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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that Mumsnet scared me unnecessarily about meeting a new baby?!

51 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 29/10/2017 14:16

Lighthearted, mostly!

My brother's baby was born earlier this week. I have very few friends who have yet had children, and we are currently trying and failing to have our own first. I had carefully read many, many Mumsnet posts about visiting parents of new babies, however, so I knew that it was a fraught, even dangerous business... I prepared myself for not being allowed to visit for weeks, for being considered deeply, deeply selfish if I wanted to hold the baby, and that I should be expecting to turn up and do a deep clean of the house. Imagine my surprise when a) my brother told me to come round as soon as I wanted and seemed genuinely pleased when I said I'd be round in a couple of days b) my offer to make the tea while they both sat down was rejected c) they were hugely grateful when I did a quick spot of washing-up but told me to absolutely do no more d) they encouraged me to hold the baby for as long as I wanted. No one was at all insensitive about our own fertility issues: they both made no secret of their own happiness, but managed to refrain from going on about how they 'now knew true love', etc. It was almost like everyone involved was nice...

So, while I am very happy (and completely besotted with my new nephew), AIBU to feel slightly cheated of my AIBU-worthy story?! I actually think they thought I was being completely daft because I kept asking so many times whether things were ok ('are you sure it's ok for me to keep holding him?' 'can I show this photo to other people?' 'would it be ok if I came back again soon?') - but mumsnet really had me convinced that I was somehow going to do this being an aunt thing all wrong!

OP posts:

silkpyjamasallday · 29/10/2017 15:56

People tend to post online when they have problems, not when everything is going swimmingly. I'm sure most of the people who post complaining about relatives being unreasonable when visiting newborns would give anything to have normal considerate family members. You were considerate, and helpful and are clearly not a huge asshole as a person so it was always going to be fine.

I was overwhelmed with constant visits, often unannounced (we barely had a day to ourselves until DD was 12 weeks) from useless rude relatives who made everything 10 times harder when I'd had DD. If I could turn the clock back I would refuse visitors until I had established breastfeeding and unpacked (we moved two days after dd was born) They honestly ruined what should have been the one of the happiest times of my life with their entitled behaviour. I was asked to leave the room to breastfeed as it made them uncomfortable, they jiggled and poked DD when she was sleeping as they 'wanted to see her eyes', wouldn't hand her back to me when she was crying, commented on the mess while it was clear we were still unpacking, refused to get tea for themselves and didn't bring food so DP was constantly running out to get biscuits and snacks for guests. A few turned up drunk and rowdy. It was a nightmare.

Yes maybe it sounds ridiculous and unbelievable to some, but then you should count yourselves lucky you don't have a load of shitty people in your life.

bertiesgal · 29/10/2017 16:01

When I had my babies I was so euphoric and besotted that I threatened to stand in the town square and hold them aloft so that everyone could see the most beautiful babies in the world. DH talked me down thankfully.

I was so touched when people made the effort to pop in and have a look at them. I have lovely warm memories of that stage. I think it's down to the individuals and it's horses for courses. No right or wrong as some mum's are exhausted and need some time alone before welcoming the hoards.

My family is complete but if I ever had another you'd be more than welcome OP . Good luck with your own journey, you sound like a fantastic aunt already and I hope that thinks work out for you .

Callaird · 29/10/2017 16:36

As a nanny of 32 years I have never come across a new family who weren’t desperate to hand their newborn over so they could go for a wee/take a shower/nap.

Even strangers hand me their baby when they learn that I’m a nanny! On a flight back from Australia, I took a couples 7 week old baby as the baby was picking up on their anxiety and screaming for about 30 minutes. I did just go to give them some advice (forget about everyone on the flight and just worry about your baby, she’s picking up on your anxiety and you need to be calm or she won’t) mum started crying and I asked if she’d like me to hold her for 5 minutes while she did some deep breathing and calmed down, less than 5 minutes later baby was asleep and I offered to hold her for a while while they had a quick nap and that I would bring her back as soon as she wakes (I was 4 rows behind her so she probably would have heard her crying) baby woke up 5 hours later and gurgled happily for another hour then I took her back to mum for a feed. Mum stayed calm after this and baby was much happier (apart from landing)

junebirthdaygirl · 30/10/2017 01:53

Ah but did you not comment on the awful name they choose and declare that from now on you are calling him Toby!!!

Callamia · 30/10/2017 02:43

Come on, you know how to remedy this... get on Facebook and post endless pictures of the baby, and provide the birth story for everyone to read. Or something.

steff13 · 30/10/2017 02:44

When I had my babies I was so euphoric and besotted that I threatened to stand in the town square and hold them aloft so that everyone could see the most beautiful babies in the world.

I would have rather enjoyed that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2017 04:02

The thing is that on MN you dont get people saying "AIBU to happily accept visitors from day one?" because that is the norm. You just get hte odd nutter who insists that they need 6 weeks visitor free, including grandparents, after a birth and cannot understand why DM/MIL dont get that. Who are certain that they are NBU to demand their OH doesnt see his older kids for four months until PFB has had all its immunisations just in case they are carrying diptheria......

3littlebadgers · 30/10/2017 04:21

Congratulations on your tiny nephew! You sound like a lovely Aunt that the little fella is lucky to have. I'd quite like to adopt you for my own family

All the best with TTC op

Needadvicetoleave · 30/10/2017 04:57

Whilst it's nice that you had a lovely time, what I will say is that I was like that with visitors. Insisted they sat and we made tea, that they didn't need to help and could hold baby as long as they wanted, inside I was dying, and wanted everyone to sod off so I could go to bed!

