To ask for your experiences of stay-at-home dad?

[moutonfou]

We aren't at the stage of having DC yet, but I have a career with a nice employer that I enjoy and is stable and well paid. DH hates working and his dream is just to stay home and nurture something (currently a dog!) Currently, if I think about having a short time at home with baby and then handing over to him, I don't think I mind. I had my mum at home throughout my childhood and would really like the same for my kid (that and childcare costs are terrifying), but I don't think I could stay at home myself as I enjoy working and DH just doesn't.

AIBU? Do you think as soon as baby was born I would change my mind and not want to spend a second apart? Would I grow resentful of the fun they were having while I was working? Would our child be much more attached to DH than me?

Would DH struggle to find companionship or are there lots of stay at home dads now?

My advice would always be to both consider PT work. It allows you both to retain financial independence and your DH might find that, e.g. going down to 3 days a week suits him better. It is very hard for anyone, mother or father, to return to work after a significant gap. He will be perceived as having deskilled over the years by future employers. I know 2 men who were SAHD, one ended up being employed by his wife for a while to get back into the job market. The other does tons of voluntary work. At baby groups etc there may be other Dads, DH worked PT and did a music group with the kids when they were little. He hung out with our SAHD friend but had plenty of Mum friends as well.

I wouldn't worry about guilt or missing your LO. I know lots of people say they do but lots of my workmates have said they'd go insane at home and love being back at work. I'm quite happy to share the care with DH and know the kids benefit from our different approaches to parenting.

A SAHD I know says it's the best job he's ever had, and his wife says he's brilliant at it, far better than she would have been. It's clearly working for them.

It’s really nice to see some positive stories on here. My experience has positive and negative elements really . . .

My DH is a SAHD & has been for nearly 5 years. Now that the youngest is at pre-school he’s thinking about returning to work. That’s a different issue to the main one asked in this thread but it’s something to have at the back of your mind. I’m not sure if it’s harder for SAHDs v SAHM, but overall returning to the workplace after an extended career break is challenging. I think the OP mentioned a business your DH could start which is a great idea if feasible. My DH also wants to start a business, unfortunately it’s one that requires hefty start up capital whi I we don’t have, a whole other headache.

On a more positive note, switching traditional gender roles has created a much more fair distribution of work at home. He does all the cooking & a lot of the cleaning but I still do some laundry and we kinda share the mental load stuff (that bit was slower to shift and I’m still the one who remembers family bdays etc). Contrast this with female friends of mine who work PT (after longer mat leaves) & husbands FT, they do pretty much all cooking, cleaning & laundry and all the mental load guff. I often wonder if they are stuck in the 50s when we chat, it’s a stark reminder of how far society still has to go when it comes to gender equality.

MY husband is. Kids are now at school but he was made redundant when youngest was around 9 months old - my earning power outstrips his do it made sense for me to go back to work.

He will be looking for part time work after xmas as I’m sick of him being at home doing fuck all and me still having to do the mental management as answer several questions a day like ‘should I buy chicken’ or ‘shall I change the beds’.

Dh was for 4 years. It was accidental as he was made redundant and couldn't find a suitable job. He did cooking, cleaning and washing. I did shopping and meal planning. He enjoyed it but found it very lonely as he found most toddler groups not very welcoming and didn't have any dad friends. Luckily one toddler group clicked, it was all mums but it was near our house and most people knew us so they made him welcome and he became a helper which saved his sanity.

I did find myself very jealous that I wasn't dc number 1 person. He wanted dh to put him to bed, read story's, if he was hurt it was dh he wanted, at parties he'd cling to dh and not want me to hold him. I found that very tough.

My partner is a SAHD. He hated his job and it didn't pay well, so he is doing the first few years at home and will retrain for something else.

It works for us - I adore DD but I am not good at the stay at home floor play stuff for more than a few hours at a time. DP finds it a bit isolating, as all the groups tend to be mums and nannies, and of course toddlers are exhausting, but mostly we are both happy.

But as a PP says, it does suck when they are poorly or tired and only want daddy. That's the only thing I don't like even though of course I understand why!

DH was a SAHD, has been since DD was about 3 months. It's mostly worked ok for us. although we should have discussed it a bit more before DD was born. I had sort of assumed he would start looking for work when she started school, he felt he would do like his mum did and stay at home until DD was old enough to walk herself home from school, which pissed me off a bit as he was then basically doing nothing all day while she was at school/I was at work, we eventually compromised with him running a business from home but tbh that's still pissing me off as he'd make more with a part time, minimum wage job and we'd know what money we have coming in each month. She is 9, I work term time only and have retired parents near by who are happy to step in if she's ill so really there is no need for him to be home.