I am not even sure why I'm writing this, but I've had a bit of a struggle recently, well forever really, about being good enough.... whatever I've done, I've always thought it could be better, however high I raise the bar, I just push it higher and I can't seem to just stop and think 'good enough'. The worst part of this is that it is ridiculous, I have the most wonderful life, I'm married to a wonderful man, we have two lovely children, we live on a small farm and love our life. I'm an academic, I'm well published and known in my field, and I love my job. I volunteer running a local youth club, am a school governor and trustee of a small charity. I've friends, a loving family network, etc. And please don't think I don't appreciate this life, I do, so, so, much.... but I live in constant fear that it'll all crumble. somehow, somewhere someone will realise I'm not good enough, or I'll make a mistake, get something wrong and it'll all crumble. A good example is I have regular panics about my husband or children dying because I make a mistake.
And though I hate painting a victim sign on me, as it is not how I see myself and don't think this should be an excuse - I wonder how much tracks back to childhood. I was seriously sexually abused for a number of years, and when I finally told, my parents were 110% supportive but it tore my wider family apart (perpetrator was a family member) and nearly tore my parents apart - it was horrendous, the fall out made me constantly wish I'd never said anything. It wasn't my parents, they were great but the people around them, the community we lived in, other family members - it was just hell. I felt responsible for it all. He went to prison and we moved on, I received counselling but I know the concern from everyone wasn't that I fell behind in school, the concern was that I excelled, that I pushed and pushed myself and got better and better.
This probably reads as the most self pitying post going, I get that, but I just want to stop, I want to stop having to take everything on, I want to stop being the person that sorts everything out and I want to breathe. I'm exhausted, and I really don't know where to push myself to now, what the next challenge should be as I think I've done as much as I can. Normally I see this as a strength, that I push on, but not lately, lately I feel like it is my biggest weakness and all I'm doing is building a house of cards that will fall. Sorry, not sure what I expect people to say other than 'get over it', but just had a hell of day and conversations which really awakened all of this. I just want to stop and say 'hey you're doing ok'.... I'm driving my husband nuts, he desperately wants me to slow down and relax, but I genuinely do not how too.