To wish my mum would stop going on about my niece?

[twinkledag]

Every time I say something about my son, 'oh niece does that too'. Example, my 3.3 year old DS spelt his name out at nursery and the nursery worker told us and said she was surprised he could spell it.

Obviously I'm proud about that, tell my mum 'oh niece does that too'. Niece is 22 months. She can spell her name if you tell her the letters one by one and she repeats it.

FFS. Can't I just say one thing about DS and have her be proud of him?

Back story - niece is daughter of DB who is the golden child.

ARGH!!

It is so sad but so common. My DH and my DDs are the least favourite with his parents (DFIL passed away a few years ago). It used to drive me crazy when he was never asked never consulted on any family decisions, we always got to know from his DB. He has no relationship with his mum now and only calls when reminded and the kids rarely ask about her. It could have been so different.

Sorry @MiaowTheCat, that's awful

I have a mum that would use any information I would tell her to twist and hurt me. It’s just my personal opinion to keep personal things to yourself in a situation like yours. I’m not in contact anymore because she is abusive. I would love to have a mum to tell things to, love me, love my dcs, be there to share my life with. Not everyone has a mother like this. Your mum is cruel to constantly put your ds down like she is. She should look at him with love not disappointment.

My mil does it too. My youngest son and niece are just a few days apart in age and if I ever mention something he has done, niece has always done it first or better. Me and she just joke about it now.

@mrsRosaPimento - she doesn't put him down just bigs DN up.

I know she loves DS, she just loves DN more and wants to talk about her.

Me and DH not she!

We get this from MIL. Constant talk of her dgrandson whenever she is spending time with us. She sees him loads and mine hardly at all due to distance but still spends half the time talking about him. It's sad. My girls are lovely and she has lots to be proud of if she'd just see it.

If I told her nothing the all she'd do is talk about DN, I'm sure!

Its bad enough doing it with your own children but fo pass it on to defensiveless grandchildren is awful. I am so upset for my lovely son who will know his cousin is the favourite

My DSis has three DSs. I have a DD the same age as her youngest DS. It used to really amuse me that when I said DD was doing something, she would compare her to her middle DS, 2 1/2 years older than my DD, never to her youngest DS, the one the same age as her. I tried never to compare them, just commented on what DD was doing. DD started walking at 91/2 months, my H (we're divorced now) said 'For goodness sake, don't tell your sister, she'll have poor (youngest) on a routs march with rocks in a rucksack on his back!

My DM was all about my DSis eldest. We all call him Golden boy! So much so that even recently we were visiting, youngest nephew was there, then eldest arrived. Mum Said 'You may as well go now (youngest) and (eldest) is here now.' I told him I love him anyway! Youngest and my DD are now 22, but Golden boy is still Golden boy!

I think you will never change her, so you have to find a way to be amused by it.

How is your ds's advanced mandarin and calculus going op?

That’s got to hurt. I’d be inclined to say something personally. It’s only going to get worse as times goes by.

My PIL’s do this - if DS or DD have done something you can guarantee that the other grandkids have done it better or first.
BIL is definitely the golden child so of course his children are better than any others on the planet.
DH reckons “if we tell them that one of our DC has had a shit you can guarantee that the other grandkids have had two”!!’

My mil has always done this (DD13 DS9), ie anything we have said about the kids she has a 'counter' story. But with her it's been stories about DH and BIL. It's so weird. They are now 42 and 33 and she'll still tell (the same) stories as if they were recent. She does it to my kids now directly. So if they tell her about an achievement for example, they just get back a story about someone else, even her as a child sometimes. It's really weird and infuriating.

Is she being defensive?

OK, bear with me...

I was witness to a similar situation recently which all came ahead when the woman in your position snapped and had it out with her mum.

It turns out her mum felt bad for the child in question because the daughter (the little girl's aunt) had never had one nice thing to say about her.

To be honest there was obvious resentment from the moment the child was born. She never bothered to hide it and it was uncomfortable to watch.

I could see why the grandmother did it and found myself also bigging the little girl up.

Are you affectionate towards your niece?

My MIL does this - but not about other grandchildren (she doesn't have any others) but about the children of her nieces or neighbours! She's constantly raving about these more distant relatives or non-relatives and often in front of my DC. For example, if I try to get her interest with something good that happened at school, she'll instantly launch into "did I tell you so and so got a scholarship" or something that completely trumps what I've said. Often in front of the DC.
She's utterly foul. Toxic. I avoid her like the plague, unless absolutely necessary.

My DM has to turn anything into something about her. Ie we went for a long walk is about how she went for a long walk or couldn't because of x y and z. Same with any of her DGC or anyone...
I'm not sure I could tolerate it if I knew she was actually favouring one grandchild over the others in such an obvious way. I couldn't help but think about the harm it would be doing the kids.

My mum does this too, sometimes the Better-Than-Yours child isn't even related.

She has always been very strict with praise, doling it out to eldest DB only, reserving criticism for the lesser kids. And ultimately, our children as well. I doubt pointing it out to her will make any difference, so I shall just remain bitter and twisted about it.

Except I won't really. It's annoying but it just shows up the kind of person she is. I expect she'd be hurt if she discovered I love her partner MUCH more than I do her, and I'll miss him much more when they are no longer in our lives.

You reap what you sow...

My mum does this as well about my niece, I now say:
yes you talked about her a lot, shall we go back to talking about ds
or I say, yes yes but what about the other 3 grandchildren, you've told me all about dn but not mention the other dn.

She doesn't do it as much now, pull her up on it everytime

I think it's pretty normal when someone mentions something about a child for it to prompt a conversation about another child close to both people. Unless it's obviously being done with malice I'd let it go. If it really bothers you, then be honest and explain how it makes you feel to your mother. Mother's aren't mind readers and just because she raised you doesn't mean she knows how you feel about what she is doing

Interesting perspective @weebo. But no, it's cause she's the child of the golden child.

Thanks @LondonGirl83 that's sensible advice.

There is nothing i can say about my children without my [parent] mentioning and then elaborating on the favoured grandchild's activities/ achievements. I have no advice. Only solidarity