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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit put out by MIL party behaviour?

50 replies

grannysmiff · 29/10/2017 16:09

The context is my DP lost his dad 10 months ago. Obviously his mother is finding it difficult. DP has lunch at hers pretty much every day. They are a very close-knit family.

There was a massive family do last night and MIL was teary throughout. She was a little short with me that night and as well as that when I arrived she called over to me "you look awful". Actually I looked fantastic if you dont mind me saying so, and DP's cousin laughed and said "shes only kidding, she said just before you look beautiful".
Then at one point she was sitting with DP and a friend, and I wandered over (having been mingling away from DP for over an hour) and she put her hand on his arm and shouted "No! Don't take him away from me!"

I totally understand how this is all related to her grieving but I guess I just wanted a bit of reassurance, AIBU to feel a little put out? I leave DP to spend as much time as he wants and needs with family, he sees them every day, when he wants me there (like last night), I go. Both things she said in a kind of jesting way but - I dont know. Any thoughts or insights? I dont want my relationship with her to veer off into some weirdy territory.

OP posts:
Walkingthedog46 · 29/10/2017 17:19

If your husband didn't go to his mother's for lunch every day before his father died, he needs to be very careful that his mother doesn't think this is the new norm and that he will continue to go every day for ever more, rather than him just providing extra support in the early days of her bereavement. He sounds like a lovely son.

Original poster
grannysmiff · 29/10/2017 17:20

@Draylon
Interesting Draylon, thanks for sharing, this is exactly what I've instinctively been thinking I need to keep an eye out for

OP posts:
Original poster
grannysmiff · 29/10/2017 17:21

@AlternativeTentacle
The poster on the other thread was paranoid their lecturer had a special grudge against them (after having bitched about them in a FB group). The fact they were dyslexic had nothing to do my reply.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/10/2017 17:23

She’ll be moved in and established at your place in due course OP. I’d be having the what happens when she’s older and can’t care for herself properly with my bloke to a clear line is drawn in the sand. Before she starts priming him slowly for it.

PinkHeart5914 · 29/10/2017 17:24

I can understand why you are put out but unfortunately grief is a bastard and can and does make people act out of character.

My fil passed away last year and it has completely changed Mil, she is such a sad women these days but I guess when you’ve been with some 50 years it is a real kick in the stomach when your suddenly without them and it’s going to take some time to deal with the grief

OlennasWimple · 29/10/2017 17:25

Your DH needs to gently extract himself from daily visits

The whole family needs to help MiL find outside interests. She is so young - she could easily have another 35 years left, it would be tragic for her to miss out on living her life because she is so drawn into a small family group to the exclusion of everything else

milliemolliemou · 29/10/2017 17:27

I'll say it again. I think she was undoubtedly overemotional. Her husband is 10 months gone. I think we all have some sort of understanding of that. Her son is looking after her. "Don't take him away from me" is either a drunk/emotional comment or a warning. Either way OP needs to take a deep breath and at an appropriate time talk to her DH. And possibly test the water with MIL first. But yes, OP and her DH need to look ahead to the future.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/10/2017 17:29

Your DH needs to gently extract himself from daily visits

Why? This notion, especially prevalent on MN, that once men find a wife they need to end all contact with their family and indeed if said woman goes on to have a baby should avoid the father's family like the plague is hugely damaging. It's a worrying idea for me that should I ever have a boy - the minute he gets a wife I have to disown him. Hmm

JingsMahBucket · 29/10/2017 17:31

I agree with @FenceSitter01. This feels like dementia may have been triggered and it's in the early stages. Sometimes it just "clicks" into place after a traumatic event. This also means I would start speaking with your partner about ramping down contact and disentangling himself now in order to ease the transition into a different phase of care. Good luck.

Original poster
grannysmiff · 29/10/2017 17:33

@VladmirsPoutine
You dont have to disown your son but maybe dont tell the woman who looks likely to become his life partner "dont take him away from me" when she clearly isn't, seeing as she "allows" you to see him 7 days a week.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 29/10/2017 17:40

Mt first though (as other shave said) is dementia.

my second was that grief is an absolute bastard, and it can take ages to get over the death of a loved one.

I also know that sometimes people can use grief to manipulate people into doing what they want.

Whinesalot · 29/10/2017 17:41

I think you need to get dh on board with gradually weaning her off him. Start by reclaiming one lunch per week, then increase it to missing two lunches power week. Tell him he has to be cruel to be kind so that she begins to have other things in her life.
He needs to help her widen her world for her sake as well as both yours. Do it gradually and take no notice of her objections.

Whinesalot · 29/10/2017 17:44

Your DH needs to gently extract himself from daily visits

Why? This notion, especially prevalent on MN, that once men find a wife they need to end all contact with their family and indeed if said woman goes on to have a baby should avoid the father's family like the plague is hugely damaging. It's a worrying idea for me that should I ever have a boy - the minute he gets a wife I have to disown him. hmm

I would give the same advice to a woman seeing her family all the time. Yes it's great being close and seeing each other regularly but not to the extent that you become so utterly dependant on each other.