Original poster

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/10/2017 08:06

Thanks so much for coming onto the thread just to make me feel bad, needadvice - what a ray of sunshine! To everyone else... I don't think I'm a particularly nice auntie, I just think I have a lovely/non-crazy brother and SIL, and in all seriousness Mumsnet has made me rather more grateful for that!

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 30/10/2017 08:18

Never have I come across someone irl who keeps their close family away for weeks so they can bond as a family alone.

My friend just had a baby and I was invited round when she got home. At feeding time she got the bottle prepared and gave it straight to me. I didn't even have to make her a cup of tea, bring her food or clean.

It was all just so.. normal.

Rachie1973 · 30/10/2017 08:22

Rachie1973 · 30/10/2017 08:26

U2HasTheEdge

I couldn't wait to have someone come visit! I was so bored! Babies are cute, and I loved all of mine, and now they've grown we still have a 'bond' but oh god, they don't do anything! I'm sure I was supposed to gaze lovingly at them for hours daily but the lure of the TV was too great.

I remember taking my 3rd one to Asda on the way home from the hospital at 12 hours old lol, I bumped into a friend who came home with me lol

DumbledoresPensieve · 30/10/2017 08:44

It just depends on your own experience doesn't it? I had a really traumatic birth, DS was a nightmare to feed and we didn't leave hospital for a week. So when I got home (injured and ill and struggling to BF) I didn't want loads of people for hours at a time. Luckily, our family is considerate - like you - and we weren't crowded. No one turned up unannounced. We got home on the Saturday, said no visitors please until the Monday so we had a day or two with just us (and multiple midwife/BF support worker visits) and the the following week we saw close family in dribs and drabs. The only exception was my mum, who dropped in briefly with a bag of shopping which was really appreciated. Friends had to wait, I wasn't feeling very sociable, but in our family that's ok no one was expecting me to entertain them.

All grandparents and our siblings had visited in hospital (and seen for themselves the state we were in) so there was no mad rush when we got home to meet the baby.

We had worked out in advance that if I'd really had enough and wanted people to leave if I'd say a certain phrase to OH and he'd start rounding people up to send them on their way but luckily we never needed it. People came, cooed over baby, had a cuddle and buggered off. Just as you should! I don't know many people in RL who'd think it was ok to visit a recovering mum and newborn and sit there for hours on end expecting to be waited on.

User634424779451 · 30/10/2017 08:50

But how do you know that as soon as you left they didn't say 'ah thank goodness she's gone! Hope she doesn't come back anytime soon' and they then post on MN what a nightmare you've been??!

Just kidding if cours OP! You sound lovely and so do they! Congratulations on your new little nephew! :)

thecatsthecats · 30/10/2017 09:01

Since you don't have an AIBU, I'll post what I think was an overenthusiastic baby visit. One of my friends has clearly been watching too many TV shows where everyone and the dog shows up at the maternity ward - she actually showed up outside the window of the labour unit where our other friend gave birth!

She was then desperately trying to scramble her way up the visitor list to see the baby for over a week, because the parents had lots of family visiting over the first week.

Re: the OP - I think it's nice that you had an easy experience visiting, and also that you were aware that not everyone does have/want the same things. I don't have a baby to contend with, but I'm planning a wedding, and the number of assumptions/presumptions people make can be daunting - if people can be understanding about family estrangements, my mum's eating disorder/PTSD etc because they've read about it online, that's only a good thing.

DontOpenDeadInside · 30/10/2017 09:31

My SIL let me stay the night in hospital with her as my DB had to get home for their dog (I couldn't watch him as I have cats) I got newborn baby cuddles all night while she slept. With their dc2 I was there to pick them up from hospital (I had dc1) and went back to theirs for lunch. 1 week later I babysat both DNs so they (DB and sil) could get some sleep. I loved those bonding moments with my DNs. I would have been gutted to not be allowed to see them for weeks on end.

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/10/2017 09:40

I only actually know one couple out of about 50 who enforced the 'No visitors so that we may bond' rule. They were are universally considered to be a bit precious, esp since they freely admit all their family/friends are lovely and respectful anyway.

Meh. Their baby their rules hun

MsJuniper · 30/10/2017 09:49

Love this Lisa.

I thought I’d want peace & quiet when I had DS but in fact I couldn’t wait to show him off. In fact I remember thinking when Kate & Wills had George and all the paparazzi were outside the hospital, that’s kind of how it feels it should be - with a headline declaring GREATEST EVER BABY BORN TODAY!

(I am half joking)

Glad your DB and SIL were sensitive about your own situation too - they are obviously good people.

Mittens1969 · 30/10/2017 09:54

How lovely to see a thread like this, congratulations on becoming an auntie! And good luck with TTC, hopefully you’ll have exciting news soon. You all sound like a lovely family.

Steeley113 · 30/10/2017 09:58

I think most people are like that tbh! I know I was. Couldn't wait to show my baby's off and wouldn't dream of expecting the guests to run around after us. All my friends have been the same!

Oblomov17 · 30/10/2017 10:04

oh come on.
Half of AIBU is about difficult Mil's, troublesome teens, toddlers and siblings.

If your brother and wife are coping well with baby, great.
if they are semi-normal. fab. But most of Mn isn't!! Many have nightmare visitors. I didn't. But I seem to be in the MN minority.

DixieNormas · 30/10/2017 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tccat · 30/10/2017 10:11

I think your experience is the norm, I loved having visitors as did everyone I know who has had a baby
There is currently a thread about someone who's phone was "blown up" with people asking about the baby due to their mother telling people she was in labour
I would consider myself very lucky indeed to have so many people excited for me and looking forward to seeing pics and they would all be welcome to take a turn and do a bit of cleaning if they wanted

DixieNormas · 30/10/2017 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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