hard to understand for me as I'm super punctual but it's apparently a thing.

Of course, this doesn't apply to all latecomers, some of them are just rude and selfish and don't give a shit.

I've got 2 siblings like this - we all had the same parents/upbringing so why was I the only one who got the 'be there on time' genes.

One of them was even late for my DD's funeral. He was supposed to meet at our house so that all the pall bearers arrived together. The hearse had arrived and everyone was waiting to leave for the Church and I was left trying to contact DB on his mobile (which obviously he wasn't answering as he was driving) to find out exactly where he was and when he would be arriving. He arrived with minutes to spare - but half an hour after he had been asked to be there! Just what I needed the day I was burying my DD - not.

But some people, according to what I've read on here before, don't do that mental calculation and only start thinking about it at 10am. So at 9.30, they're doing something else because they still think they have half an hour spare.

That's what alarms and notifications are for.

@herbcake I get that some people think 'I need to be there for 10am, and it takes 20 minutes, therefore I will leave the house at 9.40am,' and they don't take into account, tractors, caravans, several sets of traffic lights, being behind 20 cyclists for 2 miles etc etc.

However, that doesn't explain why some people are 35 to 50 minutes late constantly and do not let you know. And also why they manage to get to work, and medical appointments on time, and also manage to get flights, buses, and trains on time.

As has been said, it's a power trip, it's entitled and controlling, and it's bloody rude.

Brains wired like that? Nahhh...

I just don't do it anymore. I seem to be becoming more and more intolerant and Mrs angry from Purley, as I get older.
My time is too precious to waste it dealing with people who cant be bothered.
I might wait a bit for someone. 20 minutes. But if repeatedly. No. I just refuse.

But some people, according to what I've read on here before, don't do that mental calculation and only start thinking about it at 10am. So at 9.30, they're doing something else because they still think they have half an hour spare.
This is what I'm like "naturally". I also find it hard to judge how much time has passed, so I'll think I spent 5 minutes drinking a cup of tea but actually it was 20. That's why I now consciously plan and set alarms. If I have a busy week ahead, I will sit down with a my diary and Google Maps and plan out what time I need to leave every day.

Hi, chronically late person here. For me, there are several reasons. Primarily, I'm disorganised and not very realistic about understanding how much time things will take.
It doesn't help that in Ireland (I'm Irish, living in the Uk) punctuality is less highly valued, and there are situations where it is downright rude.
I have improved since moving in with now DH, because he is much much worse, and finds it even more stressful than I do.
He almost certainly has ADHD, which literally is having your brain wired that way, and it has been suggested that I do too.
I do miss quite a lot of important things. Some things I do manage to get to on time, but if I had to make that effort for everything In my life, I would have no friends, because it would be too hard.
I am grateful to my friends who are so forgiving of my perpetual chaos.

I ditch them if they are habitual offenders. Life's too short. I don't waste other people's time, don't waste mine.

I have an otherwise lovely friend who is ALWAYS late. Whenever we arrange something she always adds 30 mins to any plans to stop her being late then is late anyway

My DM is like this. Growing up you knew not to ask for/accept the offer of a lift anywhere as you would invariably be taken late. I would pretend that trains left/movies started/appointments were at least 20 mins before they actually were if I couldn't get there myself.

Briefly, we ran a business together. The work was 50/50 timed appointments (I.e 9 am wednesday) or just 'turn up at some point on Wednesday'.

For the fixed appointments she would inevitably be 15mins late minimum. But it was when she didn't get given the boundary of a fixed time that she'll just rock up whenever and sometimes not at all.

In the mornings, I would get up, make us breakfast, walk the dog, get ready, pack up the car. In that time she just got herself dressed and I would still be waiting for her. And she'd get so stroppy if you said anything!

Needless to say, it didn't last long she has a similar setup now where she's supposed to be doing a day's work for a friend today. She hasn't left the house yet.