SO angry with my mum...fed up of being put down

[lostlilly]

long one sorry-I have had a big argument with my mum today and still feel so angry.
I am having such a horrible time at the moment, going through divorce after finding out my dh has been unfaithful for years!
My dd is in hospital after having a major operation!
I am trying to find a house to buy for me and dd and sell my current marital home. I am trying to hold down a demanding full time job.

Basically I married a man who has always worked but in low paid unskilled jobs, he has been very unmotivated and unsociable and I stuck with him for far too long for my dd sake and turned out he was cheating on my anyway. So I filed for divorce.
I am highly qualified and have a good career and was always the main earner and have already got a mortgage ready to go and large equity in my marital home once it sells.
I have a small car on finance and student loans from uni, no credit cards, store cards etc
Today when we were talking about money she said I should have much more behind me at age 42, she said she can't believe I have debt and if I hadn't married that 'loser' she wouldn't need to be supporting me. She said my sisters married well and she doesn't have to worry about them! She said that I will be worrying her to her grave because of my stupid decisions!
I absolutely lost it! I couldn't believe she could be so spiteful. I am sick of being compared to my sisters and of her putting me down

So basically what your mum is saying that your own personal achievements are nothing compared to the achievement of “marrying well” and snaring a husband to take care of your weak female self.

If you didn’t have your job and had married a rich man chance are you’d really be up shit creek now and would need far more than a short term loan, as you’d have no way of supporting yourself.

Tell her you’ll be fine once through the worst of it, because you can look after yourself. Tell her to worry if your sister’s marriage breaks down, because who will look after them if their husbands fuck off?

Most people would consider a successful career and £160,000 equity a success and the fact your mother sees marrying well as more important is a sad reflection on her rather than you. A child with a good career and savings or equity is much more secure than one who has no career but has "married well" so she has got her priorities wrong when it comes to "worrying".

If you can, I would avoid borrowing money from her even in the short term as she will probably use it to make you feel less successful/worthy in the future..

Really good news that hour DGD is coming home tomorrow.

Some parents are old school and their concept of debt and divorce is still somewhere in the 1950s when these things were an embarrassment and/or a failure.

My late DF asked me if I could just stay in my marriage till he died! That’s what anathema it was to him. I told him it wasn’t possible.
If I’d had had my own money behind me and the means/qualifications to support myself well, the divorce would have been a far less daunting prospect. You have done bloody well. I agree that with your DMs view of debt that borrowing from her could be a bad move unless you have absolutely no choice. She may well bring it up for the rest of her life about how you had to borrow from her.

Your DM will have for more worries if your sisters marriages don’t work out as really points out.

I think you are doing brilliantly and life has been awful for you.

Is there a chance she thinks you might go back to him? That would explain her emphasising how bad a choice he was for you and how much better you deserve (I don't really mean financially either, but she might).

Otherwise, she is probably trying to emphasise in a cack handed way. Some people are a bit self absorbed and think them "joining in" with being upset is empathy. I think she is insensitive but don't waste energy being angry, you'll not get the response you need. Rant on here and hit a pillow.

Ok sorry in advance as a long one but need some advice!!!!
12 years ago after a long court case ( domestic violence /contact ) I changed my name . Firstly for safety and secondly after talking with victim support etc. I suffer still from ptsd but it really did help being able to change my name after the court case to make it feel like it was a part of my life that was over and this was the new me , new start sort of thing..
All great except my mother refuses and still calls me by previous name even infront of others who only know me as my new name! I have tried many times to explain and her reply has always been ‘ohhhh well that’s not the name I gave you’ or ‘ well , if he was that bothered he would have found you by now!’
Well last night I lost it !!!! In a family group chat she said ‘I will see you on a Saturday ’ I then wrote my new name to which she said all the ‘thats not the name I gave you’ etc etc ...... I said that I hadn’t changed my name for fun and that even hearing my old name makes me feel physically sick and triggers my ptsd etc to which she just replied ‘ oh!!!!’ I said that she knew all this and the reasons etc and now she hasn’t replied ! I’ve tried for sooo long and asked nicely but it’s all about her and what she named me when born! Aibu to want this? I’d rather her not call me anything but it’s like she makes a point of using it ! She was suppose too be meeting my partner for the 1st time Saturday (if she still comes) and although he knows about my past I’m feeling really anxious as she also likes to make sarcastic little comments about me and thinks it’s a joke.
I’m sorry to go on but I’m bloody 48 and feel strange as it’s the first time I’ve stood up the her. She has always been very dominating and loud and her opinion is always RIGHT and I just can’t handle it x

Hi Justejessie, that sounds like a proper sod of a situation there.
From a practical point of view, change your f/b settings so no one can post things on your wall without you approving them first. (Please check her settings too if you can, so that her posts aren’t public).

I can see why your DM would feel upset but tbh, it’s not about her - you haven’t done it to upset her and he’s taken it as a personal slight. Plenty of people go by their middle names as they prefer them to their first names, then change their surnames when they get married- in that respect, the concept of you having a name different to the one she gave you isn’t unusual.
Does she need reassurance that it doesn’t make you any less her child? You could just start saying “well, I’ve still got the great ‘hair’ genes you gave me Mum - that’ll not change!” and change the subject.

Posted too soon...

YANBU to be annoyed and stand your ground though - your change of name is part of your safety and security (& sanity?), and she needs to take that seriously - that means putting your actual needs above the ‘wrong doing’ she perceives has been done to her

(You might get more replies if you start your own thread btw)