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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Charity shave off ...

50 replies

MrsEight · 30/10/2017 10:49

I am happy to be told I am wrong

It is just me who feels a bit uncomfortable about people shaving their hair off for cancer charity.

Friend is doing it “live” on FB sponsored by others.

It’s fantastic that she is raising money for a great cause - but to me it just smacks a bit of “me me me aren’t I amazing” and lots of comments about how “brave” she is.

I have another close friend who has cancer atm and I just wonder - I dunno I suppose it doesn’t really matter but it just seems peoples reasons for doing good things are less altruistic these days what with being able to broadcast said “good deed” all over social media.

OP posts:

yumyumpizza · 30/10/2017 23:22

I don't like it and would quietly judge someone who did this. I wouldn't be brave enough to say anything but would think it was pretty awful. I find it hard to articulate why, I just find it offensive for some reason. Are Macmillan the main charity who encourage it? It would put me off them if so.

Itscosyt0night · 30/10/2017 23:55

In news recently men I believe dressed up as nurses to raise money for local hospital. I believe hospital or charity they were raising for refused the donation, because they said nurses were being mocked. Some charities pay their senior staff huge salaries. If you don't wish to donate money, donate time, food, unwanted stuff. There will always be some controversy.

MrsBirdseye · 31/10/2017 09:20

I don't judge, but I just don't understand. Yes, cake sales and fundraiser events require time and effort, but that's the point. This -- basically self-indulgence and 5 minutes of fame.

CottonEyeJosephine · 31/10/2017 09:27

My friend did a sponsored head shave a couple of days before starting chemotherapy after being diagnosed with breast cancer in her 20s. She raised thousands and donated the hair too. For those of us donating it was a good way to somehow recognise what she was going through and put some positivity into it. Since then, a couple of mutual friends have also done head shaves for cancer charities, each to their own and I can’t get too worked up about it but that did make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

bigsighall · 31/10/2017 10:50

It is brave for a woman to shave her head.. it goes against social norm and for lots of people hair defines us. Of course it's not in the same bracket as being brave and dealing with cancer ... it's not comparable.
However because it is a difficult thing to do, it does raise a lot of money. If people get some 'me me me' recognition whilst they raise the money so what?.. money is still raised.
It seems some people would just prefer a £2 donation rather than people raising £4K to shave their head and get some attention
It's the fund raising that's important to help cure this terrible disease and I, for one, don't care how that is raised.

fuzzyduck1 · 31/10/2017 16:06

Me and my partner both had our heads shaven for charity and it has been one of the best money making ideas yet. We raised over £2000! It’s something the charities promote doing. ‘Brave the Shave’ for McMillan while we didn’t do the live feeds onto Facebook we had huge support from everyone. So who’s being insensitive us for doing it or the charities for promoting it?

You can’t just keep asking people to donate to charity they want to see something for there money being it head shaving running bike ride etc.

Bake sales are good but can only ever raise so much money we done a tuck shop at work which made £200 in a few months giving 100% of what we made to the charity, but then found that 10-20% of the stuff was being nicked.

Talking of sweets do you ever buy the charity sweets that sometime sit on reception desks and bath in the thought that you are giving to charity? Well let me let you into a little secret only about 5p in the pound goes to the charity and if you put more into the pot than the marked price this money goes into the pocket of the person supplying the sweets and not the charity.

Don’t get me started on the chuggers ‘Charity Mugger’ that come knocking on your door or catch you in the street wanting you to sign up and donate £2 a month for three legged mongoose welfare Center. They get paid for getting you to sign up so the first years donation goes mainly on this and admin costs with the charity getting nothing. Then they employ an army of people to keep calling you to increase your donation to cover there wages.

RIP Olive (the lady badgered by charities until she couldn’t that any more)

lalalalyra · 31/10/2017 17:12

I really don't understand what is to judge in head shaving. Especially if the hair is donated.

Charities would be much poorer if people stuck to donating and bake sales.

TwitterQueen1 · 31/10/2017 17:23

Are you a bald cancer patient lala? If you were you might have a teeny weeny understanding.

ChelleDawg2020 · 31/10/2017 17:28

YANBU. I've got more respect for people who earn and donate their own money than for attention-seekers who expect others to donate on their behalf.

Shaving off your hair to imitate the people you are fundraising for is pretty offensive - when you think about it, it's no different to "blacking up" when raising funds for disaster victims in Africa. Just because not all people who suffer from cancer are offended, doesn't make it right (and apparently "blacking up" isn't seen as racist by all BAMEs, but I have my doubts).

lalalalyra · 31/10/2017 18:10

Are you a bald cancer patient lala? If you were you might have a teeny weeny understanding.

well given that it was my bald, terminal cancer patient relative who came up with the idea, as I previously mentioned, I'm fine with my understanding thanks.

If you don't like it then don't do it, however for her the fact she could raise, with the help of her friends, far far more money than we could in bake sales was a good thing.

Given how important her wig was to her the gesture of donating hair was also something she thought was wonderful.

To judge all who do it badly is very shortsighted.

Motoko · 31/10/2017 18:14

There was a thread on this subject earlier this year. A lot of the people with cancer who replied, including me, didn't like it.

There are lots of ways to raise money, but shaving heads feels such a crass way to do it, especially when its done so publicly. It feels like a kick in the teeth and as far from supportive as could be.

There are many cancer patients on social media who hate it, yet we get ignored, the people who it's supposed to be supporting.