NotAgainYoda · 29/10/2017 17:46

I agree with Boney

It's fine to offload here because her comments upset you. They'd probably upset me. You feel insecure - but think how she might feel right now and I think she'd have the right to be acting more emotionally than you.

Original poster
grannysmiff · 29/10/2017 17:46

@Whinesalot

Its frustrating because ive suggested a few things to get her away from the family unit. First I suggested me and her go to the cinema - the response was she's a family/homey person and she wouldn't want to. The second was she come into town (shes in the countryside) and we can go out and about together (Im freelance so flexible) - again, lukewarm, nothing happened.

She's focussed all her attention on her SIL's youngest, picking him up from school every day etc which is a great help to SIL, but he's 9 and am guessing will soon be almost at the age where he'll want to do his own thing.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 17:47

Your MIL sounds like she's very anxious in social situations at present and that's what she meant when she shouted "don;t take him away form me". Are you sure she meant in life and not there and then at the party?

She sounds like she panicked when you came over thinking you would expect DH to stick with you.

I have no idea if there is a bigger underlying problem I really can't tell from what you've posted but 10 months after the death of your life partner is no time at all for most people. I don;t think my grandmother ever really recovered from my grandfathers death and developed social anxiety and yes, dementia.

You do sound a bit more like you are putting up with what you think is unreasonable behaviour rather than really appreciating the depth of her loss.

Would you be over (or nearly over) the loss of your DH within 10 months?

NotAgainYoda · 29/10/2017 17:48

granny

Re: 9 year old grandson. He may start to not like it but that's between them.

Original poster
grannysmiff · 29/10/2017 17:52

I think I may try and spend more one on one time with her at her house. Good idea?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 17:54

ive suggested a few things to get her away from the family unit

She doesn;t want to. Have you never lost anyone close. That sense of panic and fear you will lose other people - natural instinct to keep your loved ones close. Yes maybe too close. But 10 months for goodness sake - treat her how you hope people will treat you in 30 years time in the same situation.

My grandmother was an extremely capable woman who ran her own succsfel business and her life as she knew it pretty much came to an end when my grandfather died.

It's sad you can't see how scared and lonely she might be and it's natural to stick to the things she knows. 10 months is too early to be forcing her out of her comfort zone if she's not ready.

As long as it's not affecting you too badly, I'd buck up and keep put of it if your DH wants to have lunch with his mother daily and she's currently not thinking straight just yet.

My mother is ill so I have coffee or lunch with her daily because she is very anxious (with good reason) and it distracts her when one of us is around when she doesn't have the confidence to be out doing anything else.

Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 17:56

Don;t worry abou the grandson. My DS is 12 next month and he still loves going to his grandma's and he does his own thing at her house - so as long as she's not making him crochet doilies, he''l be fnie and it gives her company.

Just the kind of thing she needs - undemanding but comforting.

LivLemler · 29/10/2017 18:01

I think the lunches are fine if it fits in with the DH's routine. I know someone whose DM lives near his work, he pops in after work occasionally, leaving him to go home and have his evening or his weekend free having "done his duty". The lunches may work similarly for the DH, in which case happy days.

If it was the first big family occasion since the funeral I'd leave it be for now. But you may well be wise to be aware of issues down the line and routines being formed that you and DH have no desire to keep.

FWIW I think you and your DH sound lovely and supportive of your MIL. I also don't think you're unreasonable to be concerned.

User02 · 29/10/2017 18:04

I think if the DMIL is shown some loving support and encouragement she will eventually want to look around her, beyond the family. Perhaps bring friendly non related people into her life. Such as your friend or neighbour who has already had the situation explained to her.

It is very awful when a long term husband dies and it is almost all the the DMIL's life, She has spent probably 80 per cent of her life being a wife and mother. At the era before her marriage she would have been a girl of the house. She really wont have much idea of being an individual on her own. She is likely feeling lost and alone, not sure what her life is going to be. She does not need hard comments she has just gone through one of the hardest things in life. Help and encouragement would be best.

Thymeout · 29/10/2017 18:06

How long has she known you? It's a kind thought, but it doesn't look as if she's comfortable in a one-to-one situation with you yet. Might be different when you have children.

I don't think there's anything really weird about her behaviour. I thought, like Kewcumber, that she was saying that she wanted to go on talking to her son, and was afraid you were about to take him away to talk to someone else.

It is early days. The future must look very bleak to her.

Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 18:16

and yes I would start popping in to see her if it's convenient to you. Just a pop in, quick chat - make a cup of tea and offer to take her out to do her grocary shopping then leave. It will build her relationship with you and will broaden her circle even if only a little.

If DS makes the time to see me daily when he's an adult and I'm grieving i will feel that I did something right. I wouldn;t want it to be at the expense of his own relationship of course but your DH is a nice man.

OlennasWimple · 29/10/2017 18:19

VladamirsPoutine - I didn't say that the OP's DH had to disown his family Confused Hmm

There is a whole load of middle ground between daily lunches with your mother and never seeing her ever again...

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