TwitterQueen1 · 31/10/2017 18:18

You are in no position to judge lala or to criticise those of us who are bald cancer patients and find it offensive. Who are you say to I am short-sighted? Having a relative doesn't count and you are commenting from a position of ignorance.

Chelle makes a good point about 'blacking up' and I said upthread that no-one would dream of painting bruises, cuts and injuries from DV or of pretending to be an amputee. So don't try to tell those of us who do find it offensive that we are wrong or short-sighted or anything else. You have no right at all. You are entitled to an opinion of course, but don't you dare criticise mine.

JigglyTuff · 31/10/2017 18:25

I hate the message that it’s a really hard thing for a woman to be bald. It’s shaming cancer victims and that’s shit. I don’t donate to MacMillan at all now after they coopted the Ice Bucket Challenge from MND. Fucking wankers

FuzzyCustard · 31/10/2017 18:30

I've been really unhappy with this fundraising campaign (and have expressed my views to Macmillan, who otherwise have been a brilliant and supportive charity.)

My DH had a bone marrow transplant earlier this year, including high dose chemotherapy. Of course, he lost all his hair. He didn't have a cute pixie cut, or a no 2 all over, he lost all his head and body hair. And eyebrows and eyelashes and beard hair. And he was very very ill.

I am distressed at the notion of people being deemed "brave" for having what is in effect, a short hair cut. Their hair will grow back very quickly, and look the same...hair after chemo doesn't always grow back all, and if it does it is often curly or patchy...and takes MONTHS to look anything near normal. The psychological effects of looking different and looking ill are also immense and not helped by people doing this "in solidarity". It's crass to assume that having a short hair cut aligns you to a person with a life threatening illness (in DH's case, that will always be with him) who also has a myriad of other horrendous symptoms too.

My DH and others dealing with cancer are brave. I'd prefer it if people used a different method of raising funds.

TwitterQueen1 · 31/10/2017 18:38

Well said Fuzzy
There is an immense gulf between those who choose to have their hair cut off and those who have absolutely no choice in the matter at all.

And FWIW (though it's irrelevant) I say this as someone who isn't personally bothered by my hair loss (because it's gone once, come back, going again...) but I do have friends who have been genuinely devastated by it.

So please people, don't minimise or trivialise or glamorise or imitate. It's not clever.

lalalalyra · 31/10/2017 18:46

You are in no position to judge lala or to criticise those of us who are bald cancer patients and find it offensive. Who are you say to I am short-sighted? Having a relative doesn't count and you are commenting from a position of ignorance

To judge everyone who does it is, imo, short sighted. I didn't say everyone should love the idea and get involved.

Why should the 5 who did it here, raised a shed load of money and who did so at the suggestion of Kate (and with her shaving their heads) be judged badly? I don't get that - what on earth did they do wrong?

However, I have just realised that posting today isn't a good idea as it's the first big event night since she died so the idea of somehow doing something offensive is probably harder than usual. I shall step away as I don't want to offend anyone, far from it.

TowerRavenSeven · 31/10/2017 18:52

Yanbu. I've had cancer and lost my hair. By all means give to research but keep your hair. If it's to 'go with it' with the person, there is no way to do that except having cancer yourself.

TwitterQueen1 · 31/10/2017 18:53

Too late lala. You've certainly offended me. And don't play the pity card. It really doesn't work for those who don't have cancer and have never been in the position they profess to know so much about.

lalalalyra · 31/10/2017 19:00

I'm not playing the pity card TwitterQueen, I am sorry I offended you and I shouldn't have posted.

I shall certainly keep in mind that not everyone feels the way she did in future fundraising, and I do consider myself very lucky to have kept my hair and not faced the issue as some have.

inkylicious · 31/10/2017 19:08

I had cancer and was obviously upset by my hair loss- I hated losing my eyebrows and eyelashes and I was so sick and pale and could not bother with make up. I wasn't brave - I just dealt with it as I had no choice.A lady I knew did a sponsored hair shave but looked stunning as she was beautifully made up and had gorgeous eyelashes - I found it difficult if I am being honest- she got lots of attention about how brave she was and what an inspiration- she annoyed me if I am bring honest .

Autumnl3aves · 31/10/2017 19:46

I've had very long hair, short hair and no hair. Why can't a person choose what sort of hairstyle they want. I understand the difference if someone is ill and I have family and friends who have been ill. A bald head offensive, no. Raising money offensive no.

FuzzyCustard · 31/10/2017 20:09

Of course anyone can choose their hairstyle, but the "look at me, I'm so brave" messages that are coming across on social media are offensive to many people with cancer. Who do not choose their hairstyles.

Frazzled2207 · 31/10/2017 20:13

Inky
You sum up my thoughts very well.
I hope you’re now recovered.

Crumbs1 · 31/10/2017 20:53

Brave the shave is a horrible campaign and Macmillan have singularly failed to listen to those it claims to support - many people who have lost hair during chemo object to the whole notion. It’s deeply offensive; can anyone image a sponsored shake for an epilepsy charity or a hopping fun run for amputees.
It’s not brave to shave your hair, it’s not showing solidarity. It’s causes offence.
Losing your hair to chemo is horrid, some people have permanent hair loss, most lose absolutely all their hair - everywhere. If you want to preserve some hair you sit with your head in a crash helmet at -5 degrees for five hours every time you have treatment. The last thing many people want is for others to cut their hair off - particularly in a pub whilst having a laugh.

Original poster

MrsEight · 31/10/2017 20:54

I was very ill once and had to have treatment which involved my hair falling out which was traumatic for me.

I would have been mortified if any of my friends had copied my hairstyle to raise money for charity.

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